The truth washed over him like an ice bath, making him tremble against the grass. Jacob had always worried about getting too close, and now he had, and these were the consequences: this horrible, gut-churning realization that he’d been in love with his childhood friend for a long time. Possibly the whole time. That was why he hated seeing Felix kiss other men. It wasn’t internalized homophobia, it was him being stupidly in love with his best friend. His best friend Felix “Mess” Messer, who didn’t know how to boil an egg or clean a shower or date. Felix who didn’t fall in love.
Felix, who would never want him back.
Jacob let this wash over him for several long minutes, still shaking. Then he summed up his situation in the most eloquent way he could, shouting the word into the night in another uncharacteristic display that, for all he knew about himself, could have suited him all along.
“Shit!”
CHAPTER 13
Felix woke up alone and viciously hungover.
It took him several seconds of groaning to realize it wasn’t just the hangover beating in his head. Someone was knocking on the door.
He dragged himself out of bed and shoved on a pair of boxers. “Coming,” he called as the banging continued. “Jesus, hold your horses.”
He opened the door and stopped. It was Jacob, which was unexpected. That wasn’t his usual efficient knock.
“Why are you knocking weird?” Felix asked, holding up a hand to protect himself from the glare of the hallway lights.
“What? I’m knocking normal,” Jacob replied, too fast. “Fun time last night?”
Felix sorted blearily through his memories until the night before hit him with a sickening shock. He’d gone back to his dorm with Hec, the first guy he’d been with other than Jacob since they started The List. Then Jacob had shown up telling him to be ‘safe,’ because of course he’d show up to ruin Felix’s good time and lecture him about sexual health. Not that it had ended up being such a fun time. Hec had actually called it quits a few minutes after Jacob left, saying that he wasn’t goingto fuck someone whose head wasn’t in the game. Which was surprisingly considerate of him, even if Felix had been annoyed at the time.
“Always,” Felix said with a tight smile. “Are you here to check if I used a condom?”
Jacob paused. “No.”
Felix sighed. “Jesus. Fine! I won’t sleep with anyone until we’re done with the list. Happy?”
Jacob didn’t huff. He didn’t even lecture him. He just stood there, his hair messier than Felix had seen it in public. Usually Jacob took the time to comb it in the morning. Appearances were important, as his parents always told him.
He wasn’t wearing a watch, Felix realized. Or a pocket protector. He wasn’t carrying a backpack even though today was a big day of classes. Felix knew his schedule by heart.
“Is this…” Jacob started. “Is this actually satisfying for you? Sleeping around all the time, never getting serious?”
“Sure,” Felix said, as brightly as he could manage when he was this hungover. “Are you going to tell me how Ishouldn’tbe happy about it? Because I’ve heard it before.”
“No, I just can’t see how…” Jacob hesitated, running his hands through his uncharacteristically messy hair. “I could never do it with someone I didn’t know. There’s nobody except you.”
Felix blinked. That was oddly sweet. It made some of the bitterness from last night dissolve, which was good. Felix hated being bitter. He wanted to befun, all the time. Hard to be fun when he was trying not to cry.
He leaned against the doorway. “Is this you coming onto me? Still got some things on that list that need doing.”
“No,” Jacob said, so loudly it startled them both. He lowered his voice. “Not… not right now.”
“Okaaaay,” Felix said, his stomach sinking. Was something wrong? Had he said something weird last night? He scratched his bare stomach, wishing he’d thought to put on a shirt. “So when do you want to watch a movie?”
“Later,” Jacob said, rushed. “You haven’t been using your hand cream.”
“Huh?”
Jacob pulled a tube of hand cream from his pocket and took Felix’s hands to rub a dollop of cream into them. He’d done it a million times before, but there was something strange in Jacob’s expression.
“Dude,” Felix said as Jacob massaged his dry knuckles. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine! Why does everybody keep asking that?”
“Who’s been asking you that?” Felix asked, bewildered.
