“You're coming over to my place tonight.”
I purse my lips in annoyance before responding sternly.
“I don't fucking think so. You need to take the hint. I am not fucking you. Go and find someone else to play with.”
I attempt to leave by passing him, but he simply snatches my wrist and yanks me into him. As soon as my petite frame collides with his hard body, he wraps his strong arms over the bottom ofmy back, drawing me close to him and when he brings his face to mine, I swallow hard.
“You've got this all fucking wrong. Do you really think I have a hard time getting pussy? I could have a virgin with a click of my fingers, but your virginity isn't what fucking intrigues me."
I look at him, confused.
“So, what exactly intrigues you?”
“You. All of you. Your pretty face, but your dark soul.”
I attempt to ignore the sudden butterflies flurrying in my stomach as I peer into his brown orbs and his focus drops to my lips when he continues.
“You radiate everything dim that I’m fucking drawn to.”
My eyes search his, wondering what the hell he is talking about.
"Through your green eyes, I can see a beautiful mess of chaos. I find it captivating how you sit comfortably in the shadowy corners of your mind, despite your fear of darkness. Every fucking day, you dance with the gloom, unknowingly loving the very thing you despise."
I inhale deeply, trying to shake the effect he has on me.
“You don’t know a thing about me.”
Before he speaks again, his eyes explore mine.
“Then let me. Let's hang out tonight.”
I close my eyes before looking aside, and I chew on my bottom lip, pondering what to do next. I mean, I want to hang out with Chaos, but there is so much risk involved. I would say yes in aheartbeat if things were not so complicated right now, but it is not that straightforward, is it?
He follows my eyes and when they connect with his, he gives me a smirk, waiting for my answer. I sigh and give a slight nod in acceptance, not thinking clearly. He suddenly presses his lips firmly on mine, catching me off guard and I feel my body melt until he draws back, releases me, and turns away from me.
“Do you need a ride back?”
As I answer, I pull my sweater further down my body.
“I'll just get a cab.”
He twists his head to glance back at me, his intense eyes studying me with suspicion. As he reaches for his water again and lifts it, a sudden wave of nervousness washes over me once more.
“Look, I should probably get going, but I'll be at your place later this evening."
He sets his joint between his lips, his eyes fixed on me before he lights the end and releases the smoke as he responds.
“Make sure you do, Charley, or I’ll be coming to find you.”
I inhale deeply from his threat, and he gives me a wink before I nod and turn around to leave.
As the time to meet Chaos gets closer, I lock eyes with my reflection in the bathroom mirror, scrutinizing myself. What does he see in my eyes when all I see is emptiness? Nervousness grips me tightly, spiraling out of control; I have never felt so anxious before.
Though Chaos said that it is just going to be a casual hangout, I cannot shake the feeling that it will be so much more. Why did I agree, knowing deep down that it could be more?
I know I have always thought I wanted sex and intimacy, and that desire hasn't changed. But now that it is right here in frontof me, I can't shake the feeling of not being completely ready. Is it because it is not a stranger whom I can easily forget afterward?
Growing up, everyone around me was already having sex or in relationships with their childhood sweethearts, while I pretended not to be a virgin. I always told myself that if I ever had sex, I should be intoxicated to avoid emotional attachment, or it should be a one-night stand so I would not have to face them again. I convinced myself that no one would ever want or love me, so I settled for the idea of having sex with just anyone and moving on as if it were a task to check off my list of things to fucking do before I die.
