The feel of her fingers against his skin stilled something in him, but it could not stop the panic he had unleashed. He had to make her understand, he had to tell her that he was sorry.
She shook her head, pulling him into an embrace. He felt something shatter in him as she held him. He could feel her murmuring against him, but could not make out the words. The tumult within him stilled as he felt her hands rub circles across his back.
He breathed in, matching his breath to hers. The smell of honey and cinnamon filled his nostrils. The warmth of it melted the icein his veins. His heart beat in time with the motion of Harriet’s hand against his back.
“You have to stop blaming yourself for things that are not your fault.” Her breath tickled his ear, and they broke apart, though she kept a hold of his hand. “You did not even know I was here, and even if you had… None of this would have been your fault.”
“But-” he began but Harriet shook her head, her hand tight around his.
“No, Theodore. You cannot control everything.”
Her green eyes flashed in defiance, and his protests died before they could reach his tongue. His shoulders slumped, and he reached a finger to gently brush the bandages around her head.
“What happened?” he asked, relieved when she did not flinch away from him.
“I was walking with the others, and I overexerted myself in the heat. I fell, and struck my head. But the wound is not deep – this bandage is only a precaution so that I do not scratch it in my sleep. The bandages will be removed in a few days. With a little rest, I will be perfectly fine.” She gave him a small smile, and his heart skipped several beats. “I am well, I promise, it is my pride that is more bruised than anything else.”
“Would you tell me if it was serious?” He canted his head towards her.
“I would not lie to you.” There was a beat of silence. “That is not who I am.”
A hint of cold wafted between them.
“I know.” Theodore sighed and ran a hand through his hair, dislodging several more sticks and leaves as he did. He felt his cheeks flush as he tried to regain his composure. “I am sorry… I should not have made such a scene.”
“You were worried.” Harriet gave him a small smile, but it did not hide the sadness in her eyes. “I understand, and now you have seen that I will be fine, you need not remain worried.”
“I will try.”I will worry until you are by my side, and even then.He kept the words to himself.
“I know, and I suspect you will still blame yourself for things even if they are not your fault.” Harriet swallowed. “It is just who you are, and you cannot change that.”
He took a deep breath. He had not thought beyond his immediate need to see her, to prove that she was well, but now that she was here, he knew what he had to do.
He swallowed, trying to moisten his dry mouth. He ran through all the things he wanted to say, all the things he needed to tell her.
I would change the world for you, if it meant that you would come home with me.He inhaled deeply, the words pressing against him, desperate to escape, but before he could say them, Harriet continued.
“And I do not want you to.” He heard a catch in Harriet’s voice. “You are who you are, and I do not want to force you to be someone you are not. I cannot force you into a life you do not want; that is not the woman I want to be.”
“You are not forcing me into anything.” Theodore frowned.
“I was. And it was wrong… I see that now.” Harriet swallowed. “I think… I think keeping on as we were will just make both of us miserable, and I do not want that.”
“What are you saying?” His blood ran cold.
“I am not going to abandon Phoebe. I will visit as often as I can.” Harriet had released his hand and was fiddling with her bedclothes. “The Dowager Duchess’s cottage is not far from the Irondale hall. It is in need of a little work, but it would be easy to do. I can stay here until it is ready, or I can take a room at the inn in the village or something.”
“I do not understand.”She does not want to come back.It hit him with the force of a bullet.
“I cannot go back, Theodore.” Her voice broke. “We tried to make living together work but… It is messy and hard andcomplicated and I… I cannot keep doing it. It is not fair, not to any of us. We need different things and at the end of the day, we have to think of Phoebe. I think it will be better for all of us if we live apart. If you have your life, and I have mine and we keep things clear.”
Theodore did not say anything. His mind buckled beneath the weight of her words. She did not think he could change. She did not want him. She did not want to come home.
I can change. I want to change.He opened his mouth, ready to say the words, but Harriet was speaking again, and it shattered the last shreds of his hope. “I have always wanted a little cottage just for me, a quiet life to paint and draw. It would be peaceful. And it would mean we both get what we want.”
I want you.He swallowed the words, and stood, drawing in a deep breath as he met her gaze. His heart ached, but he knew what he had to do.
This was what Harriet wanted. It was what she thought was best, and the least he could do was give it to her.
