“I’m your anxiety, self-loathing, and deep conscience.”
“I don’t have any of those things.”
“Exactly.”
“What will it take to make you leave and keep your mouth shut?”
I smirked. “I’ll keep this to myself, but you’ll owe me.”
“Whatever.”
“Drink some water and open a window. You fucking stink.”
He responded with a grunt as I shut his door, chuckling to myself because,Cristo, it was like travelling back in a time machine. Being seventeen was fun but equally awful. Chasing any thrill to feel alive, whether it was girls, picking a fight, or riding fast bikes. Clearly, not much had changed, except that now I was only interested in chasing one woman for the rest of my life.
“ZioSani!” Liliana came hurtling down the stairs from her parents’ floor, with Liv close behind. My twenty-three-year-old niece beamed at me, throwing herself into my arms. Unlike her brother, Liliana was as fresh as a daisy and lit up every room she entered with her bubbly nature. “When did you get here?”
“Last night,” I replied, kissing Olivia on both cheeks and stepping back from them both. “I didn’t want to wake anyone, so I went straight to bed. I came to seeMamma. How is she?”
Liv’s face shifted into an expression that made my chest tighten. She sighed, pressing her lips together and shrugging. “Good days and bad. She was asking for you a lot yesterday.”
The onslaught of emotions I’d tried to keep buried hit me all at once. Guilt for not being there when she needed me. Relief that she was still asking for me. And anger and fear that one day, in the not-so-distant future, she’d stop.
“I’ll get dressed and go see her in a minute.”
Liv looked at me with sadness in her eyes and a small smile. “She’ll like that. She’s often better in the mornings. She should be in good spirits.”
“Then I won’t keep her waiting.” I nodded, swallowing hard, and backed towards the bedroom.
“Sani?”
I paused, turning back to face her. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me, somehow knowing. Liv had always known when I needed one of herhugs. I closed my eyes, hugging her back and resting my chin on top of her head. I no longer fit in her arms as I used to, but she’d always fit in mine. If it hadn’t been for this woman, I knew I wouldn’t be half the man I am today. She nurtured a softer, more sensitive side of me. She showed me there was strength in being vulnerable and in always following your heart. Without her, the darkness within me would have led me through this life. But I like to think she taught me how to let the light in and see my darkness as a tool, not a guide.
She released me and peered up at my face, stroking a hand down my cheek. “I know you find seeing Cecilia like this difficult and that you feel guilty for not being here more. I know Elenora feels the same, but please don’t. Cecilia wants you to carry on living your life. Honestly, I’m more concerned about Raya right now.”
“Raya?” I frowned. “Why?”
“Because she isn’t living hers. After we lost Marco last year, she threw herself into being yourmamma’s main carer, and I’m worried it’s taking its toll on her. You know what Raya’s like. She won’t ever complain, but she rarely leaves Cecilia’s side. She doesn’t make time for herself, and she needs to take a break. She’s so reserved and sad all the time. I’m worried. She’s become even more withdrawn recently. She doesn’t open up to anyone but you. You moving to Rome was really hard for her, and then Marco’s passing and Cecilia’s diagnosis. It’s been a lot. Gio and I have tried talking to her about hiring professional help to care for Cecilia and ease the load, but she won’t hear of it. Perhaps you could talk to her?”
“Sure. I’ll speak to her. Don’t worry.”
“Grazie.And you know I’m always here for you, don’t you?”
I gave a small smile. “I do. Always.”
“Okay then. How long will you be staying for?”
“I’m not sure yet. I’ll see how today goes.”
“Okay, well, you know, we’d love to have you for as long as you want to stay in the madhouse. I think we all need a bit of Sani in our lives right now.”
“To add more chaos to the carnage?”
“Of course. It’s how we thrive.”
I paused at the door of mymamma’s quarters in the mansion, gathering myself. Before she was diagnosed two years ago, we’d all noticed the forgetfulness, the moments of confusion, and the subtle personality changes, but had put them down to aging and her bipolar nature. But after she was diagnosed with dementia,it was hard not to panic before every visit. I knew the day would come when I knocked on her door, and she wouldn’t know who I was. It would destroy me.
I knocked lightly, then turned the handle and entered. I glanced around the living room until I spotted her in her favourite chair by the window. Her eyes brightened with recognition, and I felt all the air flood from my lungs in one long breath of relief.
