My eyes flicked up to his. “Me too, but I had to go into the office. Not bathing wasn’t really an option.”
I followed him into the kitchen, waiting as he gave his face and hands a good scrub in the sink, then handed him a towel when he was done.
He tossed it on the counter and faced me, arms folded over his broad chest. But while his stance was guarded and tense, his expression was so vulnerable it nearly broke my heart.
I stepped forward, putting my hands on his folded arms. “I’m sorry, Ben.”
He blinked hard. “For what?”
“For a lot, really. First, for not telling you how proud I am you’ve been invited to play for the Warriors. I realize what a huge accomplishment that is for you, and I didn’t even tell you that. I’mproudof you, Ben. I think you’re really amazing and talented.”
The only sound he made was a deep, shaky inhale as he stared at me from beneath a furrowed brow, so I kept talking.
“I’m sorry for shutting down any discussion about New Zealand or even taking time to think it over. I was…definitely scared of what that would mean for me. All I’d be giving up. It blinded me to what I’d be keeping. If I’d been more open, you never would have said the thing about taking Katty—”
“That was all me,” he bit out. “My mistake. I’m not letting you take the blame for that.”
I leaned into him until he dropped his arms and my chest met his. “Even if it is, I forgive you. I understand you panicked. I was panicking too. I’m in love with you, Ben, and I love the life we’re building. It scares me how much I love it. And it felt like, in that moment, it was being taken from me like I’d expected—like I always expect.”
He shook his head. “As long as you’ll have me, I’m yours. That isn’t going to change, no matter what.”
I sucked in a shaky breath. “I love you, but New Zealand is a little far for me to be away from you.”
“That’s okay. It doesn’t matter. I—”
“Wait.” I put my finger against his lip. “Let me say this, please.”
He kissed my fingertip. “Say what you need to say, baby.”
“When your mom came back, you shut down. You wouldn’t tell me how you were feeling, and that terrified me. Then, you showed up—back to being my Benny—with a plan to move us to the other side of the world without any discussion. That freaked me out even more. It was all changing, going so fast I felt my only option was to dig my heels in, even if it meant losing you. I didn’t give you a chance to come back to yourself, I just…quit.”
I cupped his jaw. By the way he had his lips rolled over his teeth, he was struggling not to speak. But I had to get all my thoughts out in the open before he said something so sweet I forgot everything I needed to say.
“I love you, Benny, and I want you to know you can be however you need to be with me. If you’re sad or scared or angry, I’m your safe space. You don’t always have to be the life of the party with me. I want all sides of you.” I rubbed my thumb along his scruff, so relieved to be touching him after days of torturous separation. “I spoke with Miranda today, and she helped me come up with a plan. I’m either going to take a leave of absence or telework. I should also be able to take a class or two online. To be sure, I made an appointment with my adviser, but I think it’ll work out. We can do this, Benny. I want to make it work.”
“Wait, what?” His brows drew together. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying”—I pressed up on my toes, putting us closer to eye level—“I’m going with you, Benny. We’re moving to New Zealand.”
His jaw went slack for a long moment, then he shook his head. “No. No, we’re not. I don’t want that.”
Oh no.
I’d screwed up and waited too long. My lungs seized, and the floor beneath me rocked.
I’d lost him.
I’d really lost him.
Chapter Forty-four
Ben
Mazzy’sbeautiful,perfectfacefell, and I realized once again I was a dumbass.
“Baby, no,” I rushed out, slipping my hands around her neck. “I want you, always. Forever. But we’re not moving to New Zealand.That’swhat I don’t want. You’re not giving up your job and school.”
“But…Ben. It’s the Warriors. This is what you’ve always wanted.”
