Memories of a boy with curly bronze hair flashed in my mind, and I shut my eyes, leaning back till my back collided with the soft earth.
The crackle of the fire quieted, the wind ceasing at once.
“You’ve been alone for a long time.”
The voice was soft, and it washed over me like a sheet of moonlight, causing gooseflesh to spread along my exposed skin. The memory of Marcus and Rem sank back into my mind, though I could not shake the image of them lying by the fireside.
“I’m good at being alone,” I answered the dark.
“And yet you are miserable.”
I pondered that.
“Yes.”
“You don’t have to be. There is another way. A better way. I can show you.”
I wanted to believe them. To know that there was a world possible where this hollow ache in my chest could be filled. Where I would be the one with a partner’s head in my lap, stroking their hair.
I wanted it more than I cared to admit.
“How?”
The voice didn’t answer. When I opened my eyes, I was immediately blinded by a bright blue sky overhead, the night having dissolved into midday. White tents lay ahead of me, lined in familiar rows.
Rudderkin’s camp was the same no matter what corner of the Expanse he’d marched us to.
My body moved before I knew what was happening, angling itself towards the tent at the center of camp.
The mission had been a failure. I’d lost the target, and now I’d have to suffer the wrath of my mentor. I could only hope his mood fared as well as the weather.
“Leave us,” the gruff man’s voice commanded as I entered the tent. I stepped out of the way as half a dozen advisers shuffled out of the space without a word. Rudderkin stayed where he was, watching me from his seat at the war table. I may have grown in my years with him, but even seated, Rudderkin was eye-level with me. He had a special skill at making you feel small.
“The mission was a failure,” I said, bowing my head and locking eyes on the ground by my feet. “I lost the target over the hills of Serda. I accept full responsibility.”
“Come here.”
Rudderkin didn’t need magic to suffuse his commands like the Adored. The malice in his words was enough to stir me. I moved to Rudderkin’s side, keeping my gaze trained on the ground. This close to him, I could smell the wine on his breath and the stench of sweat on his skin.
“You disappoint me, Azrael.”
“I know. I won’t fail you again.”
Pain radiated up my arm as he seized it, dragging me in close so his dank breath came hot across my ear. “Did you hesitate again? Is that how they escaped you? How many times must I teach you this lesson, child?”
“No, it wasn’t that. I swear it?—”
The blow across my jaw scattered my words to the wind. Rudderkin’s strong grip kept me upright, even as the force of his strike caused me to stagger.
“Perhaps your usefulness has run its course, then. A soldier who cannot execute his orders is no soldier. And if you are not a soldier, then what are you?”
I didn’t answer.
Rudderkin rose from his seat, his dark eyes locked onto me with the intent of a predator. “There are only two kinds of Unseen I allow to stay in my camp. Those who can fight and those who can fuck. You’ve done no fighting for me, Azrael. So, what option does that leave?”
His grip on me loosened, his thick fingers dragging down my forearm in a gesture that made my skin crawl.
Once again, I didn’t answer. Rudderkin grabbed the steel goblet from the table, downing the contents in a clumsy motion. Red wine spilled from the sides of his mouth, dribbling down onto the front of his tunic.
