She gives me a tight smile. “Yes. They know this is just an act.”
I didn’t think about this until now. They know the truth, but what if… what if I get handsy with Ayla? If I touch his daughter, will Steve Cavaggioni chop off my hands? Even though I’m just trying to make it seem we’re still married? Jesus.
What contest in hell did I win to end up here?
15
AYLA
“I need to talk to you,” I whisper to Rachel.
“Sure. Now?”
I shake my head. “No. Too many people around.”
“What’s going on?”
“Things are weird. I slept with Carson last night.”
She lets out a shriek that attracts the attention of many family members.
“Shh.” I scrunch up my face. “Also I have a phone appointment with my therapist in ten minutes. After that, I’ll try to find you.”
With wide eyes, she nods. “Holy shit, Ayla.”
“I know, I know. Nonna is supposed to arrive soon and it’ll probably be while I’m on the phone. Oh well.”
I glue an expression of good humor on my face and greet Rachel’s parents, Uncle Jordan and Aunt Ellie, then Rachel’s brother Blake. My cousin Clark arrives with his wife and three kids ages two, four, and six. I get sticky-fingered hugs from them. Then I have to find somewhere to make my call. Back at the cottage? That’s probably safest.
I slip out of the pavilion but not before Carson spots me and follows me. “Hey. Where are you going?”
I grip my phone. “I, uh, have to go back to the cottage for a few minutes.”
“Something I can do? You probably want to stay here.”
I shake my head. “No. I have to do it. I, uh, forgot to shave my legs.”
His eyebrows shoot up, then his gaze drops to my jeans.
“I’ll be back in a jiff!” I take off down the path.
It’s another brilliant day, the sun a glowing yellow ball in the blue sky, the snow blindingly white. My cell phone rings just as I reach the cottage and I step inside, close and lock the door, and answer it.
I lay out the problem for my therapist, Tessa. “I don’t think I’m still in love with him?” I finish. “But I’m still attracted to him.”
I wait for her to speak. “That’s not uncommon. And it makes sense, when you think that during the time you were together, your body created strong associations between Carson and sex. These connections become part of you, and who you are. Like other routines in a relationship—sharing meals, watching a certain TV show—but sex is intimate and vulnerable, so it can create an even stronger memory.”
“Okay.”
“Obviously, that doesn’t disappear overnight when the relationship ends. It happens to many people. Some feel fear, shame, or anxiety about it, but it’s a natural part of the grieving process.”
“Yes.” I sit on the couch. “All that. And confusion. So what do I do about it?”
“Well, the first thing is to not be hard on yourself. Now you know these feelings are part of the grieving process and they’re normal. They won’t last forever.”
I nod.
“It’s also good to create some distance between you and your ex. Don’t follow him or interact on social media. Don’t stay in touch.”
