Patrick stared at him. “Then what?”
Brian swallowed as shame washed over his face and he looked away. “Some… someoralstuff.”
Tremors rippled through Patrick, stunned by his best friend’s confession.
“He kept telling me that God wouldn’t make us gay—then expect us to be alone our whole lives. He said that a just God wouldn’t do that.” Brian swallowed. “I started to believe him… because I wanted to. Because I thought I was in love with him and I didn’t want to let him go. I putmyselffirst—over God. And everything…spiraledout of control.”
His breath shaky, Patrick whispered, “Did… Did you and him…?”
Brian nodded, his chin trembling. “Yeah.”
Patrick stared at him, numb with disbelief; he thought Brian was avirgin.“What… what happened… after?”
Tears filled Brian’s eyes. “I immediately broke off all contact with him. Making love to him didn’t make me feel better—it filled me withshame.I knew it was wrong to be with him, but I did it anyway for my own selfish purposes. And even though God has forgiven me… I still live with the guilt.” He shook his head as he looked pleadingly at Patrick. “Don’tmake the same mistake I did. Stay with God, Patrick, it’s where you belong, and the only place you’ll ever be at peace.”
Patrick swallowed thickly. “Why didn’t you ever tell me about this?”
Brian sniffed and wiped his eyes. “Because I didn’t want anyone to know. I… I was afraid you might look at me differently, maybe… maybe be ashamed of me.”
“Ashamed…” Patrick dropped the stick and bag and hugged the other boy. “I would never be ashamed of you, Brian. We all make mistakes.”
Brian clung to him. “Thank you,” he choked. “I-I feel better, now that you know. I didn’t like keeping it from you.” He stepped back and cleared his throat. “That’s why I caution you about Derek. Because I don’t want you to get caught in the same trap and have to suffer the same guilt and shame that I did. That I still do.” He cupped Patrick’s face. “Don’t go out with him. Just let him go. Ipromise,you’ll be better off for it.”
Patrick nodded. “Yeah, I… I believe you.”
“If you want, I’ll stay with you this evening. At least, until after the time he said to meet him.”
The numbness returned, invading Patrick to his core. He was still trying to process Brian’s confession. “Uh, yeah… yeah, that would make me feel better.”
“Then it’s done.” Brian smiled softly. “I’ve got your back.”
A small smile touched Patrick’s lips. He picked up the garbage bag and grabber stick and the two of them continued down the street.
A few more yards, and Brian paused. “I think this is where that strip club set up. I didn’t come down this way, but some of the others said they had poles set up and strippers dancing.” He sighed. “I don’t want to judge people, but I don’t get it. You’d think they’d have more self-respect, know what I mean? Honestly, I kind of pity them. It’s sad that people get caught up in the sex business… like they think that’s all they’re good for or something.”
Patrick nodded and walked to the edge of the street where a stray pamphlet lay propped against the curb.
“If these people could truly see their own self-worth,” Brian went on, wandering to the opposite side of the street, collecting trash, “they would be so much better off. Happier, I’m sure. I mean, like, deep down in their soul.”
Patrick used the stick to pick up the pamphlet and started to stuff it in the bag—then paused when he noticed the nearly naked men on the front. A disturbing tingle zinged through his belly button and he glanced at Brian. His friend’s back was to him as he rattled on about sex workers. Patrick swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. He took the pamphlet from the grippers and stared at the cover: two gay boys in G-strings cuddling up to one another. Both blond and blue-eyed, kind of petite.So cute.
Throw it away.
He reached out to drop it in the bag when the pamphlet fell open, revealing a treasure trove of other gay men. Patrick’s heart pounded—beating like a drum against his ribs—as he zeroed in on one face staring back at him, grinning wide, tongue out as he licked the nipple of another man.
Patrick trembled.
Derek.
