“You sure about that, asshole?”
“Haley—”
“Don’t,” Jax warned. With a surge of renewed energy, he shot out a hand and clamped it around my throat. “Say her name again, bloodsucker, and I’ll tear off your fucking head.”
“I damn near destroyed her, Jax,” I rasped. “Again. So many fucking times, and she didn’t deserve it.Doesn’tdeserve it. All my bullshit and the secrets and the lies and…Fuck.” I was rambling again, memories and regrets crashing through my mind faster than I could parse them. Beneath the demon’s crushing grip, fresh fear tightened my throat, churning through me like gasoline waiting for the match. “She was taken. She was taken because she trusted me—once again—to take care of her. And once again, I failed. I failed the woman I was supposed to love and protect and fucking cherish for the rest of my pathetic immortal life. And where did that immortality get me? I’m shot full of holes that won’t heal right because my blood is tainted, and I’m locked up in this shithole, trapped in this dank-ass prison in the worst place in the fucking universe with no company but a dying demon who’d just as soon see my ashes in an urn, and all I’ve got to show for it is—”
“Saint, you’re on mylastfucking nerve right now and believe me, after what we just went through? I don’t have any nerves left to spare.” Jax jerked his hand away, and I sucked in a breath. “So either make afuckingpoint, or shut up and let me think, because one of us has to figure out how to get out of this mess—to find Hudson and get Haley back and get herfarthe fuck away from Keradoc—and clearly you’re not the man for the job. In fact, you’re not the man foranyjob, because you can’t even go five minutes without killing someone or blowing something up or creating a major catastrophe the rest of us have to clean up and you know what, asshole? Yeah, Iwouldlike to see your ashes in an urn. Because I’m exhausted. You fuckingexhaustme,SaintElian. So right now, I need you to do me and Hudson and the woman you claim to love and the dead guy rotting behind us and every last bog roach in this dungeon a favor and stop. Fucking. Talking.”
Stop fucking talking? Stop fucking talking.
Yeah, I could do that. I could definitely do that. Iwantedto do that—one right thing in a lifetime of utter wrongs, but suddenly the walls were closing in and the air was evaporating and my heart wanted to pound right out of my chest and I couldn’t fucking breathe…
“Jax,” I gasped. “Wait. I’m not… I’m not well. It’s the… the… the…” I lifted a hand, the tremor so severe it was all just a bloody blur at the edges of my vision. “I’m losing it. I’m losing… and I can’t… I…”
He looked over at me then, his eye widening at the sight, a glint in the darkness. I tried to imagine what it looked like to him—me, strung out and shaking, begging, losing my shit while the rats continued to gnaw and the roaches continued to scamper and death breathed on the back of my neck…
“You’re in withdrawal.” He closed his eye and bit off a curse. “Perfect. Anything else you’d like to fuck up for us this evening?”
“I… I… I don’t have any more pills on me. I didn’t want to take anything before the Feast and I didn’t bring any because I wanted a clear head and I thought we’d be back at the apartment and on our way out of this fucking realm and now I’m—”
“Now you’re fucked.”
I nodded, but he already knew the deal. He’d seen it enough times before.
“Did I say you were on my last nerve?” he snapped. “That was a lie. I’ve got none left for you,brother.”
“But do you have… do you… the pills, Jax. Do—”
“Fuck you,” he ground out, then reached into his pocket. He retrieved a small silver pillbox, tipped one of those little black beauties into his hand.
He’d always carried them, just in case.Always. I nearly wept.
“More,” I said. I didn’t even have the strength to reach for the pills myself. All I could do was beg. “More, Jax. One isn’t enough. I… I need...”
He glowered at me like he really was debating ripping off my head, which… yeah. I definitely deserved it. But he shook out another pill anyway, and grabbed my jaw in a murderous grip and dropped two pills on my tongue.
I closed my mouth. Turned away from him. Moaned in relief as the drugs started to dissolve.
After a long pause, Jax sighed and said, “You need to kick this shit, Saint. If not for yourself, then for her. Do it for her.”
His voice was soft—kind, even—yet it felt as if he’d just lit me on fire.
I clenched my fists in my lap, trying to keep the fury at bay. “Just because you’re sharing her bed now doesn’t mean you get to tell me what to do for my—”
“Yourwhat, Saint?” he hissed, all the kindness evaporating. “Your long-lost love? A woman you abandoned without cause? A woman whose heart you keep on shredding every time you look at her? She’s still in love with you, asshole, and all you’re doing is rubbing her face in it like it’s all some fucking game to you. She would’ve given you the world, and you turned your back on her forthisplace. How the fuck do you even live with yourself?”
If I had any strength left in me, I would’ve torn out his throat for that.
“You have no fuckingideawhat I did to get here,” I said. “Why I did it. Why I left her and what it does tomyfucking heart every time I look ather. You wanna talk about the past? You wanna compare notes? You were in Midnight long before I ever showed up, so you tell yourself whatever lies you need to about what kind of man you are, but don’t youdarepretend you’re not going to destroy her life.”
He snorted out a harsh laugh, but didn’t respond, and for a long while we both just sat there stewing in our own rage and misery, his heart banging around behind his busted ribs, the Dream taking its sweet time working through my bloodstream.
When Jax finally spoke again, his voice was so empty and broken I couldn’t even be sure I hadn’t imagined it.
“Fuck you, Elian,” came the whisper, and when I forced myself to look at him, his cheeks were wet with tears. “Fuck you and everything you are and everything you did and everything webothfucking lost along the way.”
The stale air shifted beside me, and he groaned as he pushed himself to his feet, one arm clutched around his midsection.
