“I’ve only really talked about this with Daniel, but the reason I kept him at arm’s length for so long is that I felt wrong about engaging in sex with another man.”
Derek stared in shock. “What…?” A hard frown pinched his brow. “But you’re aporn boss.Agay pornboss. You… you really thought gay sex waswrong?”
“No, not for anyone else. Not for you boys. But for me… yes. It’s complicated, has to do with religious issues from my past. But let’s just say, I understand where Patrick is coming from. I understand howpowerfulthat ideology can be. It causes a conviction in thespirit.And when you grow up in a God-centered life, such conviction is difficult to combat.”
Derek pursed his lips. “So… if you were in Patrick’s place now… what would you do? Would you go on the date?”
“Well, I don’t know Patrick’s exact situation, so I can’t predict what he’ll do. But I think if I met someone and felt a connection with them… in the end, I’d probably go out with them. Once, at least, just to see how things went.” He cupped Derek’s neck and smiled. “You did nothing wrong, son. You like this boy, you can’t help that. It’s natural to want to feel it out and see where it takes you. Maybe this will be good for Patrick, help him examine his beliefs more deeply. You never know what may come of it.”
Derek smiled uncertainly. “So, I’m not a shit?”
Gideon laughed and hugged him. “No—you’re not a shit. Quite the opposite.”
“Thanks,” Derek whispered against his shoulder, then drew back. “Now, I’m kind of scared hewon’tshow.”
“Just be there waiting for him,” Gideon said. “And whatever will be… will be.”
“Patrick’s like God’s child. God might not let him anywhere near someone like me.” He smiled sheepishly. “Considering some of the thoughts and dreams I’ve had about Patrick.”
Gideon chuckled. “First and foremost,youare God’s child, too, and he loves you just as much as he loves Patrick or anyone else. Second—he could’ve prevented the two of you from meeting in the first place, but he didn’t. Maybe take that as a good sign.”
“Yeah… yeah, I never thought about it like that.”
Squeezing his shoulder, Gideon smiled. “Well, then,thinkabout it.” Rich motioned to him and Gideon nodded. “We’re about to start shooting. You going to hang around and watch?”
Derek looked across the way at Zach and Benji… their lean, tender bodies gleaming in the morning sun. He groaned. “I probably shouldn’t have all that in my head when I go on my date.”
“Good call.” Gideon laughed.
. . .
Brian returned at a quarter to one. “Sorry I’m late. I got caught up at the church.”
“Late for what?” Patrick lay on his bed, numbness lingering in his mind and body. He felt like he was floating a few inches above the mattress, his head light. Was this how it felt to get high? He didn’t know, he’d never done drugs—not even pot. Never tasted alcohol but for the occasional sip of wine at communion.
And you want to go out with a man of the “world”?
His eyes pinched at the thought.
I don’t want to go out with him.
The “lie” within that statement became more and more evident with each passing moment.
“I said I’d be back around noon,” Brian replied, breaking into his thoughts. “We were going to do something, remember?” He plopped on the end of the bed and lightly smacked Patrick’s stocking foot. “So, what do you want to do?”
Fast-forward to tomorrow.
“I don’t know,” Patrick mumbled. He needed to get out, be with other people—instead of holed up in his room, battling thoughts of Derek and wrestling with whether or not to meet up with him this evening. Why was hewrestling?The choice was obvious. So, why couldn’t he make it?
“What’s wrong?” Brian asked. “You’re not still worried about that dream, are you? I told you, we can’t control what we dream.”
A new dilemma arose: to tell or not to tell Brian about the phone call. He talked to Brian about everything. They had no secrets. Why couldn’t he confide aboutthis?
Really? You’re still pretending you don’t know?
Patrick sighed and sat forward. “I know. And I’m fine.”
“Then get up.”
