“Maybe.” I shrugged. “You do, definitely.”
He scoffed. “So do you, dumbass. Don’t go doing that to yourself.” He looked over at me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I ripped open the animal crackers, avoiding his gaze, though I could feel him staring at the side of my face. “What? About the flashbacks?”
“No, fuckhead.”
I snorted a laugh.
“Kreed already had suspicions. We were just waiting on you to come to us, you stubborn ass.”
I rolled my eyes and shoved an animal cracker into my mouth, crunching loudly.
“I mean, why didn’t you tell me about your parents? About all of it? Why would you fucking hide that from me, Corvus?”
I hated the hurt in his voice. He was trying to hide it, but he was failing.
I finished chewing and sighed. “Because Iletit happen, Hudson. That’s a lot different than it just happening to me. I can’t stomach the thought of you thinking differently of me.”
“Thinking differently of you…” Hudson’s voice trailed off, and then, he jerked to his feet, making me jump in surprise. Shaking his head, he paced to the end of the patio and back. He repeated the motion again, then stopped right in front of me. “I want to punch you in the fucking face.”
I blanched. “What?”
“You are fuckingstupid, you know that? You were solely looking for a way to make shit easier on yourself, you fucking dimwit. That’sall. I wouldneverthink differently of you for just trying to fuckingsurvive, Corvus. Shit, we werebothjust trying to survive shitty situations. After what happened to me, you really thought I’d somehow think differently of you? We could’ve dealt with this a long time ago if you’d just come to me. Or fuck, just gone to Kreed. It didn’t even have to be me, Corvus.”
I scrubbed at my forehead before lifting the blunt to my lips.
“It didn’t feel like that to me,” I muttered. “I felt like I asked for it. Like because I went to them willingly, I was okay with it.”
Hudson finally dropped back onto his seat.
“If it were me, would you think the same?” he asked.
My eyes widened, and I quickly shook my head.
“Because I kept coming back home during school breaks instead of taking Kreed’s offer to live in an apartment somewhere, was I somehow okay with what my mom did to me?”
“What—no!” I exclaimed. “Christ, no, Hudson. That’s different, though.”
“How the fuck is it different, Corvus?” Hudson demanded. “It’s the same, is it not? I continuously went back home where I knew I’d run into her, so doesn’t that make me somehow at fault for what happened to me? I stayed at home that day instead of going with Kreed, despite knowing she’d more than likely show up, and I nearly died. Am I at fault for that, too?”
What the fuck? “No, you’re missing what I’m saying?—”
“I’m not,” Hudson interrupted. “I’m literally repeating what the fuck you said to me. You see how much it doesn’t fucking make sense, Corvus?”
I swallowed thickly, feeling like I was crawling out of my skin.
“It’s the fuckingsame,” he repeated. “Becoming adults doesn’t somehow mean we can’t be abused, Corvus. You traded your bodily autonomy for a few months of peace. Just because you knew they would drug you doesn’t somehow mean you fucking consented to anything that happened to you. Being bribed with a few months of peace doesn’t somehow mean clear consent, Corvus. Youdid not fucking consent.”
My hand shook as I lifted the blunt back to my lips for another hit.
“It doesn’t feel that way,” I finally rasped.
“I know.” Hudson sighed. “For the longest time, I stayed up late at night wondering what I could’ve done differently to save you and Kreed from seeing me nearly fucking dead. I wondered why I stayed home when I knew she’d try some dumb, unhinged bullshit. I spiraled a fucking lot.”
“I didn’t know,” I said quietly.
Hudson nodded. “I know. You were having nightmares. I didn’t want to worry you more. Kreed helped me through it all. But now, I wonder if I’d just opened up to you about that night, maybe you would’ve opened up to me, too, and some of this could have been avoided.”
