My friends shake their heads, letting me get away with my avoidance.
In my experience, emotions only lead directly to heartbreak. Keeping them shut down is the only way to survive.
* * *
“I miss her,” Gray whines in my passenger seat. “Why’d she hafta leave?”
He’s got his forehead pressed into the passenger side window. I don’t bother answering. Grayson has bemoaned about Kylie the majority of the drive to my house. True to my word, I only had two beers while Gray drank his weight inbourbon. He still hasn’t shared what’s going on. Obviously, Kylie is getting under his skin, but what she’s done this time is still unknown.
I wish I could tell him to move on with his life. She’s got her own family now, and if she had any feelings for him whatsoever, she’d have walked away from her husband a long time ago. It pisses me off a little that she’s continued to string him along. Grayson is about as transparent as plastic wrap when it comes to his emotions. How could she not know how he feels about her by now?
“She’s havinghisbaby. That bastard doesn’t deserve her. No one does. Not even me. She’ll never love me, Knoxy. Why can’t I stop loving her?” He looks at me with those puppy dog eyes.
“I don’t know, Gray. Sometimes the world fucking sucks.”
He snorts. “Sucks. Fuck, I haven’t been sucked in so long.”
“Ack. Jesus, Gray.”
“What? How long’s it been since you got any? I swear I can’t even ’member.” He leans in closer. “The last time I found someone who looked a little like Kylie. Felt like a slimeball afterward ’cause all I was thinking about was her instead of the nice girl I was actually with. Haven’t taken anyone home since.”
I wince at the thought. That was more information than I ever needed to know.
“So?” Gray swings his head toward me.
“So, what?”
“When did you last do the nasty?”
“I couldn’t say an exact date.” Which is true, since it was before Finn was born.
“Ballpark figure,” Gray pushes.
Parking in my driveway, I ignore his probing. I get out of my truck and walk around to help him down. He stumbles a little, making me tighten my grasp on his biceps. Once we’reinside, I lead him upstairs to the guest bedroom. The house I grew up in doesn’t look anything like it used to. I gutted it the minute I could and went room by room, remodeling it. I didn’t want a single reminder of my father or childhood left.
I finally get Gray into bed, chuckling a bit at the way he’s face planted, his limbs sprawled out across the mattress. With a couple of yanks, I get his boots off and leave a glass of water and pain meds on the nightstand. He’s going to be hurting tomorrow.
Our conversation tonight plays through my head as I get ready for bed. I haven’t had sex since before Finn was born. His mom… She was never very maternal, and she hated how devoted I was to Finn. She wanted me to make her the center of my world instead of our son. I couldn’t do it. I’d sworn to never treat Finn the way my father treated me. To say it caused problems between us would be an understatement.
I made mistakes in that relationship—I won’t deny that. But I never should have married Leona in the first place. The only reason I can give for that is being young and stupid. I thought getting married and having kids was what you’re supposed to do. I should have listened to my gut when it told me it was a bad idea.
I’m listening to it now.
And I’ll never make the same mistake again.
CHAPTER 16
Farrah
“Hey, honey. Can I get some more coffee when you get a minute?”
I smile at Terrance. “Of course. I’ll bring the pot over after I drop these dishes off.”
The wrinkles around his mouth deepen as he smiles at me. The few white wisps of hair on the top of his head make him look a little like a cartoon character.
He’s been coming into Desi’s Diner every morning for the last fifty years. When I started working here, he gave me the inside scoop on everyone who walked in. He warned me off the guys who would give me a hard time and shared all the gossip to help me get the best tips.
I love him as if he were my grandfather, even though he’s got a ton of grandkids of his own. His kindness gave me the boost to make this job much better than it could’ve been. It’s tough having to work on the weekends after a long week of teaching, but I wouldn’t have my house if it weren’t for the tips I’ve made.
