“Yes,” Titan said, bracing for what might be coming next. He already felt so exposed.
“Are you asexual? It’s okay if you are.”
Asexual was a label that Titan had avoided since he discovered it, believing it would be an admission that he was incapable of love. They never talked about it, but Titan always suspected that Eve knew. He was closer to her than anyone else in the band, and now she was gone.
“I don’t know if that’s the right way to describe me. I want closeness, but when it comes to being physical, it’s like my body doesn’t cooperate. So, maybe partly.” Saying it out loud felt like defeat. Titan was beside himself trying to figure out what to say or do next to fix his mistake. But he was the mistake. He was broken, and he wished desperately that he could be like everyone else.
“It’s okay to not want to be touched. There are other ways to be intimate with a person,” Augustine affirmed. “We don’t hug or hold hands or anything like that now, and yet I feel deeply for you.”
Something in that declaration shattered Titan. He didn’t deserve Augustine. He couldn’t give them what they needed. He felt ashamed for leading them on, for making a promise he couldn’t deliver.
“We don’t have to do any of that to be together. I just want you. Whatever that looks like…Does that sound okay?” Augustine asked.
Titan wanted that more than anything. “I want you,” he said, feeling his throat tighten. “I’m so sorry I’m like this. You deserve someone who can be what you need,” he choked out.The rhythm he forced himself to keep earlier was completely gone now. Hitched breaths came too fast. It was becoming nearly impossible to focus on driving. Even with panic creeping in, he was careful to find the shoulder, pull over and kill the engine. There was nowhere to hide now, nothing to keep his walls up. Titan pressed his forehead against the wheel as the tears came. It was humiliating, and yet, impossible to stop.
A small sound, barely audible, escaped Augustine at the sight. “Titan, you have nothing to apologize for. It’s this world that owes you an apology,” they explained. “And you know what sucks? We have this big societal push for pride, inclusivity,love is love. But sometimes I swear, what they really mean issex is sex.”
Titan was surprised to hear those words—like permission to stop trying to be who he wasn’t. He didn’t set out seeking validation, but the kind ramblings of Augustine made him feel seen in ways he never imagined possible. He wanted Augustine to keep talking while he pulled himself together, dragging in shaky breaths, commanding his heart to slow.
“Sorry to rant, I just wish the way things are didn’t cause you to feel inadequate. I can’t even imagine—with all the invalidating stuff people say about Aces. It’s just ignorance.”
Titan almost laughed through his tears at that last comment.
“I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. I know I can be…intense,” Augustine said.
“No, it’s okay. It’s just—you’re the first person who has said these things to me. I’ve never felt so…understood.” He exhaled, then continued. “I thought you would think of me differently if you knew. All my life, I felt that if I just tried harder, I could learn to want what everyone else wants. And I hate myself for not being able to. But, God—Augustine. You make me feel like I don’t have to apologize for existing.” Titan’s sinceritywas illuminated by the headlights of a passing truck. He turned his face, waiting for it to go by.
“I know it’s hard for you to talk about this stuff, so thank you for letting me in. I just wanted you to know that I want to try if you do,” Augustine said. “We can take things slow. I can wait.”
Titan managed a half smile, even though his hands still trembled. He sat back, eyes searching for Augustine’s in the dark. The distance between them seemed less intimidating somehow. From this new perspective, Titan began to see possibility take shape alongside ache. Augustine had made room for him to feel without judgement, had taken him as he was without needing him to be different. They’d seen him at his worst and stayed anyway. If that wasn’t love, he didn’t know what was. The thought was almost unbearable in its gentleness. Titan yearned with every fragile part of himself, to love them back in kind—to learn to show them that same tenderness.
“I want to try. Because…I didn’t think I was able to feel this way. The way I feel for you. Not for anyone. I didn’t think I had it in me.”
* * * *
Chapter 4: Overlapping Waves
Titan hadn’t meant to walk in on Augustine changing. He was only passing by and happened to glance through the doorway. For a moment, he lingered, realizing it was the first time he had ever seen them without a shirt. Then Augustine turned, catching him in the act.
There was nowhere for Titan to hide.
“Oh, God. I’m so sorry,” he apologized, hot shame spreading across his face.
“Titan, it’s okay,” Augustine assured. They stood shirtless in the bedroom, chest completely exposed.
Not even the embarrassment he felt could make him look away. Titan had never seen a more beautiful person. He wasn’t sure what the feeling was—aesthetic attraction, maybe? He liked what he saw, and his curiosity drew him closer. Before he knew it, he was walking into Augustine’s room.
Titan had been shirtless around Augustine plenty of times, after a run or coming back from the gym, but this was different. Augustine didn’t show out in public. The most revealing thing they owned was a tank top, and they didn’t wear it often.
Augustine took a seat on their bed and waited for Titan to join them. They sat side by side, looking at their reflections in Augustine’s bedroom mirror. Titan’s gaze fell on the faint, raised scars stretching across Augustine’s chest—two lines running from one side of their sternum to the other, not quite meeting in the middle.
Titan wasn’t the only one who had lived through pain. Augustine’s scars were proof. While his had been emotional, theirs had once been carved into flesh.
“Strange, right?” Augustine said, breaking the silence. “To see a person with no nipples?”
“Not at all. You look—” Titan looked up from the mirror to meet Augustine’s eyes. “Perfect.”
A smile spread across Augustine’s face. They looked down and bunched up the fabric of their shorts with their fists.
