She goes quiet for a second, thinking before she speaks. “Hud, I’ve been awful. I was hurt and I didn’t know how to express that to you. And I need you to know it wasn’t about you being gay. That part doesn’t matter to me.”
It did cross my mind that Hadley might be homophobic, but I should have known she was just surprised. Regardless of how she’s acted recently, I know her heart, and what matters is she’s making it right.
“I hope you know that I love you so much. It was just a shock the way I found out, and that it was Cullen of all people… but, if I’m being honest, I think I always knew how you felt about him,” she admits.
I scan her face. “You knew?”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t know for sure, but I’d catch you just staring at him, almost like you were stuck in a daydream. It scared me. The first time I noticed was not long after Cull tried to tell me he was attracted to guys. It sent me into a spiral. A selfishspiral.” She frowns, her expression full of shame. “My default mode is to turn my insecurities back on other people, and I know I need to work on that. I’ve said a lot of things I’m not proud of to both you and Cullen. I’m sorry.”
I knew from her rant at Matt’s party that she’d been carrying a lot of resentment towards me. She felt like I was the favorite child, and when she found out Cull and I were together, it was like I stole the last thing she had for herself.
“What you said hurt, Hads. It played a lot into what I did, and although I forgive you, words tend to stick.”
She scrunches her eyes closed, squeezing more tears from the corners. “I know,” she whispers.
Sighing, I hold her a little tighter. My sister isn’t a bad person, but the saying is true. Hurt people hurt people. She’s no exception.
“Have you and Cullen talked it out?” I ask, diverting the subject a little.
Hadley shakes her head. “I apologized the first day we were here, but we’ve not said much else. He isn’t interested in anyone’s apologies right now.”
Sounds like Cull.
“Give him time.”
She smiles, the gesture sad. “Take care of him. I don’t think I did such a great job.” She gets up from the bed and sits back in the chair, retaking my hand in hers. “For what it’s worth, I’m happy for you two. Witnessing the way he loves you…”
I squeeze her hand. “You’ll find someone who loves you the same way. I promise.”
“He’s probably a fish in a pond somewhere,” she deadpans, swiping the last of the moisture from under her eyes.
“Is that like kissing a frog? Will he turn into a prince if you give him a little tongue?” I joke, the lightness a welcome reprieve from the bleak void I’ve been dwelling in.
She laughs. “That’s disgusting. But, I doubt it. He’s probably already taken.”
I chuckle, a little flicker of light burning in my chest. Like a match lit a torch that had been snuffed out. The darkness is still surrounding me, but Hadley managed to fight back a small part of it.
So I allow myself to feel something really good for the first time since I woke up.
It’s a small flame, but I can only hope it starts the fire.
We sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, enjoying the semblance of peace we have.
It’s a relief to be free from the lines tugging against my skin and the tube that grated against my esophagus. Being able to move around freely has helped to improve my mood. Even the fire in my throat from talking too much can't sway the small amount of happiness I feel right now.
Dr. Mansley said that I was doing really well and that I should be able to go home in a few days. A month is a long time to be in the hospital, even though I’ve only been conscious for two of those weeks. It makes me appreciate the home I was willing to give up.
A life you were willing to give up.
My good mood dims. There are still hurdles outside of this hospital that I will have to jump, and if I didn’t have the fight in me to do it then, I don’t know if I can even try now.
So, going home isn’t the victory everyone is talking about. It’s where the darkness is thickest, and it’d be too easy to let it swallow me whole.
But for today, I’m going to let the light win. Because once I leave this building, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold on to it.
Chapter seven
Cullen
