“...Bizzy? Felt like your mind was somewhere else,” Ripp says, sullen as we continue down the path.
A twinge of guilt settles into my chest. Here Rippley is, right next to me. A good guy, the whole package really, but my mind keeps drifting back tohim. When I’m with JJ, the same thing happens.
Maybe it’s self-defense. My mind tricking me away from stronger connections, knowing the end will be harder.
Unlike JJ, who takes the tension away with laughter, Rippley gets quiet. Our time together is getting saturated in sadness. But I don’t want that. I can’t be another reason Rippley feels less than.
We take a seat on a bench overlooking a spot of the river and path, taking it all in to sketch later. The bend of the tree over the water, the slight slope of land down to the river, littered with leaves.
My hand finds Rippley’s.
I scramble to find a subject to lighten the mood, salvage our time. “So I checked out that store you told me about. I got some weird type of dip, Australian licorice, and fourteen succulents.”
His burst of laughter lightens the dread that was growing in my chest.
“I need to see your thought process in action when you’re shopping.” He wipes away tears from laughing as he smiles at me.
“I’m not sure where to put the plants.” I bite my lip before forcing a thin laugh, more focused on making sure Ripp doesn’t sense my mood is off.
“Mmm, yeah, that would be a predicament.”
Our conversation eases into the upcoming winter break, his return home to Washington D.C., my upcoming appointment with Dr. Fraine, and… JJ.
“...hard to explain, I guess. We’re friendly but not exactly friends. We have classes together, see each other around campus, but we don’t have a lot in common. Other than Rock Am.”
“Ah. But you have mutual friends?”
He studies his hands folded in his lap. His words are careful. “It depends on your definition of friends.”
I take it Ripp is being purposefully vague. JJ doesn’t hold back when asked personal questions. Maybe that’s why it’s easier to talk for hours with him about everything. Well, everything but my health.
As dusk sets in, the breeze turns chillier, and he pulls off his sweatshirt, handing it to me. I follow him back to his shiny black sports car.
Once settled inside, he adjusts the heat and turns to me, a soft smile on his face as his hand fixes the flowers still behind my ear. “You’re so beautiful, Biz. Inside and out.”
“Look who’s talking.” Even with a morose underlying issue, Ripp has been a steady shoulder to lean on. His classic good looks don't hurt either.
He bends to lightly kiss my lips.
I pull him towards me with his T-shirt, kissing him back with a fervor that briefly stuns him. Before coming to New York, any romantic inclinations I may have had lived solely in my head. Now I’ve kissed two different men, I’m having dreams of a third, and I want to push things further.
Is this desperation?
I don’t know how much longer I have. Maybe I should be living more in the present moment.
“We don’t have to-” Ripp starts to say.
“Shhh.” I press my finger to his lips.
“Do you want to come back to my place?” he asks quietly, readjusting himself as he glances out the windows, checking if anyone is getting an eyeful of this.
I wasn’t even thinking of people walking past, or other cars pulling into the parking lot. My sudden need to know what I’ve been missing is making me careless. But it’s still not enough to stop me.
Our drive to his loft apartment in a ritzy area of town passes quickly. He hurries to my door to open it once we’re parked in the underground garage.
Am I really doing this? Here… now… with Rippley? What about JJ… what about my mystery man? Shhh. I’m overthinking this, right?
An elevator delivers us to the top floor, where it opens into an apartment with lofted ceilings, expensive-looking leather furniture, and an open floor plan. He asks if I’m thirsty, holding my arm while I pull my tennis shoes off.
