So it really is that bad.
When he’s standing in front of me, we hug for minutes. ‘Thank you,’ he whispers hoarsely in my ear, sounding as if he can finally breathe a little again.
Even though my own doubts catch up with me from time to time, in moments like this I know for sure that we’re doing the right thing.
‘Anytime,’ I reply, give him one last, fierce squeeze and finally let go of him so I can take a closer look at the house. The roof is crooked, the front door broken, and even from a distance you can tell the windows are drafty. ‘Who owns it?’
‘I do.’ His breathing is labored. ‘It was Lilly’s house, she left it to me.’
Of course! There’s a house that goes with the garden. ‘There’s a creek there too, right?’
‘That’s why she wanted it.’ Jaden shifts from one foot to the other and points to the overgrown garden next to the house. ‘Back there it winds its way across the property,’ he says. ‘But she loved this dump like crazy too.’
Yeah, that’s so Lilly. When she looked at this house, she must have seen nothing but possibilities, and it was the same with the garden. No matter how neglected it is, she saw lavender, roses, and olive trees there. Along with stone paths and a terrace where she would sit and enjoy her little paradise.
Where we would sit together—with birdsong in our ears and sunrays on our skin—as soon as we were healthy again.
It’s a future I wanted to believe in back then, when I talked to her about it. As a doctor, I knew that her chance of a lasting cure was lower than mine.
But even if she had beaten the cancer and started planting this garden, she might never have sat there to enjoy it in all its glory.
Or maybe she would have.
Because for her, too, there weren’t just risks, there were chances as well.
‘It could take years to turn this garden into Lilly’s dream,’ I say quietly.
He nods. ‘And it’ll be anything but easy.’
My gut tells me that Jaden isn’t talking about all the work or the physical effort. Every day we spend here will be one more day filled with memories of Lilly for him.
For a while we stand together in front of this house, each lost in our own thoughts, each fighting our own demons. When I saw that item on Lilly’s list, I thought it was about planting a few things. That it could go like it did with my little orchid. I had no idea it would feel like so much more.
Jaden takes my hand and laces his fingers with mine. ‘Will you help me create the most beautiful garden in the world?’ he asks, his gaze fixed on the property.
I promised him I would, but can I really create something here with him without asking myself whether I’ll still be around to see the roses bloom and the trees bear fruit? Can I fight here with him for a future that might never come?
He tugs on my hand so that I turn to face him and looks at me intently. ‘We can stop anytime, quit, try again, hold out, celebrate small victories, fail, get back up.’
Those were my words when I wanted to get him to stop ignoring Lilly’s list and his promise. Back then I had no idea how much those items would also have to do with me. It was about him, about his pain.
His fingers wander tenderly across my forehead. ‘I think together we can do it.’
Together, the word echoes inside me. All the moments when, together, we were better at keeping our balance than either of us alone flutter through my mind.
I seek out his gaze. ‘I think so too.’
Chapter Thirty-Six
JADEN
The day before yesterday we made plans, wrote shopping lists, and spent hours watching YouTube videos. Today, after our last shared shift as part of the exchange program, I’m on my way to the house in Ray’s station wagon, loaded down with tools and bags for the green waste. Fortunately, he won’t be moving for another month and was able to lend me the car.
The afternoon sun is shining in the sky, the day couldn’t be more perfect, and I can even feel a sense of anticipation mixing with my nerves.
It’s crazy how things change. How I can suddenly do something that used to be unthinkable—and the other way around.
Because there are quite a few things I no longer do, even though they were such a solid part of my life for so long.
