“No end goal. I’m here for, I don’t know, a few weeks, months? You said you could use me, so use me.”
“Oh, I can believe that,” she says, pausing for good measure, “but what’s the ulterior motive?”
“None. I just want to help.”
“Sure. Then go help in the main house, or help brush the horses,” she adds.
Those are not real responsibility, though. How can I make her see I’m serious about this? “Well, those don’t pay.”
“Ah, there we are.” She finally looks up at me.
“Well, you can’t expect me to work for nothing.” Judging by her reaction, my assumption that expecting to be paid would mean I’m serious backfired for sure.
“Riley, do you even know how tough things are right now? Do you have any idea how bad the economy is, and, on top of that, the expenses to keep this place afloat have been astronomical? I can’t just pay you for helping.”
“But you have jobs posted. I can do one of those.” It’s true, I saw them online. She knows I’m right too.
“For counselors. That’s all the budget we have. And that doesn’t count all the hours I'm gonna have to pull organizing everything to have it ready. I was planning on assigning you to a group in the summer, but I won’t know until closer which group will need extra hands.”
Okay, so she needs help, but she can’t afford to hire someone. That’s fine. I can work with that. “What if I take one of the camp counselor jobs, and then I can just organize here and there before then?”
“You? You want to lead a group? On your own?”
She’s not hiding her true thoughts.But really, Riley? You really think you can do that? On your own?And honestly, I’m not sure I can, but I’m going to try. If I can’t make life here work, I’m afraid I’ll spend my entire life drifting like an empty paper bag.
But I can’t go there.
Positive thoughts, Riley. You’ve got this.
“Wouldn’t be the first time.” She’s acting like I’m some city girl who has never gotten her boots dirty a day in her life, not likeshe’s talking to her youngest sister, who grew up here and knows this ranch inside and out.
“Are you going to drop this?”
“Don’t you need help? Why are you so difficult?”
“Because I don’t need to add one more thing to my stressors list, Riley.”
“And that’s what I am?” I snap like a damn branch. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, but come on. You’re the only person I know who can get the solution to all their problems at once and still says no. You need to hire people; I’m hirable and available. That’s an interview you won’t have to do. I love all ages, so any group would work. There, that’s simple. And I’m available now. You need to clean and organize stuff? I’m your girl. Why is that so hard to accept?”
I don’t even believe it myself, but fake it til you make it, right? If I’m going to try to make this work for however long and save for my trips, I need this.
She stops dead in her tracks, quick and without reservation. The silence between us is heavier than it’s ever been, but it’s not unique to this situation. This, what just happened, is pretty typical for me and Lilly. She says no, I push her buttons, she gets mad, I get mad, she feels guilty, I feel sorry, she says no, I beg, and she says, “Fine.”
“Fine?”
“Yup. This is your farm too after all, no? You want to do more? You want more responsibilities? That’s no problem at all. Here, do you see that shed?” She points to the giant shed next to the main road, the one we often used to play hide and seek in while Dad yelled at us that it wasn’t safe. Lilly and Willa, playing it safe as always, would hide in very common places, while I, on the other hand, hid so well that sometimes, I would fall asleep, and nobody would find me. Not until Mom’s tears got me up and apologizing.
It seems like my whole life, it’s been this same pattern of trying something my way, hurting other people in the process, and me apologizing in the end. I don’t do it on purpose. I just want totry new things and explore new places. Life can be so monotonous sometimes, and they all might be okay with that, but I’m not.
“Yes, I see it.”
“Well, it’s a disaster. Cataclysmic disaster, and it could use cleaning. Can you handle that?”
Cleaning the giant scary shed? Sure thing. Why not? “Mm, yes! When do you need it done by?”
“As soon as possible.”
“We both know those words can mean completely different things to us. Is it as soon as possible within the week, or as soon as possible in a month?” She lets out a sigh, but when she finds me smiling, she returns it. There you go. Relax, sis. Life’s not that serious. “I’m just kidding.”
