I shook my head. I hadn’t just shattered the fragile bond between me and Lola. I’d smashed through it like a wrecking ball to make sure we were the furthest thing fromtogether.
Ruth must have missed my reaction because her excited chatter lit up the room. “Aiden! Yes! This is so wonderful. As soon as you told me about how you met, I knew you were perfect for each other. I can’t believe you found some poor woman to talk about all your dusty old books and your stupid chickens. You should invite Lola over here—”
“Ruthie girl.” I held up my hand for her to stop. “Lola won’t be coming over.”
She sucked in a sharp breath. “Are you…?” She glared at the hand sitting limply in her lap. “Are you ashamed of—”
“Never.”I didn’t let her finish that rubbish train of thought. My palm covered her hand. She couldn’t feel it, but I gave her a reassuring squeeze anyway. “Don’t ever say that, you hear me? I’m prouder of you than anyone on this whole damn planet. If I were taking Lola anywhere, your place would be the first on the list, understand?”
“But…then…why?”
“Lola and I aren’t together.”
Ruth’s smile was confused. “But you… The two of you… Right?”
“I screwed it up.” I choked on the words as my head dropped into my hands. “Ruth, I screwed it up so bad.”
“I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.”
I let out a pained laugh. “It’s so much fuckingworse.”
“So, tell her you’re sorry. Explain—”
“No.” Regret sliced through me, and I kept my gaze pinned to my mug. “The things I said… What I did… Ruth, I was so…” I pressed my fist into that bruised spot in my chest. “I was so fuckinghorribleto Lola… I was just so…”
“Scared?”
I couldn’t answer. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. Scared? I was terrified. There had never been anyone before Lola. Life before Richmond had only been about duty—making my father proud and climbing the ranks to become a sergeant. Life after was full of shadows too dark to inflict on anyone. I never should have gone there with Lola.
Never.
Ruth’s good arm wrapped around me, her head resting on my shoulder. “You pushed Lola away?”
“Yeah.”
“On purpose?”
I jerked my chin down in a nod.
“Oh, Aiden.Why?”The disappointment in her voice was the last thing I needed to hear. “You deserve to be happy—”
“No, I don’t! I fuckingdon’t!”I shrugged off Ruth’s arm, the chair scraping against the wooden floor when I pushed up. Standing by the sink was safer. “I have no fucking right toeverbe happy after…” Shaking my head, I dragged in a steadying breath. “Not after what happened.”
Ruth twisted in her chair to face me. “After what happened with Lola?” Emotion choked her usually bold voice. “Or…before that?”
“All of it.”
“Aiden—”
“Don’t. Just…don’t,okay?”
“The accident wasn’t your fault—”
“Don’t!”
Ruth’s mouth pressed into a grim line, and she stared at me, not blinking. “You have to stop doing this.” She sighed. “The world already lost three people that night. You have to stop drifting through life like you died with them.”
My head dropped, my chin falling to my chest so I had nowhere to look but my feet. I didn’t want to hear that. Not a single word. Not from Ruth, of all people.
