“Tell me how to make this better for you,” he says, rubbing my back. “I see your pain—I canfeelit. All I want to do is take it away from you.”
A thousand answers come to mind—then tell me how you really feel, let me in, kiss me, invite me into your bed tonight—but I don’t dare voice them. Not even when he tightens his hold and the heat surges between us, unleashing a flood of images—moonlight glinting off the ocean, the salty air caressing my skin, a hot mouth dragged along my inner thigh…
It’s all too much—too big to put into words, too needy, too selfish, especially on a night when one of the men I love is downstairs fighting for his life and two others are somewhere on campus, yet to check in.
Forcing the sultry, moonlit images out of my mind, I pull away from Doc’s hold and take a seat on the edge of the bed, willing my pulse to slow. “Don’t suppose you’ve got any more of that whiskey?”
Doc’s back to speaking in sighs, but after a few more of those, he finally reaches behind him, grabbing the bottle off the dresser and joining me on the bed.
“It’s practically morning,” he says. “That makes us day drinkers.”
“Well, you know what they say. It’s five o’clocksomewherein the world.”
“Cheers, then.” He uncaps the bottle and tips it back for a good long gulp, then holds it up high, just out of my reach.
“Seriously? I come to you in the predawn hours, my casual alcoholism on full display, and you’re going for the tease?”
“Not a tease. A trade.”
“I’mhere for the whiskey. What doyouwant?”
“The truth.”
“Which one?”
“Ladies’ choice.” Doc offers the bottle with a wide grin, but the alcohol hasn’t done anything to lighten his mood. Beneath the charming smile, his guilt still simmers, hot and fresh.
“Fine, here’s your truth.” I snatch the bottle and toss back a healthy swig, wincing at the burn. “It’s my fault, Doc. I brought them into my nightmare world, and this is what happened. Ani’s trapped. Baz is… I don’t even have a word for it. And Kirin? He seems okay so far, but after everything else? No way. We’re crazy to thinkanyone’sgetting out this unscathed.”
“Baz and Kirinchoseto walk into that world with you. Any of us would have done the same, and would do the same again, no question. And Ani…” He takes the bottle back for another go. “That’s on me. I should’ve seen the signs. I should’ve been there for him. Been stronger for him. Forallof you.”
“Ani thought he needed to prove something to me.That’son me.” I reach for the bottle, but Doc shakes his head, grabbing my hand and lacing our fingers together instead. His touch is warm and firm, insistent, and I hold my breath, terrified that even the slightest movement will shatter this moment.
“Everything about you sets me on fire,” he whispers, pressing a soft kiss to my fingers.
My heart stutters, and I gasp at the warmth of his lips, but before I can utter another word, he stops.
It’s like someone flipped the master switch and cut off the power. Doc drops my hand and pulls away, rising from the bed and heading back to gaze out the window, seeking solace from the bottle rather than from my touch.
Again, I feel the tide of his conflicting emotions, an endless war he’ll never win.Resist, give in. Resist, give in. Resist, give in…
“Don’t push me away,” I say, not bothering to hide the disappointment in my voice. “I’m here because I want to be. I’m here becauseyouwant it too.”
“Stevie…” He lowers his head, then shakes it, still refusing to face me. “I’m sorry. I… I just can’t.”
“You justwon’t. There’s a difference.”
“I have my reasons.”
“So you keep saying. Ornotsaying, to be more accurate.” I fold my arms across my chest and dig in for the fight. He can rehash his rules and regulations all he wants, but we both know that if Isla hadn’t interrupted us at his place before Harvest Eve dinner, we would’ve followed that kiss to the blazing end.
If we’d slept together, would he still be pushing me away like this? Would I be letting him get away with it?
“I’ve wanted to tell you so many times,” he says, his voice pained. “But it just never… The timing is always… Goddess, I’m doing it again. Fumbling. Hurting you. Hating myself for all of it.”
I close my eyes, forcing myself to take a deep breath. To be fair, he did say he wanted to tell me something earlier, but that was before Professor Maddox came in with the update about Ani, and our ongoing little tug-of-war was all but forgotten.
Doc leans his forehead against the glass and sighs, his breath misting on the windowpane. I take a step toward him and reach for his shoulder, but the moment my fingers brush his skin, a fresh wave of sadness hits me, full of old regrets and a deep, all-consuming shame.
