Tears of relief spill down my cheeks. Without hesitation, I take his face between my palms and lean in for a kiss, and when Kirin slides his hands into my hair and deepens our kiss, I laugh, feeling very much like the princess who finally figured out how to break the curse.
* * *
“So how the hell did all this start?” I ask Kirin as we continue our trek through the Breath and Blade lands. Once I found him, it didn’t take long for us to fully heal. Whether it was our own magick, the professors looking out for us from the material realm, or something else entirely, neither of us wanted to speculate.
Besides, we’ve got plenty of other topics for speculation, including where Baz ended up, why we still haven’t been able to locate the standing stones, and what the hell is going on in our subconscious minds to bring this epic, level-ten shitshow to fruition in the dream realm.
“I remember we were talking about your family,” I continue, “and then I just… I don’t know. All I could see and taste was the river. It’s all that existed.”
Kirin slides a protective arm around my shoulders, pulling me in closer. “It’s just like you said—one minute we were talking, and then you just…” He closes his eyes, his voice pained. “There was so much water, and I couldn’t… It just kept coming… It’s like you were drowning on dry land.”
“It was the river where my parents died. I saw my father. He said… he said he should’ve just let me drown that day.”
Kirin’s hold tightens. “It wasn’t really him, Stevie. Just a subconscious projection—exactly the kind of thing Lala warned you about.”
“It felt so real,” I whisper, fighting off a shiver. No matter what happens after this, I’ll never be able to scrub that image from my mind—my father’s black lips, blood seeping into the water…
“I know it did,” Kirin says. “They’re just projections, though. With very real consequences, but still—it’s all coming from our own minds. It’s why my siblings appeared to me as children. Even though they’re adults now, and Casey was an adult back then, I still feel like I was supposed to protect them. You seeing your father like that… It’s not surprising. You blame yourself for his death. Whatever you thought he said to you, that was just your own guilt speaking.”
“You’re right,” I say. “But there’s something just… off. For one thing, I’ve been carrying this guilt for years. I’ve had thousands of nightmares about that day—sometimes with just my father, sometimes with just Mom, usually with both. But no matter how it played out, my parents were never outright cruel in those nightmares. I never felt so… so judged.”
Kirin nods. “Yeah, I had the same experience. It’s like everything is amped up by a thousand in this place.”
“Not only that, but if the whole river thing wasmysubconscious projection, how did you end up there?”
“I was frantic, Stevie. You were literally dying in my arms—drowning—but I knew there had to be more to it than that. So I just… I imagined my worst fear come to life.” He stiffens beside me, his fingers dig into my arm, holding tight. “Losing you to that monster… I saw the whole thing play out in my mind. The way he taunts, the bright red flames as his staff ignites…” He rubs at his chest, his voice breaking. “I saw him raise his staff overhead, and I felt the most intense rage and fear inside me… The ground shook, the spires crumbled to dust, and when I opened my eyes again, I was there.”
“So your projection brought you into my projection.”
“That’s one way to put it, I guess.”
“Who knew mutual projection could be so fun.”
Kirin laughs, but it’s not enough to break through the heaviness.
“That night in London,” I say. “It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. And I basically just lived through a funhouse version of two of the worst moments of my life too—not just my parents drowning in the Lost Canyons, but the day my friend Luke was killed in Tres Búhos. After that, I saw you and the guys…”
I close my eyes, letting the whole story spill out. My father and Luke. The fight on the boat. And then Judgment, burning Luke to ash before moving on to Kirin and my brothers, over and over again.
I take a deep breath, but the fetid taste of burning flesh lingers in my mouth and lungs, threatening to pull me right back into that nightmare.
We stop on the pathway, and Kirin cups my face, tilting it up toward his.
When I open my eyes and look into his steady gaze, a calmness washes over me. His energy is all love and support. Friendship. Gratitude.
“Me too,” I whisper, a soft smile finally breaking through. Kirin leans down and brushes a kiss across my lips.
“You’re not alone. Whatever demons your subconscious throws at you here, I’ve got your back. Always.”
I wrap my hands around his wrists and sigh. “That’s just it, though. Personal demons are one thing, but this… Lala told me the Dark Arcana are not part of our subconscious. Their energy exists here, just like we do.”
“Okay. So what are you saying?”
“All this stuff from the past… We’re not just experiencing our own guilt bobbing to the surface. That’s just regular dream stuff, right? But now, it’s like someone is getting inside our heads and twisting things around, amping everything up like you said.”
“Judgment,” Kirin says.
“In his present incarnation, he believes we need to atone for our sins, to cleanse ourselves. In his mind, we’re unworthy—that’s what he keeps saying. Unworthy and—”
