“Stop!” I whine, shoving him again.
But his lightheartedness served its purpose. I no longer feel as if there’s a one-thousand-pound weight on my shoulders, pushing me into the ground.
The two of us sit in companionable silence, shifting so we’re side by side on the couch, reclining slightly.
“You’re coming with me, right?” I ask, my voice shaking slightly. “To visit Silas and Kyle?”
“Of course. We’re ride or die, remember? Or ride and…kill. Mill and kill? Hmm. I’ll have to think on that. Though I would strongly prefer that wenotmurder anyone, thank you very much.” He nudges his shoulder against mine, a tiny smile unfurling on the corners of his lips. “Are you going to message your bro hos and tell them you’re here?”
Heat erupts in my cheeks instantly. I can’t help but remember my threesome with Grayson and Ethan. It was completely and utterly perfect, which means it’s been playing on a continuous loop in my head
“I will,” I tell him. “But…”
“After you meet with your birth fathers?” Jake finishes for me.
“No. I mean, yes, but no.” I blow out a breath. “I want them there with me. I do, but…”
“But…?” Jake presses.
“I honestly don’t know.” I shrug helplessly, my mind going a million miles an hour.
How can I explain to Jake that I’m confused about my feelings for the different men in my life? I had sex with Ethan and Grayson, and both of them have confessed their love for me. I have feelings for Ansel, who’s trapped in the covenstead, and my vice principal, who’s currently feral. I’m mated to Ashton, who’s an asshole, and Reid, who thinks he’s undeserving of love. Everything is so confusing and convoluted, and I’m terrified I’m going to fuck everything up.
“How about this? I’ll send a text to the guys myself telling them you’re safe and here with me. They’re probably still at school—if they even went today. That will give you some time to figure out what to say to them, okay?” My foster brother takes my hand and gives it a squeeze.
How did I get so lucky to have him in my life?
I truly love the shit out of him.
“That would be amazing. Wait. Why aren’t any ofyouat school?” It’s a Friday, and all three of my foster siblings should be in class.
Jake chuckles mirthlessly. “Hale and Gerry called the school and told them we’re on ‘vacation.’ None of us wanted to go this week after everything that happened.” Frown lines knit between his eyes. “I’m just happy you’re home and safe, Iz. Truly.”
“Me too.”
Even as I think that, a zing of anxiety sizzles along my nerves.
I’m safe for now, but how long will that last? And what about my family? Will my presence unintentionally drag them into a war we have no chance of winning? I don’t know where those macabre thoughts come from, but once I think them, they remain, cloying and oppressive. Panic claws at my gut.
“Iz?” Jake watches me cautiously like I’m a ticking time bomb seconds from exploding.
I will my hands to stop shaking. Maybe the fire burning in my chest will cremate the lump in my throat, making it easier to breathe.
It’s fine.
Everything’s fine.
All of us will be fine.
I just wish I believed that myself.
Thirty-One
IZZY
Half an hour later, Jake and I park downtown and begin the trek towards the coffee shop a few blocks away.
The sun is high in the sky, but the wind is cool, a startling contrast that batters at my skin.
