With that in mind, Mom takes advantage of our time together, and we have fun hobnobbing around Florida, getting me out of my shell. We go to the beach, eat at fancy restaurants, and catch a baseball game in Miami—the Marlins vs. Nationals. She even convinces me to spend a day at Disney World so she can try some of the overpriced concessions she’s been salivating over on TikTok. It winds up being a highlight of the week, mainly because watching Mom get drunk and interact with the cast members is an unexpected treat. She gets as excited as the little kids, taking pictures with everyone she can find, even forcing me into a few. It’s the most fun I’ve had in recent memory, despite the way my anxiety spikes with the crowds.
Then, before I can even think about going back to Michigan, she insists I go to a barber for a haircut and a beard trim. In typical mom fashion, she says, “Son, you know I love you, but you look scraggly. This boy of yours might get scared away if you don’t clean yourself up,” and it’s an effective motivator.
I don’t tell her that Luke and I have been texting practically the entire time I’ve been here. It started with him checking in to make sure everything was okay and then quickly progressed to late-night conversations that kept me up for hours until I fell asleep with the phone in my hand.
We talk about a lot of things. Bullshit at work, childhood memories, the friends he left in New York, and his cat, Misty. He sends me pictures of the most beautiful black cat I’ve ever seen, with bright blue eyes that somehow rival his own. He texts,this is my child, my literal biological fur baby whom I have birthed and is my only reason for living,and I burst out laughing.
The resemblance is uncanny, I quip back. Then, with a surge of confidence, I type out,maybe I can be your reason for living, before aggressively deleting it, my face flushing at my own idiocy.Don’t be stupid.
I miss her like fucking crazy, Luke says a moment later, and I frown.
E: Why didn’t you bring her with you?
L: Pete hates animals. He’s the sort of man who’d open the door and let her out just because he didn’t like that she meowed. I couldn’t trust she’d be safe.
That’s troubling to hear, but not shocking, given what I’ve learned about his stepdad.
E: If he touches a single whisker on her cute little head, he’ll hear from me.
Luke doesn’t respond to that with words—just a string of emojis. Two purple hearts and a crying face. Then he sends me more of his favorite pictures of her.
I get hung up on an old selfie of him lying in bed, cuddling Misty. He’s shirtless under his blanket, his hair ruffled and wild like he just woke up, and he’s wearing a pair of round, thick-framed, tortoiseshell glasses. I think it’s the glasses that do me in. I’ve only seen him without them, and I didn’t remember that he wore contacts. God, I must be down bad if all it takes is seeing a picture of him in glasses to make me feel so off-balance.
Still, it's nice talking with him like this. Despite my previous awkwardness, the more we chat, the easier it gets. It only took us being over a thousand miles apart for me to get closer to him.At the very least, I’m confident I won’t be an incomprehensible mess the next time I see him. I think I can function like a normal human being again. Hopefully.
Chrissy texts me a few times, too, but every time I see her name pop up on my screen, I’m overcome with dread. Whenever I go to compose a message back, my fingers won’t type anything out. After the first few times this happens, I realize it’s because I have nothing to say—and, maybe more poignantly, I don’t think I want to.
At first, I thought it was because I was confused about my crush on Luke. The more I consider it, it’s clear I’ve already made my decision, even if I wasn’t acknowledging it. By actively avoiding her and not treating her like a priority, I’m obviously not interested in dating her. I don’t think I ever was from the beginning. When I agreed to ask her out, it wasn’t on my terms, and I felt like I was dragging myself through the motions instead of pushing forward excitedly. Not as excitedly as I’ve felt about Luke, anyway.
Luke showing up when he did may have impacted that decision, but I don’t think I can say he was the only reason for my apathy. I would have always come to the point where I backed off from Chrissy because, deep down, I’m not interested in the life she represents. Maybe I could have settled for it once, but not anymore.
The truth is, Ihavestagnated. I got too comfortable with my mundane routines, settling into the peace and safety of mediocrity, and I’ve protected that peace a little too well ever since. Even though I always claimed I wanted to be adventurous and see the world, I’ve only ever left home to visit my mom after she moved down here, and not even that often.
After keeping my head down for so long, now it’s like I’ve looked up and suddenly realized I don’t like where I am. If I’m not careful, I could get stuck there forever. I don’t wantthat. And for as much as I like Chrissy, a future with her would undoubtedly be more of the same when it’s becoming increasingly clear that I want something different.
If anything, I have Luke to thank for opening my eyes to the truth. Meeting him when I did—seeing how passionate he is about life—has led me to hope that I can still change. Even if we never become a thing, I’ve come to a firmer understanding of myself with this ordeal.
Still, Chrissy has done nothing wrong in all this, and I’m being a total asshole for ghosting her. She doesn’t deserve the silent treatment, but if I respond positively, it’ll only give her hope for ‘us.’ And I refuse to end things over text if I can avoid it. I might be an ass at times, but I’m not heartless.
I’ll have to deal with it when I get back, but right now, I simply want to focus on spending time with my mom and reveling in the thrill of texting with Luke. Even if I feel a little juvenile every time my mind wanders to what it might be like to kiss him.
A couple of nights before I’m set to come home, Luke threatens to steal my truck, saying that he’s enjoyed driving it all week.
It’s gotta be a nice upgrade after that beater you were driving, I tease. But then it gets me thinking, and I ask,Where the hell did you get that thing anyway?
L: Pete bought it for me when he knew I was coming home and looking for a car. He paid $500 to get it off a junk lot. He only did it because I’m so tall, picking the smallest one he could find on purpose to piss me off.
E: Are you kidding?
L: Nope.
L: Fucker thought it would be funny. Jokes on him tho because I got $300 selling it for scrap and refused to give it to him. So he was out $500 on a shitty joke.
I grimace reading that back. What kind of person buys a car as a practical joke? I think I hate this man as much as Luke does, and I’ve never even met him. By the way Luke describes his stepdad, it’s clear he’s a glorified bully with a serious drinking problem and borderline psychosis. Although I suppose a man who truly believes that Trump won the 2020 election is bound to have some issues.
Why the hell is Luke living with him?
E: Have you found a new car yet?
