We take turns using the upstairs bathroom and head downstairs to eat. It’s not as awkward as I thought it would be, eating breakfast with his family when I clearly slept here all night, although his sister keeps sneaking glances at me and grinning. After breakfast, we brush our teeth and then plop down in the center of Ryne’s bed.
“Can we talk now?”
Ryne sits back up and faces me. “Yeah.”
I spread my hands in front of me, gesturing toward him. “The floor’s all yours.”
He runs a hand down his face, then thrusts it up through his hair. “I don’t know where to start.”
I rub his knee. “How about from the beginning?” I don’t really know what the beginning is, but he nods.
“Okay, all right. My sob story is the beginning, I guess. As you know, my dad died when I was nine. A guy fell asleep at the wheel and veered over onto the wrong side of the road. He hit my dad’s car. One minute he was here and the next he was gone.” His voice is thick and he pauses to take a breath. I scoot even closer to him and take one of his hands. He squeezes mine gently. “He was my rock, my whole world, ya know? It was really hard. We were always so close. He taught me how to play soccer and for the longest time, I wanted to follow in his footsteps. It made me feel closer to him, especially in the moments I missed him the most. I’d get out a ball and kick it around the yard, and it almost felt like Dad was there cheering me on. I got super focused on soccer, practicing in every spare minute I had.
“My mom made things worse instead of better. Even though I was young, we never had a good relationship. She was always pretty hands-off with us, not really affectionate. After Dad died she got even more distant. She did the bare minimum, fed us, got us to school, that kind of thing. But that’s about it. After six months or so her attitude changed. She was more cheerful sounding, but it never felt genuine. I remember the fake smile more than anything. She spouted on and on about this vacation she was planning and my naive ass thought she meant it was for the three of us. That was definitely not the case. She’d arranged for us to stay with Nathan and Lily while she went and ‘found herself’ as she put it. Only she never came back. For the longest time, Nathan couldn’t even get a hold of her. A month later she calls him and says she’s not coming back and she doesn’t want us, and blah blah blah.
“We were all shocked, even with how distant she was we never saw that coming. Rylee took it pretty hard. For almost a year she woke up in the middle of the night with nightmares, calling out for Mom.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “It was so hard to hear. I’m her big brother, I was supposed to protect her but there was nothing I could do to help. Nathan and Lily got her into counseling. It helped a lot. I went a few times myself, but my shields were already firmly in place and I just acted like I was a tough guy and didn’t need any help.” He scoffs. “Stupid kid. You can see how well that approach turned out for me.”
“Ryne…” I squeeze his hand and he gives me a sad smile.
“I had my friends, thankfully, but didn’t let anyone else in. I was always scared deep down if I let new people in, if I started to care, they’d up and leave too. It’s why I never really had much interest in actual dating. The potential closeness it brings, emotionally I mean, it was too daunting. Something scary I didn’t want anything to do with because I didn’t want to give anyone else the power to hurt me by leaving.”
Oh God, that breaks my heart.
“She actually showed up here, my mom, not very long ago. Years after she left I found out she’d taken as much of my dad’s money as she could legally get her hands on, and then she skipped town. Rylee and I each inherited about half of the rest, and she wants it. When I turned eighteen my portion came legally under my control. Paige, my mom, had started to text me a while before that, trying to get in touch with me. I never responded. She even tried to get to me through my dad’s best friend, Jonah. When that didn’t work she kept texting me until I blocked her number. She’s unhinged, I swear because when she couldn’t text me anymore she decided the next best thing was to show up here unannounced. It was the night I was supposed to come over to your house. Remember, you went to New York after that? Paige is the reason I didn’t make it. I was exhausted from dealing with her shit and fell asleep.”
My eyes bug out of my head. I had zero idea any of this was happening because he’d kept things close to the vest. I wish he’d told me, so I could have at least been there for him even if I couldn’t do anything to help.
“Ryne, I’m so sorry I didn’t give you a chance to explain. Look at me, doing the very thing I was all upset about.”
He leans forward and kisses me. “It’s okay. Things were not in a good place for us by then and I get it.” He takes a deep breath and continues. “So then there’s soccer. For a while, I’d been feeling less and less excited about it. My heart wasn’t really in it anymore. It felt more like something I was doing because it was expected of me rather than something I really wanted to pursue. I mean, I still love soccer, but the thought of playing in college and maybe afterward just didn’t hold my interest anymore. It took me a while to realize it and then I felt like I couldn’t admit it out loud. I felt boxed in.
“Soccer still had its perks, though. For example, fast forward to this past summer. I met this guy at soccer camp who completely blew my mind without even trying. He’s sassy and sarcastic and sexy and also a real pain in the ass sometimes. You might know him.” He grins at me when I stick my tongue out, then grabs both of my hands with his. “You took me completely by surprise, Dacen. I was attracted to you immediately, but not just attracted, actually interested in you as a person.” He stops and grimaces. “That makes me sound like a real dickhead. Anyway, at camp we flirted like it was our job or something.”
“And we did a damn good job,” I interject.
He laughs. “Yeah. We did such a good job I found myself wanting to take you on an actual date. That kind of floored me.” He frowns. “You know everything that happened after that. I don’t really trust easily in the first place, and then when I thought you stood me up, it was, I don’t know. I was pissed at myself for getting attached because in my mind the very thing I’d been trying to avoid happened. I got left yet again.
“When you moved here I was completely shocked. All those feelings of being abandoned flooded back into me. I said I wanted absolutely nothing to do with you, but I was just lying to myself. I was still attracted to you, still intrigued by you, and thought I could keep myself in check and just have something physical between us.”
I rub my thumb over his hand. “That obviously didn’t work.”
“Nope. Not one damn bit, and I’m glad.”
“Me too, Ryne. I’m so glad it didn’t work.”
He closes his eyes and swallows hard. When he looks at me again, there’s so much vulnerability in his eyes it nearly takes my breath away.
“You deserve so much, Dacen. The best of the best. You shouldn’t have to settle for anything or anyone less than that.”
I pinch my lips together and lift my chin high, dropping his hands to cross my arms over my chest. “You are not something to settle for, Ryne.”
He rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t want you to settle.”
I shake my head and plant my hands beside me on the bed. Fingernails dig into my palms as I squeeze my fists tight. My heart freezes and then beats rapidly again, and an echoing tinny sound fills my ears as blood rushes to them. “No, I mean I’m not settling with you. Being with you is not settling. I’m lucky to have you in my life.” My voice rises higher and louder. “You are everything to me. I’m the lucky one. How do you—” A laugh rumbles deep inside my chest and then bubbles to the surface. “How do you still not realize this, Ryne?”
I’m rewarded with a glare. I can’t believe he thinks I’m so much better than him. That’s completely laughable. He’s amazing, every grouchy, sexy, frustrating inch of him. Now that he’s finally opened up and I understand where he’s coming from, I get it. Is he perfect? No, hence the frustration. But neither am I. Yes, we’ve had our fair share of problems, but he soothes my frayed, singed nerves and makes things seem more manageable, less chaotic. He may not be perfect, but he’s perfect for me.
“I’m sorry to laugh, but seriously. Seriously. Please tell me you’re joking and you don’t really think being with you is settling.”
