He smiled, a little sad and perhaps a little worn out, too.
“I don’t think we need to keep doing this, Adeline. I want you to come with me, not only because I love you –”
The words came so easily to him now, and even if he paused at her sharp intake, he was gracious enough to ignore it. For as many times as he had told her that night, it was not any easier to hear, with the twin flames of longing and sheer panic sparking inside her at his words. Because she had meant what she said: nothing had changed. He had still lied. He was still a danger to her Kingdom. And she still could not trust him.
“Not only because I love you, Adeline, but because I don’t believe you’re safe here. But I can’t force you to come with me, I know that. So yes; I think we’ve said all there is to say.”
It was almost a question; she saw it in his eyes, and the hope he held there all but crushed her.Have you said all you need to say, Adeline?
But she couldn’t say it back. Couldn’t.
She didn’t know if she was punishing Kai or herself when she turned away. She paused at the door only to wish him luck and happiness, and meant it with every fibre of her being.
And then she left.
???
The halls were empty, not even the sentry Gards stationed in their usual corridors. It was as though the Silver Palace was a mere extension of its Queen, and with her passing, the noise and life and presence had drained from every corridor. Like she was the heart, no longer pumping lifeblood through the veins of the palace. Logically, Adeline knew that life went on. The palace still stood; the Gards had simply been stationed elsewhere for the Parting Breath, the courtiers and palace staff off paying their respects to the Queen.
There would be tributes held within the palace and without, but after the scene the Beira family had played out on the Laune, Adeline didn’t particularly want to run the risk of bumping into her family tonight, nor did she want to find out just how quickly word had spread about their shameful carry on at the Parting Breath.
So, she had little choice but to return to her own rooms. She hadn’t been back to her quarters in days, save for a few minutes here and there to change her clothes. She couldn’t stand the heavy silence and the way it seemed to press against her skull and force her thoughts to leak into the forefront of her mind, where she’d been diligently pushing back against anything that wasn’t of immediate concern. She’d spent every night with her sisters instead, the three of them all piled into Iseult’s too-small bed. If she was wiping Izzy’s tears, she needn’t wonder why her own refused to fall.
But the time had come, and on the walk from Kai’s quarters to hers, she tried to make her peace with that. Her mother had joined the Winds. Tomorrow morning, Adeline would move back to her vacant apartment in the city. Before that could happen, there was packing to do.
Even accepting these truths, she found she had to steel herself to open the door and slip into her parlour. It was just so quiet, somehow even more so than the silence of the halls. Perhaps it was the stillness; the certainty that she was alone. Entirely alone. Her footsteps as she crossed the parlour echoed in a way she’d never noticed before, even with the thick rug beneath her feet. The door to her bedroom was slightly ajar, and as she stepped inside it was obvious that someone had come by to tidy up.
The curtains around her bed had been drawn and the covers changed from crisp white to soft, Eisalaan blue. She thought there had been a few extra pillows added, too. The pile of books on her nightstand had been neatly arranged in a standing row beside a thick stack of letters, a fresh jug of water and, she noticed with a stinging jolt, two clean glasses instead of one.
Two.
Trust the palace rumour mill to churn out news of her budding romance, without catching wind of its untimely end. Adeline found herself staring at the stupid glasses for a long moment. Then she turned on her heel and strode to the closet. She hauled out her trunk and began lining it with her clothes, folding each and every item meticulously. She made a meal of it; mindless, repetitive work that occupied her weary head. She folded, and sorted, and stacked; folded, and sorted, and stacked. Only when the dust from the very back of the closet had her wheezing did she stop and catch her bearings.
It was late. Her eyes were dry and itchy with the need to sleep, and from the shadows coating the arches of the windows, it seemed the lanterns in the courtyard had already been dimmed for the night.
Adeline rose stiffly from her crouch by the trunk and went to the nightstand to pour a glass of water - but as she lifted the jug, her name caught at the corner of her eye, like someone had called it out;Adeline, in solid black ink.
Her stack of letters.
She picked them up as she drank, thumbing cautiously through the thick envelopes. She had packed all she really needed, and though she knew sleep would not come for hours, if at all, she was worn out, tired down to her bones. Perhaps this would be her next mind-numbing task; some correspondence to catch up on while she lay awake in bed.
Oddly satisfied to have a bit of mundane purpose, she washed and dressed and climbed under the covers. It took only two opened letters to realise what a colossal mistake she had made.
They were condolences, of course.
Letters from courtiers, councillors, distant family, all wanting to reach out with the best of intentions, to tell her how very sorry they were for her loss. And just like that, her short-lived relief was gone, her throat as tight as it had been while she watched her mother’s body pressed down to snowdust only hours ago. The sadness and fear crept back into her chest and tightened it, taking up all the empty space in her lungs. Still the tears would not come; and it fucking hurt.
She leafed through the envelopes, and her breath came in pathetic little gasps, dry and painful. Was there not even one letter dated earlier than this week, not even one distraction from the dizzying churn of her thoughts?
She would take a record of public court proceedings,fuck,she would take a Cold Council summons to discuss the bloody Ice Merchant tax tiers,anything–
She flipped over the last letter in the pile, and her heart plummeted at the sight of the blue wax embossed with a boldS.B.in silver lettering. Anything, it turned out, but this.
Adeline’s hands shook as she tore the Royal seal without thinking and almost ripped right through the letter before she could shake it out.
Adeline,
I received your note–
