Intellectually, I know it’s simply the brain doing weird things with storing memory when this feeling comes up. But I’ve always secretly wondered if that was only our current understanding of the phenomenon or if it was a sign of somethingmore. I would never admit this out loud and sound like an idiot, but when I was a kid, I had this idea that experiencing déjà vu was like hitting a checkpoint in time. Like, in a world of possibilities and probable outcomes, it was a threshold crossed, firmly dictating the trajectory down a specific path, closing down the branches of the paths before it. A point of no return—good, bad, or indifferent.
I haven’t experienced it in a few years, but having that sensation show up now with Luke feels significant. If it is a sign of what I think it is, I don’t mind what it suggests—an openingof new paths and possibilities just from making it here. It’s both exhilarating and terrifying.
Luke looks back at me and cocks his head to the side, his brow furrowing. “Are you okay? You look lost.”
I shake my head quickly, smiling. “Just thinking.”
“About what?”
“How I couldn’t have imagined myself here a few weeks ago, but now I can’t imagine being anywhere else.”
Luke’s eyes widen in surprise, but his smile glows brighter than the sun. “I know what you mean. A couple of months ago, I thought I’d be in New York for the rest of my life, but somehow, I found my way back here—with a boyfriend, no less. Definitely wasnotexpecting that.”
His words are light and jovial, but my brain gets hung up on the phrasing of the first half of his statement, ‘for the rest of my life.’ Instinctively, I know the answer before I even voice the question, but I still need to hear him say it.Because I guess I enjoy torturing myself.
“You ever think of going back?”
I hope it sounded as casual as I meant it to and not like I’m hanging on the edge of my seat for his answer. Like my whole world might implode with the wrong one.
Luke's expression softens slightly, and he squeezes my hand, then his eyes flick down to the table as he furrows his brows.
“I don’t know.” He sighs, and it sounds heavy. “Nothing’s going the way I planned it in my head. I wasn’t expecting to be here this long as it is, but shit got complicated. And then it got evenmorecomplicated.” He taps a finger on my palm, and I take it to mean I’m part of that complication. “I haven’t really had time to think about it with everything going on.”
When he looks up again, I catch a glimpse of unspeakable sadness and anguish before it quickly vanishes, replaced with a bright smile, and I almost wonder if my mind is playing tricks onme. I’ve never seen Luke look so forlorn, and the image pulls at my chest.
“Is it something I can help you with?” I ask.
“No,” Luke answers almost too quickly. “No. It’s nothing you need to worry about.”
“Maybe if you’d just tell me—”
“Ethan,” Luke says firmly, almost painfully. “I appreciate that you want to help me. I really do. But I have to deal with it on my own, okay? I don’t want you getting involved.”
He gives me a pleading look, begging me to leave the conversation there, and in the end, all I can do is nod my head in understanding and drop it.
The fact that he’s hiding something worries me. Part of me feels a prickle of annoyance that he still doesn’t trust me enough with what’s bothering him. But a larger part is too focused on the real possibility I hadn’t considered until now. That this relationship has an end date.
“I don’t blame you for wanting to go back,” I state softly, though my heart starts racing at the thought of him leaving. I clamp it down and smile, brushing my thumb over his.
Luke’s eyes jump across mine for a second before he nods. “I do want to, but I don’t know what the future holds. I can’t think that far ahead right now.”
I nod, but I can feel my heart cracking around the edges.
Just this morning, I imagined I could live like this with Luke forever, but suddenly, that thought feels unsteady—fragile. Realistically, we only met because Luke found his way back to Michigan, and the timing was right, but that doesn’t automatically mean we’ll keep heading in the same direction. The fact that our paths crossed at all is something of a miracle. There’s no reality outside this one where I would have had the chance to meet Luke and form this kind of relationship with him. We come from two entirely different worlds. How could I expectus to grow together when it’s more likely that we’ll grow apart? It’s the most logical outcome.
I feel so foolish. Luke and I haven’t been dating long enough to be imaginingforever. Getting distraught about him wanting to move back to the only place he really called home is a bit much this early on. Even if I’ve never felt this way about a relationship before now.
“Here you go, boys,” our waitress, Ellie, says, interrupting my spiraling thoughts as she materializes out of thin air with our food.
Luke and I let go of each other and sit back to make way for the plates she sets on the table, and the space between us suddenly feels like a canyon. The lack of his touch is sharp and poignant. I turn to the waitress and smile politely, but it feels strained. I’m acutely aware that Luke’s eyes never leave my face.
“Do you need anything else?” Ellie asks, beaming as she looks between us, oblivious to the sudden turmoil at her table. “More coffee? Another mimosa?”
“No, thank you,” Luke says stiffly. When I look back at him, he's still watching me. The intensity of his gaze throws me off.
“All right, then you boys enjoy!” Ellie bounces away, leaving us to our meal. The food looks delicious, but I’m suddenly not hungry. My stomach is in knots.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Luke says softly.
