“Ten years ago,” I finally say, “I nearly killed my family—and a lot of other people, too. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.”
Stevie must sense the sudden weariness in my voice, because despite the bomb I just dropped, she doesn’t push for more.
Part of me—hell,mostof me—wants to leave it at that. But I’ve been wrestling with this shadow for ten years. It’s the whole reason I’ve been running from my feelings for her; it all goes right back to that night in London ten years ago.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath.
If anyone deserves to hear the story, it’s her.
“My entire family—for generations—has worked for the APOA,” I begin. “My grandparents still work in human-magickal relations. My parents are both research librarians—my father’s specialty is ancient occult languages, and my mother works on cross-cultural magickal studies. I’ve got cousins there, uncles and aunts, everyone. Casey is the first field agent of the family, though—something she used to love lording over the rest of us.”
I try to smile, remembering how excited and proud she was about that fact. But when I think of my sister now, there are three versions competing for attention in my memory: the Casey I remember from those days, before everything went bad between us. The Casey who waltzed into my office a few weeks ago, grilling me like a murder suspect. And now, the latest version: the Casey who took us all hostage and held my friends at gunpoint, all for her shot at the sword.
“There was an event in London for Casey’s acceptance into the field,” I press on, trying desperately to convince myself tonight’s version won’t be the last one we see. “A big formal affair at this fancy hotel with all the families and significant others, all the APOA bigwigs. We all went—Casey and I, our parents and grandparents, my little brother Derrick.
“Anyway, this all happened before I really knew about my Tower energy. By that point, I’d had a few outbursts, but nothing I couldn’t keep under wraps. I just kept telling myself it was hormones, or new magick still manifesting, something I’d eventually learn to control. But that night, it all came crashing down.” I swallow hard, fighting against a wave of terrifying memories. “Literally.”
We crest another rise, more spires coming into view in the distance. The smoke has finally cleared, the worst of the wreckage behind us. With any luck, the stone cathedral still stands, the sword beneath it intact.
Instinctively, we pick up the pace.
“What happened?” Stevie asks softly, doing me the courtesy of keeping her eyes on the path ahead rather than on my face. It’s a small gesture—one I appreciate more than she realizes.
“There was a whole show,” I say, “an act all the recent inductees put on for the guests. Basically, they staged a kidnapping in order to give the new recruits a chance to show off some of their moves.”
“That sounds like… a terrible idea.”
“Completely,” I say. “But apparently it’s tradition. At least, it was tradition. Not anymore.” I take another deep breath, shake my head to clear the ghosts. “Looking back, I can see how obviously fake and over-the-top the whole thing was. There was no way any sane, rational person would see it unfold and think the recruits were in any danger. But for me… I don’t know. I process things differently. The lights went out, the cheesy action-movie music kicked in, and when the lights came back on again, all I saw were three strange men grabbing my sister.”
Even now, thinking back on that moment, the terror hits me all over again. Try as I might to hold it in, it’s no use. Even here, Stevie can pick up on my energy.
And even here, she knows exactly how to help me. Looping her arm through mine, she rests her head on my shoulder, telling me without words that I’m safe. That she’s here. That I’m not going to scare her off, no matter how crazy this story gets.
It’s a long moment before I’m able to speak again.
“In my crossed-wires brain,” I finally continue, “Casey was being attacked. Everything that happened next happened in a blur, faster than a gunshot. It’s only in reliving it in my nightmares that I’ve been able to slow it down, piece it all together.
“My vision swam with red, adrenaline flooded my system, and a tremendous rage boiled up from inside. I launched myself at her attackers. They were trained agents, but I had the element of complete surprise on my side; by the time anyone figured out what was happening, I’d beaten one of them unconscious.”
A faint gasp escapes Stevie’s mouth, but there’s no judgment there. She tightens her hold on my arm, silently urging me to continue.
“That wasn’t the worst of it, though. All of a sudden, I heard screams. Not just the overdramatized stage screams they’d piped into the soundtrack, but real panic. The ground felt like it was crumbling beneath me, and when I finally stopped pummeling the guy long enough to look up, I was damn near trampled in a stampede. The hotel was collapsing, half of the ballroom engulfed in flames, the rest of it like a bomb just detonated. My parents were screaming my name, but I couldn’t even see them in all the chaos. For three hours, I thought the worst—that they’d died in the accident. By the time we reunited outside, the hotel was nothing but rubble. And I learned, in that horrific moment, that it wasn’t an accident or even a bomb. It was me.Iwas the bomb.”
Stevie gasps, and I sense the questions on her lips, the words she wants to say to make this right. But I can’t stop now, or I’ll never get this out. I’ll never be free from its terrible grasp.
“By some miracle,” I say, “no one died. But my grandfather was paralyzed from the waist down, bound to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. At least a dozen people suffered broken bones, severe burns, internal bleeding. Three mages quit the APOA that very night, and one witch was injured so badly she lost her magick. She made a full physical recovery, but the emotional trauma of it… She just couldn’t connect with it after that. And those are the cases we were told about.
“No one could prove the destruction was my fault. But everyone had seen me attack those agents, and without evidence of an outside attack, it wasn’t long before the rumors began to swirl. Behind closed doors, Agent Eastman convinced my grandparents and parents that it’d be best for everyone if I chose a different career. He tried to boot Casey out too, but thanks in part to my family’s stellar reputation and Casey’s refusal to back down, she was eventually allowed to continue her work. But it wasn’t easy for her. She got all the crap assignments, no one wanted to partner with her, and she had to work five times as hard as anyone else to get to where she is today. That night still follows her like a black cloud, and there’s nothing I can do to make it go away. Not for her or any of the others I hurt.”
Stevie stops along the pathway, and I finally turn to face her. Her eyes are filled with tears, and I wait for her to break the news—that it’s all too much to bear. That she can’t be with someone like me. Can’t even be my friend.
She’d be right to go. To run as fast and far from me as she can.
Stevie doesn’t say anything at first, which is just as well. I’ve spent the last ten years burying my head in books; if there were words of comfort for this, surely I would’ve found them by now.
But then she says simply, “Goddess, Kirin. I’m so, so sorry you had to go through that. It’s horrifying, heartbreaking, and there is absolutely nothing I can do or say to take away that pain—not for you or anyone else in your family.” She shakes her head, dashing the tears from her eyes. “So that’s it, then. The moment in your past that hurt you so badly, you convinced yourself that you don’t deserve love. That you’re destined to destroy everything you touch. And you ran away from everyone you everdidlove, just to protect them.”
“As far as life-ruining moments go, I’d say it’s a pretty epic one.”
