She poked her stubby finger at the glimmers of frost clinging to the grass and shrieked with delight when the chill tickled her skin. Her vivid toddler imagination had decided the icy shards were fairy magic.
I called out to Matilda, “It’s almost bedtime, okay?” but reached for the glass on the railing. I’d sip wine and lie to myself a few more times. It had been “almost bedtime” for half an hour, and I still wasn’t ready to face the empty bed.
The sudden ringing of my phone cut through my spiraling thoughts. My grip on the wine glass tightened. “Oh, great,” Imuttered. “Guess who decided I’m finally important enough to call?”
Jeremy didn’t deserve a hello. Instead, he got a tired, clipped “What?”
“Erin… I…” A raspy breath filled the pause. “I got the letter from the lawyer. They served me at work today.”
Here we go…
I gulped down too many sips of wine for courage.
“Erin, you… left me? The date of separation the lawyer noted is the night that I… It was last Wednesday when I…”
I helped him fill in the blank. “Cheated on me.”
“No,” he choked out.
“Betrayed me.”
“No.”
“Destroyed our marriage. I could do this all night, Jeremy. What about ‘screwing around behind my back’?”
“Erin, you have to understand… I’ve been missing you so much. I rationalized to myself that what I needed was purely physical. I was so fucking wrong.” His voice cracked, and he paused, seemingly unable to find the words he needed to say. “I knew straight away I’d made a terrible mistake.”
Sarcasm dripped from my voice when I snapped back, “Oh, well, that explains why you screwed her for hours.”
“I…” Jeremy dropped a heavy sigh. “I couldn’t…finish. I felt so guilty. Nothing happening felt right. That’s why it took hours. I don’t want to hurt you—”
“Too late.”
“Erin, all I’ve been searching for isus. Whatweused to have… Before Lila…”
“Don’t youdareuse Lila getting sick as an excuse for what you did. She’s my best friend—”
“She’sgone, Erin! It’s been three years, and youstillhaven’t accepted it.You’rethe one who used her illness as an excuse to pull away—”
“No!”
Jeremy lowered his voice to the velvety tone that probably soothed his patients. “I understand the cycle better than anyone. You know I do. I help people manage grief every day in my practice. But when you’re my wife and not my patient… I guess it was harder to remember to be objective and not feel…forgotten.” He sighed. “Erin, I’m so lost without you.”
I let my silence be the answer to that pathetic monologue.
“I was upset when I came home that night because I knew I hadn’t fixed the void between us with another person. I felt so fuckingempty,and there was no way I could make it better after I did what I did. Jesus, Erin… Why didn’t you tell me you left? You didn’t need a lawyer to tell me.”
“Would you have cared? Didn’t you notice my rings on the nightstand and wonder why they were there?”
“On the… Fuck.” Heavy footsteps echoed in the background. He must have been running up the stairs to the bedroom. “I didn’t…”
“See them? No, I suppose you didn’t. Were you at Tallulah’s house fucking her the whole time I’ve been gone?”
“No!Jesus, no. Erin…” He inhaled a sharp breath. “You really left your rings. You haven’t taken them off since… since… I’m not…Fuck.”
Jeremy’s muffled sobs cut through the phone. My jaw tightened, and I pressed the rim of the glass to my lips, taking a long sip of wine. I imagined him sitting on the edge of the bed in his pristine suit, head bowed, the reality of our divorce crashing down around him. For a heartbeat, my love for the man I married battled to break free, but anger still boiled in my blood. I could never forgive him for what he did.
“Jeremy, if you read the letter—”
