The heaviness that set in with the changing of his number—vanished the instant he’d uncrumpled the paper and discovered Derek’s phone number. He didn’t want to think about the significance of it all, yet couldn’t get away from it. Was thereliefof finding Derek’s number tied to his guilt for running out on Derek? Had he subconsciously wanted the number back so he could “apologize” to Derek? Would that settle it and give Patrick the peace he needed to finally put Derek out of his mind?
How will you know unless you apologize?
Patrick crawled off the bed and paced around the bedroom, chewing his thumbnail as his eyes repeatedly darted to the paper with Derek’s number. He’djustchanged his number that morning as the final step to sever ties with Derek—now, he was consideringreestablishingthat link?
You don’t have to give him your new number.Yes. Exactly. He could apologize, but at the same time, make sure Derek understood that they couldn’t see each other again. It would be over—with no loose ends.That’swhat Patrick needed… acleanbreak.
Nerves twisted his stomach into knots as he picked up his phone.
Are you really doing this?
Patrick stared at the cell. His heart stuttered.Washe doing this?For real?He sank onto the bed and looked at the paper… his eyes glued to Derek’s number… this time,memorizingit.
“Is this a mistake, Lord?” he whispered. “Brian thinks so… is he right? Am I just making excuses because…” He swallowed. “… because Iwantit to be the right thing to do?”
He thought about earlier at the restaurant—and his reaction to the couple sitting at his and Derek’s table.Your and Derek’s table?Why would he think of it that way? There was no “him and Derek.” And why had he gotten soangry?He understood the way things worked. Not everyone got the same things out of life. If a person didn’t accept it right from the start, their life would be plagued with strife.
Patrick had accepted it.
Or hethoughthe had.
Why was one encounter with a total stranger creating so much doubt andunrestin his spirit, mind… and body? He couldn’t puzzle it out and that scared him badly.
His thumb caressed the phone screen, Derek’s number nowimprintedon his brain.
God… what do I do?
. . .
The heart wants what the heart wants.
Nicky’s words stuck with him all the way back to Bailey’s apartment.
Sometimes that’s stronger than the desires of the flesh.
Was it?Couldit be?
His brow knit as he stared at the sidewalk, watching his feet take one step after another, the rubber soles of his shoes connecting flatly with the concrete. He barely heard the sounds of the city as they faded away to a dull, muffled roar at the edges of his mind.
You turned down Nicky because you weren’t “in the mood.” When have you ever NOT been in the mood to fuck?
Derek tried to recall the last time he’d walked away from a hot guy ready to fuck. Had heever?Nicky wasn’t some stranger, either—he was a close friend who Derek regularly fucked. Neither had ever left the other “hanging.” Guilt needled his heart and he started feeling bad. Nicky understood—butDerekdidn’t. Had he walked away because ofPatrick?Really?Patrick was a lost cause. He didn’t want Derek and had made that painfully clear when he changed his number.
His steps faltered; what was stopping him from going back to the club and fucking Nicky?
Nothing.
Derek didn’t turn around, but continued forward, his mind confused and heart troubled.
. . .
His head resting on Mickey’s chest, Marcus played with Derek’s phone. “When is he coming home?”
Mickey ran his fingers through his boyfriend’s silky blond strands. “Friday, I think.”
“I miss him.” He craned his head and looked at Mickey. “I wish he wasn’t so sad.”
“Me, too.”
