I looked up, unable to stop the tears from spilling.
“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you about Gem,” he said. “Keradoc assigned her to supervise. Saint and I didn’t want you to worry.”
“It’s not just Gem, as much as I want to stab her with something rusty.” I shook my head. “I hate seeing him like that, Jax. It breaks my heart.”
“I know, angel. I know.” He drew me in close, his warm embrace and campfire-and-lemons scent grounding me. “You shouldn’t have seen it. Any of it. Keradoc never should’ve brought you here.”
I pulled back and smeared away the tears. “But even if Ihadn’tseen it, it’s still happening to him. He’s still going through it and I’m just… God, I feel so helpless.”
“Saint’s problems are not your burdens to bear. Believe me, I’ve tried, and that’s the fastest way to an early grave.”
“But he’s my—”
“Your what, Haley?” He sighed and released me, suddenly defensive. “Your ex? Your first love? Youronlylove?”
I searched his face, trying to get a read on his emotions. He knew how I felt about Elian, and he’d never gotten worked up about it before. Not like this. So no, it wasn’t jealousy tightening his voice, despite how badly he wanted me to believe it.
It was pain. Anguish.
I knew in my bones Jax cared deeply for Elian, despite everything they’d been through. Maybe even because of it. They were truly brothers, in all the ways that counted.
And I knew this was killing him as much as it was killing me.
“No, Jax,” I said softly. “I was going to say family. Elian is my family. And no, it’s not perfect. It’s messy and complicated and crazy andhard. So much harder than it should be. All I know is I feel like we’re watching him kill himself, one little pill at a time, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.”
Jax scoffed and shook his head. “Whatever.”
His flippancy ignited my rage all over again. “Fine. You look at him, and all you see is a fuckup—I get it. I see his mistakes too, Jax. So many of them. Hell, that man is a walking reminder of the darkest nights of my life. But I still care about him. I don’t want him to…” I trailed off, unable to say the words.
Die.
Take his own life.
Overdose.
Succumb.
Fall.
“You think I want Saint to kill himself, Haley?” he spat. “You think I want to stand by and watch him disappear, or worse—turn into one of those strung-out corpses back there? A hollowed-out shell of a person? They’re barely breathing, for fuck’s sake!”
“Yeah? And how much easier would your life be if Elian suffered the same fate?”
“Wayeasier—no question. But easier doesn’t… Damn it, Haley. It doesn’t mean better.” Then, softer than the breeze down the rancid alley, he whispered, “My heart is broken too, angel. And every night I see him like this, every night I have to decide whether to watch him suffer through withdrawals or give him another pill to take away his pain, it breaks my heart a little more.”
A tear slipped down his cheek, and he brushed it away.
“Then why do you do it?” I asked. “Why do you do it at all? In all the years you two have been stuck together, why the hell haven’t you left him? And don’t tell me it’s because of some weird demonic principles about carrying debts and who owes who. It’s more than that and you know it.”
“I’ve told him a thousand times I’m going to leave. Hell, before we left New Orleans, I swore to him if we made it out of Midnight alive a second time, I was packing my shit and leaving for good. But that was all bullshit. I stay because he needs me. I stay because when I needed him, he was there. Maybe not in the way I wanted him to be, but still. He was there. So yeah, maybe itwouldbe easier if he just fucked off and died, sparing us all the torture of watching this shit. Of cleaning up his messes. But when you call someone a brother—when you make that oath—it’s not just for the perfect, squeaky clean stuff, Haley. It’s just like you said—messy and complicated and hard. That’s what you sign up for when you choose your family, and as much as it fucks me up inside, no, Iwouldn’thave it any other way. You ask me why I stay? I stay because Ichooseto. Every day, every moment, that choice presents itself again—stay or go. And I make it. I stay. I willalwaysstay. With Saint. With Hudson. With you, because you’re my fucking family. So if you can’t trust that—if after all this time you actually think I’m the kind of guy who walks out when shit gets real—then maybe you’re not the woman I thought you were.”
“Jax, that’s not—”
“Haley, there you are.” Keradoc appeared around the corner, trailed by his two guards. “I was worried you’d finally run off.”
Jax glared at me, as if he were waiting for me to tell Keradoc to go fuck himself.
When I didn’t, he just shook his head and scoffed like he couldn’t believe he’d wasted so many weeks of his life with me.
