Three
Micah and Nick had become best friends at thirteen when Nick was the new kid at school. Micah didn’t often invite him home, but the rare times he did—Nick was exposed to Micah’s less than ideal family life. Douglas Rose was a laid-back, charming man at first glance and those who knew him only in passing would tote him as a great guy and fun to be around.
Micah had lived with the man. He knew better. And so did his mother, though she’d tried so hard to hold onto her faith in the man she loved. In the end, her faith was betrayed along with her heart.
Having witnessed the man in his “natural habitat”, Nick got a glimpse of Douglas Rose’s true nature. He was under no false impression of the man’sgoodness—which was why Micah knew he could tell him the truth without Nick questioning the reality of his father’s behavior.
“What do you mean it was your dad who hurt you?” Nick asked cautiously. “In what way? I mean, I know he was an asshole and didn’t do right by you and your mom…” his brow furrowed, leaving the rest to be completed by Micah.
“He didn’t physically abuse me,” Micah assured him. “Or…sexually abuse me. I would have told you long before now.” He sagged against the balustrade. “I meant the emotional and psychological abuse. Mostly, what he did to my mom.”
Sympathy etched Nick’s face. As a kid, he had been discreet about not pointing out Sarah Rose’s obvious mental wreckage, aware of how deeply it troubled Micah. At the time, Micah didn’t want to face what was happening to his mom and certainly didn’t want to talk about it. Nick had picked up on that and respected his friend.
“You haven’t really talked about it much,” Nick murmured. “Even as an adult.”
“I know.” Micah pressed his lips tight and stared down at the bottle in his hands. “It still hurts.”
“It probably always will, to some degree,” Nick told him softly. “She was your mom. What your dad did to her—to you—wasn’t right or fair. You both deserved so much better.”
Micah nodded, his throat constricted. “For whatever reason,” he whispered, “she loved him with all her heart and soul. Maybe at the start of their marriage, there had been something in him to love.” He swallowed. “But I never saw it.”
“I didn’t either,” Nick mumbled and down a small swallow of beer.
“It was nice having a friend who knew what was really going on.” Micah looked at Nick. “Most people thought my dad was a great family man. He was a completely different person when he was away from home. Pleasant and charming.” He licked his cold lips and shook his head. “None of the women he slept around with would’ve believed what a bad husband he was, I’m sure of it. He probably played on their emotions and made himself out to be the neglected one in the marriage. Who wouldn’t have believed him? He was handsome and charming…what else did he need at his disposal to convince a willing woman she should sympathize with him?”
Nick sighed. “He was a parasite. I didn’t find himcharmingat all.”
“Because he didn’t hide his true nature from you.” Micah moved away from the rail and paced a few steps. “You were just a kid. You didn’t have anything he wanted. He didn’t care what you thought of him.” He paused, his stare distant and unfocused. “He didn’t care what his own family thought of him.”
Nick tapped his gloved fingers on the neck of the bottle. “Micah…what does your dad have to do with you not dating anymore?”
Returning to the balustrade, Micah took a couple swallows of beer. “I watched him dismantle my mom’s heart a piece at a time,” he whispered. “I saw the life drain out of her a little more each day. That moment when she could no longer deny that he was sleeping with other women…something broke inside her. And when she broke…I think I did, too.” He let out a shaky breath. “What my dad did to her…I think it damagedmeas much. Damaged something inside me.”
“Micah…” Nick reached over and grasped his arm. “What exactly are you trying to say?”
Micah sniffed and cleared his throat. “I don’t think I can fall in love, Nick.” He raised his eyes and tears formed. “I don’t mean that I don’t want to…but that Ican’t.I know you and Wendy think I haven’t put myself out there and really tried to make it work with someone, but I have. I just can’t…I can’t make that connection. It’s like there’s an impenetrable wall around my heart that no one can get through.” He looked at Nick with a glimmer of despair. “I didn’t intentionally build that wall, Nick. I don’t want it there. But I don’t know how to tear it down.”
“Micah,” Nick murmured. “If you haven’t made a connection with someone, it’s because they weren’t the right one. When you meet him, it’ll happen. You’ll connect, and you’llknowit’s right.”
“But what if it doesn’t? What if I am damaged…and can’t be fixed?” He swallowed thickly. “I stopped dating because it started to scare me, Nick. The more empty dates I went out on, the more isolated and alone I felt. I wouldloveto believe in the movie magic miracles, chance encounters and love at first sight—all of it.” He wilted against the pole supporting the balustrade. “But it’s like I can’tfeelanything. Not when it comes to romance. I feel plenty of love for you and Wendy and Eli, but other men…” he leaned his head back on the pole and closed his eyes. “If I’d lost all desire to be with a man, I might think I was actually straight. But it isn’t that. I experienced sexual attraction for the men I dated but no deeper connection.” He sighed. “I even slept with some of them, hoping to forge some kind of emotional bond. But though the sex was good…there was nothing else.”
“I know it feels hopeless right now,” Nick said quietly. “But I’m telling you—it will happen for you. But if you stop trying, stop dating…it could take a whole lot longer. There is someone out there for you, Micah. I guarantee it.”
Micah swallowed past the lump in his throat. His eyes stung. “If he’s really out there,” he whispered. “I think it might take a real miracle for us to meet.”
Nick smiled and scooted closer. He wrapped his arm around Micah and pulled him close, pressing his lips to his temple. “Expecta miracle.”
The front door opened, and Wendy appeared. She looked at them with a smile. “Aren’t we all cuddly. If you’re so cold you need to snuggle, maybe you should come back inside.”
Nick chuckled. “I think that might be a good idea. I’m turning into a popsicle.” He winked at his wife. “Wanna thaw me out?”
Micah laughed softly but made no move toward the door when Nick stood up.
“You coming inside?” Tender affection and sympathy warmed Nick’s eyes.
“Actually…” Micah rose from the balustrade and handed Nick his beer bottle. “I was thinking I might take a walk.”
“You’ll freeze,” Wendy said.
