“I feel so guilty, Hud. Like I let you down.” I can’t stop the tears from cascading down my cheeks, the overflow of emotion needing the release. “I know you say you’re not my responsibility, but if I can’t make you happy, if I can’t keep you safe, then what purpose do I serve in this relationship?” I exhale, my next words coming out broken. “If I can’t do that, then you don’t need me.”
“Oh, babe…” his forehead meets mine, slick with sweat from the afternoon heat. “First and foremost, you are my best friend. That’s what we were first, and it will always be the foundation of this relationship. Ineedthat friendship. It’s so important to me.” His hands rub up and down my back, his warm breath feathering across my lips. “I need your goodnight texts and your strong hugs. Ithriveon your fierce loyalty. Your smiles light me up. I even need your dick jokes.”
I snort, a small smile tugging on my lips.
“I need you, Cull. I will always need you.”
I sit back on my butt, my emotions wrung dry. May as well bare the rest of my soul while we are here. “There is something I need to tell you about what happened in therapy and what happened after.”
“I’m listening,” he tells me, his hands around my waist. He waits patiently while I find the balls to admit what I need to.
“Um… I crashed out on Maria. Well, not on her exactly, but I made myself look like a jackass nonetheless.”
“You wouldn’t be the first one,” he admits, his smile sheepish. “But we can talk about that later. Finish what you need to say.”
I give him a soft kiss, then finish my thought. “After that happened, I stormed out. My stomach was so fucked from what we were talking about that I hurled everywhere. I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore, and when I got into the car, my steering wheel took the brunt of it.” My hand flexes on reflex,the pain a reminder that I actually need to get my anger under control.
The ache grounds me, though, as I gear up to admit the scariest thing I’ve ever thought about. “For a split second, I—” My tears have surged, my chest clenching in fear.
“For a split second, what?” Hud is calm, stable. His voice is soft and even, his hands reassuring as he holds me.
I close my eyes because I’m not brave enough to look at Hudson when I admit this. “For a split second… I could understand why you wanted the pain to stop.Neededit to stop.”
Hudson tenses, his arms like a vice around me.
“It was such a fast thought,” I hurry on to say. “But it scared me. I-I’ve never…wouldnever.”
“That’s how mine started,” he whispers, voice cracking.
Now I'm the one tensing.
His sad eyes meet mine, the first time I’ve seen that look in weeks. “It started small, a flicker. Like, maybe if I could just disappear for a little while, then everything would be okay. Then it turned into, if I disappear, then I still have to come back to reality, and it morphed from there.”
My body goes cold, the sound of the blood rushing in my ears deafening.
Hudson’s eyes widen with concern. “Hey, hey, you’re okay. Cullen, babe, look at me.”
I don’t realize I’m shaking until Hudson’s arms and legs lock around me in a koala hug. Hearing how he got to the point of suicide has freaked me out, and now I’m worried I really am fucked up.
“You’re not fucked up,” Hud chastises.
Did I say that out loud?
“What’s w-wrong with me, Hud? Why can’t I move on? W-why can’t I—” My chest seizes, and suddenly I can’t take a proper breath.
Hudson’s hand comes up to the back of my neck and squeezes. “Try to breathe with me.” His voice is low and calm. He massages the muscles at the base of my skull, his other hand rubbing the base of my spine.
“I-I c-can’t breathe.”
“I know. You’re having a panic attack.”
I bury my nose in Hudson’s neck, inhaling as best I can. His smoky sweet scent is faint, mixed with sweat, but it slowly eases the frantic rhythm in my chest.
“Good job, Cull. Take another slow breath, but try to make them deeper each time.”
I do as he instructs, taking small breaths, letting his scent ground me.
Through it all, Hudson holds me steady, murmuring praise every time I manage a deeper inhale. He doesn’t rush me, doesn’t dare change his hold on me.
