“Wait, slow down.” I scooted across the couch to the cushion beside hers and took her hand in mine. “First of all, she can see, right?”
“Yes, Ben. She can see with corrective lenses.”
“Okay.” I nodded a few times, my mind whirring. In all the daydreams I’d had of Katty and Mazzy’s life, surgery hadn’t been part of them. I was racing to catch up. “I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t there for you—andher—while you were going through that. Now explain strabismus to me.”
Her fingers curled in my hold, but she didn’t pull away. “The muscles in her eyes are weak, so they drift outward when she’s not paying attention. We’ve been patching for years to correct it. It’s helped, but not enough. She’s having another surgery in a couple months to fix it.”
“Will you send me the date? If it’s a game day, I need to let my coach know I won’t be there.”
Her head jerked like I’d startled her. “You don’t have to be there. It’s outpatient surgery. My aunt will come with us.”
“I’m going to be there.” I licked my lips and swayed closer. “I mean, if you’ll allow it, I’d really like to be there. Please.”
“Yes,” she breathed without hesitation. “Yes, it would be good for you to be there.”
“Right.” I forced myself to lean away from her when what I really wanted was to hug her. “Her glasses are cute as hell. With all the problems she’s had with her eyes, now I kinda feel bad for thinking that.”
A smile spread across her face as she let herself fall against the cushions. “They are cute, aren’t they? You should see the ones she wore as a baby.”
“Baby glasses? Mazz, come on.” I groaned. “You have to show them to me right now. I can’t take it.”
Laughing, she slid her hand from mine, twisted toward the side table, and grabbed her phone, pressing her screen a few times before passing it to me.
“I made you an album. I was going to send it to you, but you can look at it now if you want.”
“I want.”
I had to see it. Everything I’d missed. All the ways I’d messed up. I needed it embossed on my brain so I’d never forget.
Chapter Fourteen
Ben
ThesecondIopenedthe album Mazzy had made for me, my heart broke, knitted together, then broke all over again. The pictures and videos were in order, telling a beautiful story of the first four years of our daughter’s life—a story I’d forever be an observer of instead of the participant I should have been.
I blinked hard at tiny, wrinkly baby Kateryna on Mazzy’s chest, covered in goop, and so beautiful, I couldn’t breathe. And Mazzy…God, Mazzy. Hair plastered to her temples, a delirious smile on her face—I was spellbound, weak with such profound loss, it was all I could do to scroll to the next picture and the next.
The story Mazzy had given me was a timeline I wished I could walk with my own two feet. Since I couldn’t, this was the next best thing.
A man with fluffy tufts of white hair appeared again and again, holding my daughter like his pride and joy.
The close-up of Katty’s face—her eyes cloudy, cheeks plump and rosy—was a gut punch. I swiped past it. I’d go back to it. I’d look up what cataracts were, what the surgery had been like, everything I could get my hands on—but not now.
There were more pictures of the man with white hair snuggling her. Kissing the top of her head. The three of them together.
“Your dad?”
“Yes.” Mazzy leaned over to peer at the screen. “She called himDido.”
I nodded, my thumb tracing over his face then Katty’s. “He took care of you guys.”
“Oh yeah.” She exhaled, shaky and uneven. “He was the best dad. The very bestdido.”
I kept scrolling, watching my daughter grow. The first picture of her in glasses made my eyes sting. They looked so big on her petite face, but the clear eyes behind them were the most miraculous thing I’d ever seen.
I paused to watch a video of her blowing spit bubbles then another of her clapping. I nearly threw the phone at the video of her walking toward Mazzy. She stumbled and fell on her chubby knees, making her cry. Of course, Mazzy was there. As soon as she had Katty in her arms, the video cut out, and dear god, was it a knife to my lungs.
I swallowed hard, blinked even harder, and scrolled on. The first sound of her voice, impossibly small. Her squeals as she went down a slide on Mazzy’s lap. Peals of laughter as Mazzy pushed her in a swing. Running away from a sprinkler. Frosting all over her face as she chowed down on a birthday cupcake.
