CHAPTER 11
Intrigued by Patrick’sstory, Derek was curious to learn more and gain deeper insight into the young man’s decision to forever swear off sex. Was he really “moved by God” to make such a choice… or was it instigated by something far lessdivine?
Such as his parents blasting him with a massive guilt bomb?
Patrick insisted it wasn’t his parents’ idea, but Derek wondered.
“You said you made this decision after you talked with Brian and went to some of the meetings,” Derek said. “What did you think before that? Did you ever think it was okay to be with someone… intimately?”
Patrick shifted, growing nervous. “I-I don’t know. Maybe… in my early teens when I realized I liked boys. I used to think about having a boyfriend. But as I got older and put more thought into the spiritual side of things, I began to question what was right. At first, I thought maybe it was wrong to be gay at all—that’s what my parents’ church taught. I was starting to feel scared that maybe God would disown me, then I met Brian and some of the people from his church. I was relieved to learn that I could be agayChristian and still go to heaven.”
“As long as you gave up sex.”
Ducking his head, Patrick murmured, “I wasn’t reallygiving it up… I’d never engaged in it. I was justcontinuingon as I had been.” He looked up. “IloveGod. People make sacrifices for love all the time because loveseeks not its own.It isn’t selfish. I don’t know if you even really believe in God, but I do. Christ died for my sins and there isnothingI wouldn’t do for Him in return, nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice for Him. And I’m sorry if you think that makes me crazy.”
“Easy.” Derek smiled. “I’m not challenging your choices or beliefs… I’m just trying to understand them. And Idobelieve in God, in all of it. In fact, I admire you for your ability to live up to your convictions. Few people have that kind of strength.”
Patrick swallowed. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get defensive.”
“It’s okay. You stand up for yourself and that’s great.”
The two young men drank their sodas as silence settled over them. When conversation resumed, the topics veered away from religion and sex as they talked about more casual, everyday subjects; what kinds of movies they liked, what they did for fun, what was their dream career.
Derek learned that Patrick liked psychological thrillers. He enjoyed reading, jogging, working out, swimming… and soaking up the vastness of the universe beneath a starry sky. He dreamed about running a youth center that took in LGBTQ youth who were living on the streets, had been kicked out of their homes, or needed a safe place to go if their home situation became dangerous.
“It… It would be forallyouth,” Patrick clarified. “Just centered around LGBTQ youth because they face so much persecution. But straight kids who needed a place to go would be welcome, too, of course.”
Derek gazed at him, completely taken in by the boy’s passion for such a project—his passion tohelpothers, give them a place in this world where they belonged and felt safe and loved. Emotion gripped him unexpectedly and he blinked back a sudden sting of tears. “I think you are a truly amazing person, Patrick Weber.”
. . .
Warmth poured through Patrick at Derek’s genuine, heartfelt compliment. The older boy was so much more than Patrick had imagined. His sincere interest in what Patrick had to say shocked him. He didn’t know what, exactly, he’d expected from a gay porn star—but it wasn’t this. Though he’d seen the photos and video clips with his own eyes, Patrick found he had to keep reminding himself what Derek did for a living. Because the man before him just didn’t fit his former perception of porn stars. Like Brian, he’d imagined them to be lost, desperate souls without a shred of self-worth or self-respect… possibly so far gonemorally, that they had become little more than sexual deviants—living, breathingsexand nothing else.
The man sitting across from him radiatednoneof that. His eyes glowed with life and he seemed quite content with who he was.
Derek’s compliment brought a light flush to Patrick’s cheeks. “Thank you.”
“I want to ask you something.” Derek seemed a little nervous. “But I don’t want it to sound like I’m trying to… sabotage the things you believe. I swear, it’s an honest and sincere question with no underlying motive.”
Patrick smiled uncertainly. “Okay…” He grew nervous as well. “You can ask.”
Rubbing his palm over his mouth, Derek shifted on the bench seat. “God is a just God, right?”
“Yes.”
“Why would he create gay people—who are born with an attraction to the same gender—and then expect them to deny the very nature He gave them? Human beings naturally desire companionship. So, why would He give some people complete freedom to love… and refuse it to others? Gay people didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t even ask to be born gay. So, why should we be punished for it? Not allowed to love one another, or get married, or have families—the very thing humans are geared to desire. It doesn’t seem very just to me.”
These same questions occasionally crept into Patrick’s mind—and he shied away from them. In the face of Derek’s inquiry, he couldn’t escape them.
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I don’t have all the answers. No one does. If we did, we’d be God. All I know is howIfeel, and whatmyconvictions are. Like I said, I don’t judge anyone else for what they do.”
“I understand that,” Derek said. “But don’t you ever wonder about it? I mean, if it’s wrong in God’s eyes for gay people to have sexual relationships—isn’t that the same as it just being wrong to be gay? It seems like you’re saying that it’s okay with God for you to call yourself gay, but you have to deny or resist everything about yourself that makes you gay. In that case, you may as well deny it altogether and just call yourself straight. You’d basically be living the same life and be making a lot more people happy… people like your parents.”
Patrick looked away and stared out the window. Derek said this wasn’t asabotage,but it was starting to feel that way.
Derek stopped talking and remained quiet as he drank his soda and gazed at Patrick. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “That’s just the first thing that came to mind when you told me about the Side B thing yesterday.” Derek sighed. “But it’s none of my business. We can talk about something else.”
You shouldn’t be talking to him about anything. Why are you even here?
