I see where this is going, and it’s not the same situation. My head frantically shakes back and forth in Hudson’s grip, telling him no the only way I can right now.
“Yes, Cull. This is your push.”
He kisses my cheek, then opens his door, climbing out of the car.
“Goddamnit!” I snarl, my emotions flipping on a dime. I slam the door and chase after him. He’s already at the bridge, climbing over the rusted guard railing like it’s nothing. Like that night never happened.
My pulse spikes. “Hudson, get the fuck back here!”
He turns, walking backwards so he can see me. “We need this, Cull.”
“Need and want are two different things. I don’twantto be here!”
Hudson ignores me as he comes to a stop inthatspot. The same spot where we kissed for the first time and confessed our feelings. Where he—
I can’t even finish the thought. I can already feel the sting of bile as it rises in my throat. I swallow it down, the burn still left behind.
Hud leans his elbows against the railing, his face turned up towards the sun. He looks peaceful. Content.
Everything I’m not right now.
“I thought I had made peace with everything in my life the last time I was here, but Maria helped me see I need peace with this place, too. It holds so many good memories, and I don’t want them overshadowed by what I did.”
My gaze cuts over to Hudson’s Bronco, a happier memory trying to break through, but it’s erased by the vision of an ambulance.
I shake my head, trying to clear it.
When I look back, Hudson has his hand outstretched towards me. My steps are tentative, but once I reach him, he pulls me close. He leans his forehead against mine and whispers, “Let it out. I can take it.”
My head rears back, floored by his request. But what surprises me more is the flow of words that rush to the surface.
No.No, no, no. I can’t do this to Hudson. I can’t… I—
“I can’t fucking be here!” I bellow, the words echoing off the pine trees. Hud takes a step back from me, not a hint of surprise on his face. He nods his head, encouraging me to keep going.
The dam breaks.
“This place is nothing but ghosts, Hudson. All I see is you going into that water. Over and over, day and night. The second I close my eyes, I'm right back there. I hear the paramedic say you don’t have a heartbeat. I hear the whir of the ventilator, the beeping of the heart monitor. I remember how blue your lips were…
I’m breathing hard, shaking, and the next thing out of my mouth is something I never wanted to accuse him of.
“You wanted to leave me, Hud!” I grab my hair and start pacing, my voice cracking under the weight. “When you tried to break up with me, that was my warning. And I ignored it. But Iknewwhen you walked out my door that you weren’t coming back, and I didn’t stop you. I just felt it, because that’s how rooted you are in my soul. My dad should have seen the signs.Your parents—” My breathing is labored, my heart shattering over the truths I can’t keep buried anymore. “I knew you were going to do it, and I didn’t stop you!”
I feel my heart break all over again. “I should have stopped you…”
Hudson walks over and gently pulls my hands from my hair. I look into his eyes—the blue I always get lost in—and the one thing I swore I’d never tell Hud comes bubbling to the surface.
“I’m so fuckingmadat you,” I rasp out, a tear sliding down my cheek.
“I know,” he says softly.
Hud wraps his arms around me, and I crumble.
“I’m so mad at you.” I sob into his neck, my fists grasping the back of his shirt while I try to catch my breath, the pain in my knuckles nothing compared to what’s tearing through my chest. “You promised you’d talk to me. Y-you tried to push me away.” His arms tighten around me, strength radiating from him. “I’m angry with myself because I couldn’t protect you, and I’m so damn sorry I let you walk away from me. This was my fault. It’s all my fault…”
My knees give out, and Hudson goes down with me, taking my weight and easing us to the wooden planks. He lets me fall apart, holding strong, never faltering. He’s carrying my pain, just like I’ve always tried to do for him.
“There is no one to blame, Cull. I am not your responsibility,” he murmurs in my ear. I pull my face away from his neck, my mouth opening to argue. Hud puts a finger to my lips, halting my words. “The only responsibility you have is to love me, respect me. Yeah, there will be times I need support. But even then, I’m the one who has to choose to get better. Whatever happens with my mental health is not on you.” He uses his thumb to wipe beneath my eyes and presses a kiss to my temple.
