“I’m not.” I glance away from him.
“Yes, you are. You’re thinking that if you let her end you, we can still be together in the underworld. I can read it on your face. No. Don’t you remember how much you hated it there? Even in Elysium. You hated the way they were basically shells of themselves. We can’t have a life like that. You will never be the same.”
“How do you know that’s what I’m thinking?”
“It’s written all over your face that you would leave me to save me. That’s not fucking happening, baby. You’re mine. You can’t belong to the underworld. No.”
“It’s not up to you, Jayden.” I sit up on the bed and glare at him.
“It’s not? If I have to chain you to the bed to keep you from doing this, I will, Beth,” Jayden roars.
“You will do no such thing. If I do this, I’m doing it for you. I’m doing it to save you all.” I throw my hands up in the air.
“You can’t choose me, my love.” His voice is a hoarse whisper and for the first time I notice the tears in his eyes.
Fuck. Even talking about the possibility of this is wrecking him. What would it do to those I love if I actually do it? Tears burn the backs of my eyes as I think of the possibilities. They would eventually move on with their lives, though, and it would be because of my sacrifice that they even had lives to move on with.
“Why can’t I choose you? I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to let her win. But if comes to it… If it comes to sacrificing myself to save all of you, I would be a coward not to.” I shake my head, the first tears trailing down my cheeks.
Jayden drops to his knees next to the bed. “We fight for each other, right? That’s what we do. Don’t give up now when there is no promise that we won’t all die in this war anyway.”
“It’s not giving up if there’s a possibility of saving you all,” I whisper.
“It’s only a possibility, though, baby. She didn’t give you any reassurances that we would be safe. Can you really sacrifice your life and then find out later it was all for nothing?” He presses his forehead to my leg and breathes deeply through the pain.
“Do you think I would make a decision like that lightly, without all the facts? Jayden, I haven’t decided to take her deal. It’s too soon and emotions are too high to come to a conclusion.”
“That fact that you’re actually considering it is what hits me, love. She won’t live up to her end. She doesn’t give a shit about honor. Do you remember the way she mocked you for being noble?” He shakes his head. “Don’t even consider it. We’ll find another way. We always do.”
“What if that way ends up getting you killed?” I cry. “I can’t take it, Jayden. I can’t live with myself if something happens to you. I almost lost you and it fucking broke me. I’m still having damn nightmares about it.”
“You saved me when I nearly died and the island wasn’t even real. I would never leave you willingly or ask you to choose me over the godsdamn world. I’m telling you now. She’s lying because she knows it’s the only way to get what she wants. You can’t do this.”
I kiss the back of Jayden’s head as tears silently stream down my face. If it comes down to an impossible choice, I can’t guarantee I’ll choose the way he wants me to. I’ll give Hera what she wants if it means no one else dies for me.
