“Why not?” I press. “And don’t bother trying to lie to me. I’ll know right away—your energy gets all squirmy.”
“First of all, I do not getsquirmy. And secondly, Miss Milan…” He reaches for the tea again and takes a sip, ducking my gaze. When he finishes, he still won’t meet my eyes, but at least he has an answer for me. “Something about you has… affected me.”
“Affected you how?”
“I’ve always felt protective toward my students—first-year students especially. Despite the fact that you’re all adults, you’re still young and inexperienced adults, and you’ve come here to learn magick in all its forms. Students place their trust in me—trust I don’t always feel worthy of, but do my best to honor, teaching and guiding them to the best of my abilities.”
“I know you do,” I say. “You’re an excellent professor. And I’m not just saying that so you’ll bump up my grade. I mean it, Doc.”
He flashes an all-too-brief smile. “Yes, well. For whatever reason, when it comes to you, my protective instincts kick into overdrive.”
I shake my head, annoyance creeping back in. “You told me this already. You feel super protective of me, it goes beyond the Brotherhood bond, you can’t explain it, blah-blah-blah.”
“Well, it seems you’ve already got your answer, then.”
“So when you say I affect you, it’s just this overprotective thing you’ve got going?”
He nods, avoiding my gaze again.
“You’re squirming,” I say. “Energetically speaking, of course.”
He opens his mouth to deny it, but we both know there’s no point.
My heart’s kicking into overdrive, and I’ve got a feeling Doc’s is doing the same crazy dance. I know I’m cruising into dangerous ground, and some tiny voice inside me tells me I should probably let this particular sleeping dog lie, but I can’t. I need to know the truth. Because whatever connection I feel to Doc—whatever connection I feel to all of them—it goes well beyond our Brotherhood bond.
And maybe I just need some reassurance that I’m not the only one who feels it.
“I need to ask you something,” I say, “and I need you to be totally honest with me, no matter how inappropriate or downright awkward you find the question. Deal?”
“With a lead-up likethat, how could I refuse?” A smile tugs at his lips, and I relax, remembering some of the nicer moments we’ve shared together. The tacos at Lala’s place. The way he stocked my tea pantry and loaded me up with the best climbing gear available. His ministrations after my rattlesnake vision. Every time he’s ever worried about me, or shown even a modicum of kindness.
“Sometimes,” I say, my voice no more than a whisper, “when you look at me, when you touch me… I feel this… like a connection, but more than that. I don’t even have the words for it, really. But I feel it with the other guys, too. The only difference is…” I swallow the knot in my throat and close my eyes. “You’re the only one who tries to fight it.”
“I… I don’t know what you mean.”
“Are you attracted to me, Dr. Devane?” I open my eyes to find him staring back at me, his own eyes wide, his neck turning red behind his tie.
“This conversation isdefinitelynot appropriate for…” He loosens his tie, his eyes roaming the room, everywhere but on mine. “It’s simply not appropriate.”
“I think we’re well past what’s appropriate. I’m ready for what’s true. Besides, you promised you’d be totally honest.” A sigh escapes my lips. It’s not exactly fair, pushing him into this line of questioning without explanation. Without giving up a little of my own carefully guarded control. “Doc, whenever I’m around you—any of you—I feel a connection that goes beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s like a pull, but deeper. I… I feel things. Not just for Kirin and Baz, either. Ani is suddenly getting under my skin in ways that a friend should definitely not. And even you, as grumpy as you are, there’s something…” I close my eyes, trying to focus my scattered thoughts. Trying to steady my pounding heart. “I need to understand if that’s part of the Brotherhood bond, or something else.”
“Something else?” he asks.
“Do all Arcana witches and mages feel… feelings? For each other, I mean?”
He considers me for a long, uncomfortable beat, and for a minute I worry he’s going to send me away, shutting down this conversation for good.
But eventually he lets out a long breath and shakes his head.
“All Arcana,” he says, “unless they’re actively shielding like Phaines was doing, feel some sort of connection to each other. A recognition, perhaps, or a sense of familiarity and trust.That’sthe bond. But what you’re talking about…” He lowers his eyes, his brow furrowing. “No, Stevie. That’s something else entirely. If all Arcana felt this level of connection, I suspect the four of us would’ve experienced these feelings toward one another in your absence, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation.” He glances up at me again, and when our eyes meet, he offers a soft smile. “So no. I don’t think this is connected to the Brotherhood bond at all.”
I take a deep, steadying breath, unsure how to process this. Part of me was still hoping I could blame magick or destiny or any other outside force, but I can’t. Which means I’m just getting all in my feels over four impossibly sexy, super overprotective, infuriating-in-every-possible way mages, with no one to blame but me. The woman who once said mages were bad news and love was reserved for other people.
Just like magick.
I try again, one more time, just to be absolutely clear. “So what you’re saying… It means…”
Doc rises from his chair and comes back around to join me in front of his desk, stopping right in front of me, closer than close.
