“I’ll give you some time,” Kristin says gently. She leaves me alone with Gran, and softly closes the door behind her.
I put my head down on the bed and let the tears come. Gran is gone. What will I do now?
“Gran, I love you. Thank you so much for taking care of me and for teaching me what I need to know. I’m really going to miss our talks and learning your recipes. I know that you’re where you want to be, with Grandad, Dad, and Mama. Please tell them I love them, and give them a hug when you see them.”
I lean over her to give her a kiss on her cheek and a hug, knowing this will be the last time that I do so. My legs feel like jelly, so I sit back down and continue to hold her hand. I just can’t leave her yet. I’m so focused on my overwhelming grief that I don’t hear the door open and someone walk into Gran’s room.
“Emma,” I hear a masculine voice say as a hand is placed softly on my back. “Lyubimaya, I’m here.”
I lift my head to see Ivan’s blue eyes staring back at me, concern etched in his face. A fresh wave of tears starts falling as I wrap my arms around his waist. He’s practically the only other person I know in Boston, and a familiar face is comforting in the moment. Ivan wraps his strong arms around my shoulders and holds me close.
“I’m so sorry,lyubimaya. I know how much yourbabushkameans to you,” Ivan says as he kisses the top of my hair.
“She’s gone,” I wail into his chest. “What am I going to do without her?”
“We will figure it out,” he says softly. Ivan continues to hold me as my legs give out, and we slip to the floor.
He lets me cry as he holds me close, gently running his hand up and down my back in a soothing motion. The tears kept coming and coming, soaking into his shirt. Ivan doesn’t say anything about it, somehow recognizing that I don’t need words in this moment.
A small knock at the door has me taking deep breaths to collect myself. Kristin pokes her head around the door.
“Ms. Murphy? The doctor is here,” she says softly.
“Come in,” I tell her as I wipe away tears with a tissue Ivan handed me.
“Ms. Murphy, I’m Dr. Cooper,” the doctor introduces himself, holding out his hand. I hold mine out to shake his before dropping it quickly to wipe my eyes again. “I wish we were talking under better circumstances.”
“Me too, Doc. Me too,” I reply. “So what happens now?” I ask him.
“Well, first I need to confirm her heart stopped and verify the time of death the nurse recorded. There is some paperwork to complete and other calls to be made, then the funeral home will be notified. Does she have a preferred funeral home?” Dr. Cooper asks.
“Yes. She made plans and arrangements after my parents died last year.” I dig around in my purse for the card the funeral director gave me, and pass it to the doctor.
“Thank you. Do you have any questions for me?” Dr. Cooper asks.
“I don’t know. I mean, how long will all of this take?” I ask him, not really knowing what I want to ask him.
“It depends. I can make the calls pretty quickly. The longest part will be waiting for the funeral home to collect her.”
“Can I stay with Gran until they come?”
“Yes. We can do that.” Dr. Cooper smiles at me reassuringly. “Are you ready for me to make the call?”
“No,” I blurt out. “Well, yes. I guess so. I’m just not ready to say goodbye.”
“I understand, Ms. Murphy. It’s hard when we have to say goodbye to loved ones.” Dr. Cooper and Kristin move to Gran’s bedside to check for her heartbeat and any other vital signs.
I watch Dr. Cooper verify Gran’s time of death on her chart and suddenly a wail leaves me as collapse on the floor again. Ivan drops to the floor with me to hold me in his arms as he lets me cry.
I’m not sure how long I spend crying on the floor of Gran’s hospice room before I finally slow down and start taking deep breaths, trying to fill my lungs with much needed air. At some point, the doctor and nurse left, because I didn’t see them when I lifted my head away from Ivan’s chest. This man who has been here the whole time. Who has not said a word. Who has held me tightly while I processed my emotions over losing Gran, and he’s done it all while sitting on the floor of Gran’s hospice room.
Once again, I hear a knock at the door to Gran’s room.
“Come in,” I call out, my voice cracking, my throat sore from the crying.
“Ms. Murphy? My name is Brian. I’m here to take Emily Murphy to the funeral home. Is this a good time?” he asks as he steps into the doorway.
“I guess now is as good a time as any,” I tell him as I get up from the floor with Ivan’s help.
