When Chaos says that my teary eyes linger on him before they stare into Reigns, shock and sadness overcoming me. I could never choose between them. They both have always given me something equally different that I love.
Chaos is my go-to for emotion, cuddles and on my down days he always manages to bring me back to the surface, we love to loathe our darkness. Reign is the one who makes me feel fuzzy when he is affectionate, special, I always feel safe in his presence because of his alpha demeanor, and I know he can make anyone strong and structured. I lower my eyes once more and Chaos continues.
“You don’t have to think about all of that. Right now, we are both here for you and that’s all that fucking matters.”
I swallow with a slow nod, keeping my wet eyes on my cards, finding that realization even harder to accept than anything else I have been through.
Standing at the kitchen counter, I stare down at my mug of coffee, engrossed in the swirling dark liquid as I stir it with a silver spoon. I do this a lot; I become mired in my own darkest thoughts whenever I am in complete silence, and it has been weeks since I was saved from Maddox and the horrors I went through. I am still not sure if I am improving since some days are bearable and others are so dim that I want to end it all.
I am wondering when the world around me will finally stop spinning and if I’ll finally be able to rest and potentially return to the old me, assuming the old me is still there, buried somewhere deep within me, clawing at her chains to escape the pit of abyss she has found herself in.
My thoughts turn to Chaos and Reign and how they have been so good to me and after some time, I have slowly found myself not hating them for the things they did. I didn’t want to hold that in my heart for them, I knew I had to forgive them in order to get better. They were not to blame for what Maddox did. He was the only person who decided to hurt me instead of taking the time to get to know me for more than my family’s history.
Chaos and Reign did not hold the same hate for me that Maddox did. They knew my father killed Chaos’s uncle, yet they never showed one ounce of blame when they met me fully. They fell for me as much as I fell for them. Even when they were around me and they knew I was the foe, they never treated me like one and they still don’t.
I don’t know where my head is right now. One minute I want to stay in New York, possibly build myself up to what is expected of me or leave. The thought of choosing between them hurts me more than anything, but sometimes I think it is better if I just leave so they can move on with their lives as much as I can.
When I hear heavy footsteps approaching from behind, I am jarred out of my stupor, and Chaos enters my peripheral vision. He opens the refrigerator door and glances at me before reaching inside. After retrieving a bottle of water, he closes the door, and I return my attention to the coffee I have been stirring in paralysis.
As I set the spoon on the counter and lift the mug with both hands, I notice him narrowing the gap between us from the left of me, and when the liquid meets my lips, I realize I have been mixing it for so long that it is almost cold, but I take a sip regardless. Once he comes to a halt beside me, he lays his forearms down as he leans over the counter and turns to face me,but I keep my gaze fixed on the marble while setting my mug down.
“I'm going to the beach today to ride my bike.”
I react with a tiny smile, but my eyes do not reach his.
“That sounds nice, Chaos. Have some fun; you deserve it.”
“You should come, just me and you.”
I take a deep breath, apprehensive about going outside.
“I’m not sure.”
“You can stay in the truck and watch me if you like. I would love it if you were there with me.”
As my throat dries at the notion of leaving this mansion, I swallow, remaining utterly silent.
“But no pressure, Char; I just thought it would be good for you to get some fresh air.”
My gaze instantly meets his, and I observe his face, the warmth in his eyes, and the tenderness in which he speaks. I know I must fight this—fight Maddox—and I cannot keep living like this; it's unhealthy, and all I want is to be free of what has happened. Continuously allowing the darkness to consume me is not going to do that for me.
“Okay.”
When I gently murmur the word, a big smile spreads across his lips and he stands straight before placing a kiss on the side of my head, which makes me close my eyes.
“Wrap up warm, Lil Chaos. Although the sun is out now, it might rain later.”
I give a small nod before he turns and walks away while shouting back to me.
“I’ll be out front getting my bike on the truck when you’re ready to go.”
I take another deep breath and finish off my coffee before heading upstairs to find something to wear.
Once I am ready, I proceed down the large staircase, throwing the hood of my black baggy sweater over my head and letting my long, straight hair flow down my front. When I reach the bottom, I sit on the last step and pull up the ankles of my blue skinny jeans before tying the laces on my black, high top Converse sneakers. As soon as I am done, I rise and while approaching towards the front entrance, I pull my hoodie sleeves further down my arms, feeling anxious.
As soon as I open the front door, the chilly air hits me in the face, nearly knocking the life out of me, and the radiance of the bright sky causes my eyes to squint. I push past it and continue until I close the door behind me and approach Chaos, who is standing by his black, shiny pick-up truck, almost finished strapping his bike to the back. I come to a stop alongside him, and when he notices me, he slips his arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer to his side.
"You good?"
