Perhaps the most frustrating thing of all is that beneath his exterior, buried under the indifference and all the snark, Ryne has one of the purest hearts I’ve ever met in my entire eighteen years of life. I’ve seen how he cares for his sister and how he always backs his friends, I’ve felt it myself over and over again. He’s a good guy in asshole clothing.
I made the mistake of asking if we’d gone on a date and things have gone to hell in a handbasket since then. But what’s wrong with asking the question? What’s wrong with wanting a little acknowledgment of this thing between us? Of wanting to put a label on it? What’s wrong with wanting to hold his hand in public or kiss him at school when other people are around? What’s wrong with wanting to call him mine, and wanting to be his? What’s he so afraid of? What’s holding him back? The only thing I can think of, the only conclusion I can come to, is he just doesn’t want it. He really doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about him. He doesn’t want what I want. He doesn’t want me. He’s been very clear this whole time about the whole ‘not dating’ thing. Well, his words have been clear. His actions? Not so much.
I guess I’m a pleasant distraction, something to pass the time. He doesn’t want me, not fully, not really. And that really freaking sucks because my heart unfortunately already belongs to him. He owns it, whether he wants it or not, and if he completely walks away I’m basically screwed. He can lob my heart back over to me as he runs but it’ll be all misshapen and sad. I’m not sure there’s any coming back from that kind of damage, not easily anyway. Can guys become nuns? Maybe I can swing it as a monk, somewhere far, far away.
I throw my pillow down on the floor and sit up. I need a freaking break. Mom and Dad are just going to have to deal with it.
41
Ryne
My head was pounding from the moment I woke up this morning. Last night was well and truly fucked up. I block Paige’s number, so she decides the next best thing is to come back to Knoxton Falls and try to talk to me in person? Lily had gone inside to stay with Rylee, who by the grace of God listened to me and missed the entire shit-show. Nathan and I went to see Dean Masters, our sheriff and one of Nathan’s best friends. There isn’t really anything that can be done because technically Paige hasn’t done anything illegal, but we filed a harassment complaint so there is at least a paper trail should she try any shit in the future with me or Rylee. It was late by the time we got home. I fell into bed and was out like a light. It didn’t hit me that I was supposed to go over to Dacen’s until I woke up this morning. I had a ton of missed calls and texts I hadn’t even heard last night.
What a mess.
This morning before I got out of bed lots of thoughts tumbled through my mind. Seeing my mother was like a punch to the gut after nearly a decade, especially when her trip was motivated by greed. It’s classic Paige. When Dad died she took every bit of their money she could get her hands on, dropped Rylee and me off at Nathan and Lily’s under the guise of taking a vacation to clear her mind, and just never returned. She eventually signed her rights to us over to Nathan, and he officially became our guardian. The whole thing sucked, but things have been so much better here with Nathan and Lily than they were those six or so months Rylee and I were with Mom after Dad died. She’s toxic and nothing I want in my life.
By contrast, having Dacen in my life is the complete opposite. I’ve been stubborn and in denial, and flat out stupid, honestly, with the whole messing-around-not-dating thing as well as with my not trusting him, not opening up much, and not giving him a chance to explain at camp. Assumptions really do make an ass out of the person doing the assuming. And I know he’s probably going to go to school in New York, but I don’t care. This thing with Paige shook me and made me realize I need to tell him how I really feel. I might fucking explode if I don’t get it out in the open soon.
I ring the doorbell and take a step back. There are footsteps on the other side and I expect Dacen when it opens, but it’s not him. I hold my hand up in a wave.
“Hi, Mrs. Becker.”
“Ryne!” She sounds surprised to see me. “How are you, dear?”
My fingers rub nervously at the hem of my shirt and I glance behind her into the entryway. I hope Dacen’s not in too shitty of a mood this morning. I tried to call him but he didn’t answer, and I didn’t want to try to explain the madness of last night over text. We’ve had breakfast together on Saturday or Sunday morning for the past few weeks and I’m hoping we can still go this morning. I hope last night hasn’t ruined the mood.
“Good, thanks. You?”
“I’m good, sweetie. Is there something I can help you with?”
My brows pinch together. “Is Dacen around?” Mrs. Becker frowns and shakes her head slowly. “Will he be back soon?” I gesture behind me toward my truck. “I can wait out here if so. I don’t mind.”
She opens her mouth, closes it again, and then finally speaks after an uncomfortably long pause. “You’d be waiting an awful long time, Ryne. He’s in New York. He flew up this morning for a last-minute trip. We let him take a few days off school. He’ll be back mid-week.”
My stomach drops.
“Oh.”
“He’s staying with Will. You could try to call or text him if you need something.”
Mrs. Becker gives me a kind smile, but all I see is sympathy and I hate it. I need to get the hell out of here. “Thanks. I’ll try that. I better go.” I give her a small wave, then spin around and jog down the steps and out to my truck without another word. Before I drive away I shoot Dacen a text.
ME: Why didn’t you tell me you were going to NY?
He actually replies within a few seconds, to my surprise.
DACEN: Figured you didn’t care. You didn’t bother to show up last night and it’s not like we’re dating.
Goosebumps trail down my arms as a feeling of dread washes over me.
ME: Dacen, come on. I need to explain some things. Please call me.
The message shows as read, but I get no reply.
42
Ryne
