“Where did you just go?”
A sweat breaks out across my skin as I struggle to explain what just happened to me.
Hallucination?
No.
It felt more real than this present moment with Siler. It felt… I felt… more me.
“I-I don’t know. What was I doing?”
He leans against the tree, biting his lip. “It could’ve been an episode, but you froze completely with your eyes open. You wouldn’t answer me…”
This is new. Dammit.
I don’t bother to stop my tears from falling. Because the truth is… I want to go back.
Away from what’s happening to my body and mind.
To be happy, carefree… in love?
There’s no reason I should feel this… but part of my crying is losing him. The boy I know but can’t name.
Sinking to the ground, I pull my knees to my chest, smothering my cries. Siler is quick to drop to my side. “I need to ask you something, Biz…” He rubs my back. “Is it like a nightmare, when that happens? Does it hurt?”
Like hell.
But not the way he means. Usually I’m aware of my surroundings, but I feel like my insides are being torn apart. This time, it was different. I’d prefer the physical pain over the deep sense of loss that has seeped into me.
“You’re going to think I’ve finally lost my mind completely,” I start, turning to face him. “It felt like I was here… sort of, but I was with someone else. He-he was someone I know, but…” I shake my head to clear it. I’m not making sense.
Slowly, Siler averts his eyes to the ground at his feet. “He?”
Oh.
I press a hand to my chest. I never considered… no, he’s not upset about me mentioning someone else. We’re best friends. He's never pressed for more. “It was a memory. It felt like an actual memory. He was tall… not tall like you, but blue eyes, dark hair…”
And I’m completely sure I loved… love? him.
I hear Siler swear under his breath. He says softly to himself, “It’s happening. It’s still fucking happening.”
“What’s that mean? What do you mean?” I can’t catch my breath, but this time it’s because the moment feels pivotal.
What does my best friend know that I don’t?
He sighs, shaking his head. “When you began forgetting… I’d hoped you wouldn’t rememberhim. It happens sometimes.”
It does? Why don’t I feel like that’s right?
“Okay? Keep going…” I’m getting irritated with Siler.
“He’s an ex-boyfriend. You broke up last year, but…” He sucks his lips in before continuing, eyes closed. “He wasn’t very nice to you. You’re not remembering him correctly.”
“What’s his name?” I say it like a challenge because I don’t think he’s being honest with me. For the first time, I’m doubting the way I see Siler.
“Can you just let it go, Biz? It’s not going to help, and you’ll forget again soon.”
Don’t use my illness against me! Siler, don’t be this way.
