“Cull, have you seen my cologne?” I ask when I don’t spot it in its usual spot. It’s not something I’ve used since I’ve been home, so it should be here.
“No,” he says, coming over to look over my dresser with me. “Did your mom take it to the hospital when she took you that bag of clothes?”
I think back to my last morning at the hospital. Mom had brought me a change of clothes and some toiletries from home. I don’t recall my cologne being in there, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t.
“Hurry up, boys. The girls already got us a table!” Mom calls up the stairs.
“It must still be in the bag from the hospital. I’ll find it later,” I tell Cull, walking out of my bedroom and down the stairs.
Cull offers to drive, so we hop in his truck and follow my parents and uncle to the restaurant. He texted his parents when we were upstairs, and they’ll meet us there.
The drive is quiet, but not uncomfortable. Houses move past in warm blurs of light from the afternoon sun, a calm settling over me.
“I could be dead right now,” I murmur, more to myself than Cull.
It really hits me for the first time how close I came to actually killing myself. It feels surreal, like I’m outside looking in.
I swallow hard and take a deep breath.
Leather squeaks beside me.
Cull is white-knuckling the steering wheel, jaw tight, a frown tugging on his full lips.
“You okay?” I ask. His nostrils flare, eyes narrowing slightly. When he doesn’t answer, I shift so I can face him as he drives. “No more secrets, Cull.”
He still doesn’t answer, his focus entirely on the road ahead. I wish my range of motion was back to normal in my left arm,because his dick would already be in my hand and I’d be teasing him like he did that day behind the field house.
He really did have me spilling all my secrets in seconds.
Deciding on a different approach, I hit him with a truth I know he already knows. “Shutting you out is part of what sent me to the bridge.”
“Fuck, Hud.” Cull’s sigh is heavy, his hands still grasping the steering wheel. His jaw flexes, and I can see the indecision warring on his face.
Cull pulls into the restaurant parking lot and eases into a spot. He sighs again, this time sounding resigned. “I got a new text today. From—well, I guess Mason, since there isn’t anyone else to point the finger at. You saying you could be dead right now reminded me of it.” His voice is rough, tinged with anger.
I can see how that would put a damper on his mood, but it’s not anything new. We’ve been receiving messages from him for weeks, though they’ve been much less frequent since I jumped.
“What did it say? Does he want your or my heart on a platter?” I joke, making light of the situation even though I know it’s anything but.
“That would have been preferable…” he mumbles, staring out the window. He reaches over and clasps his hand over my thigh, holding on tightly. “It was a video,” he whispers, his Adam’s apple bobbing.
His fingers dig into my quad, his eyes far off watching something I can’t see.
“A video of what?”
His cheeks redden, jaw tense. “Of you… jumping,” he tells me, voice hoarse.
“That’s it?” I chuckle and lean in to kiss his cheek. He jerks away from me, looking offended that I’m not freaking out.
“That’s it?”
All I can do is shrug. “Am I surprised that he was there and saw it? Not exactly. Do I hate that hewasthere? Of course. But I can either spiral or go inside Rosa’s and enjoy dinner with my family. So I’m going to go eat my weight in chicken tacos and hopefully laugh, because God knows that’s been missing from my life lately.”
I hop out of the truck, but he catches up to me before I reach the front door of the restaurant. He tugs me out of the way of other patrons coming and going, a mix of awe and frustration playing across his face.
“You’re not just shoving this down, right? Playing it off as a way for you to deal?”
I bring my hand up to rest against the side of his neck, my eyes locking with his. I can see the fear in them, that maybe I’m falling back into old habits. “I’m a work in progress, babe. This is me trying to move forward and grow. I won’t ask you not to worry about me, but I am asking you to trust that I’m doing the work to get better. Okay?”
