Ihaven’t slept well the last few nights. I need to talk to Dacen, and I know he’s back. It’s six-thirty, so he’s probably awake by now and getting ready for school.
ME: We need to talk.
DACEN: I wanted to talk the other night and you stood me up.
I take a lightning-quick shower and then text him back.
ME: We’re talking after school. This is my paintball prize, I’m calling it in.
The bubbles start and stop for almost a full minute, and finally, his reply comes through. I sigh with relief when I read it.
DACEN: Fine.
I figure buttering him up a little this morning won’t hurt, so I nudge Rylee along and we leave early enough that there’s time to swing through the bakery on the way to school. I get a chocolate chip muffin and hot chocolate for Dacen, and a bagel and hot chocolate for Rylee. I’m too nervous to eat or drink anything. Rylee demolishes hers and heads off to find her friends after we park, and I throw my backpack on and grab Dacen’s stuff, juggling everything as I lock the truck. I nearly spill the hot chocolate but get it all balanced again and walk into school. Dacen comes into view as I near our lockers and my nerves flare awake and shoot a thrill through my stomach. Then irritation spikes when I’m a few feet away and notice the person standing next to him is Jeremy. And my irritation flies off the charts into pure rage when Jeremy puts an arm around Dacen and kisses him.
“What the fuck.”
My hand squeezes around the hot chocolate and hot liquid spills everywhere, running down my fingers and pooling into a small puddle on the floor. I throw the empty cup and muffin down, spin around, and stomp away. I can’t believe it. Dacen and Jeremy? What the fuck kind of karma is this? I angrily wipe my hand down my pants to wipe my fingers off and a few seconds later hurried footsteps approach, but I don’t turn around.
“Ryne, wait.” Dacen catches up to me and pulls on my arm. I yank it out of his grip and keep walking. “Ryne, stop. Hold on a minute.” He grabs my arm more forcefully and whips me around. His face blanches and he holds his hands up in front of him in a halting motion. “Just wait a minute.”
“Is this some sort of twisted payback for all the dumb shit I’ve done, Dacen? Because that’s fucked up. This whole thing is fucked up. I’m done.”
He visibly flinches, his whole body jerking like he stepped on a downed power line. I ball my hands into fists and dig my nails into my palms. I’m pissed as hell, so why is the urge to calm his unraveling nerves as strong as ever? It’s a reflex. Just a stupid reflex. I won’t touch him again. I don’t need him, I don't want him.
Liar.
Shut the hell up. My unhelpful thoughts can join my heart in the bowels of hell for all I care. Listening to them is what got me into this mess in the first place.
“Now hold on, Ryne. I don’t know what you think you saw, but I didn’t kiss Jeremy. He tried to shove his tongue down my throat, yeah, but I pushed him away. You wanted to talk, so let’s talk now.” The bell signaling the beginning of homeroom rings as he grabs me by the arm again and pulls me down an empty side hallway. “I’m not into Jeremy. He’s a pushy jackass who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. For some crazy reason, I cannot begin to explain, I’m into you, even now.” His tone softens. “You know that. You must know that.” I don’t know shit. When he reaches for my arm again I yank it away and shake my head stiffly. His nostrils flare but his eyes call to me. I fix him with a glare but he doesn’t wither.
He juts his chin out and continues. “I have never given you one reason not to trust me. Not one, Ryne. Yet you’ve believed other people over me twice now. First, you did it with Bryce at camp, which you didn’t even have the decency to talk to me about, and give me a chance to explain. You left me completely in the dark. And now you’re doing the same damn thing with Jeremy.” He shakes his head and tugs on his hair.
“It doesn’t even matter what you say did or didn’t happen. You two kissed. I have eyeballs and they don’t lie,” I spit out bitterly.
Dacen scoffs. “Then you need glasses. I have been nothing but honest with you from the beginning. I’ve been myself this entire time, including all the weird shit that comes along with being me, and…” He pauses like he can’t find the words. “I just…” He throws his arms up. “I don’t know what else I can do, what else I can say. All I know how to do is be me. And if that’s not enough for you—” He chokes up and blinks rapidly. “Then that’s a you-problem, Ryne. Not a me-problem. If you can’t or don’t trust me, that’s on you. I didn’t kiss Jeremy, didn’t kiss him back, whatever. And deep down you know that.”
But the vision of Jeremy’s lips on Dacen’s burns hot in my brain as does that punch to the gut feeling of knowing he’s going to move back to New York anyway. I clench my jaw and squeeze my fists. “Whatever, dude. I’m done with this shit. This right here,” I gesture between the two of us. “It’s nothing. Was nothing. Is nothing. Will never be anything. I should actually thank you.” I laugh hollowly. “You’ve reminded me why exactly I only do casual.” My shoulders raise up and down in a nonchalant shrug that is at complete odds with my racing heart and the vice clamping down on my stomach and twisting tighter and tighter. “Whatever. It just means it’s time to move on to the next person in line. For both of us.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth I want to yank them back and swallow them whole. The thought of Dacen with someone else makes me want to rage, which is why this argument started in the first place. The problem with words is once you speak them, you can’t un-speak them. You can’t click Ctrl+Z and undo them. The damage is done. Dacen’s face contorts as if he’s in actual pain; his eyes squeeze shut, he sucks in the hollows of his cheeks, and he gulps audibly. Then his eyes open and white-hot anger flashes in them, stoked brighter by hurt and laced with frustration. His nostrils flare and his jaw sets so sharp it could cut glass. The physical manifestation of his anger is severe and cuts through to my core.
“The ugly shit coming from your mouth and the words screaming silently in your eyes are at complete odds with each other. Tell me the truth, Ryne.” Dacen speaks in a firm voice and he eyes me up and down. His bullshit meter is frustratingly accurate.
“I just did.” I spit each word out through clenched teeth. Uncertainty flickers across his face. His brows knit together and his lips turn down.
“Ryne, please.” His voice is softer again, but I keep silent.
My heart lurches in my chest, trying to claw its way out of my body because it clearly disagrees with what my brain is doing. I watch his face transform yet again at my silence. His lips press into a tight line, and his eyes—I let out a shaky breath. Grim acceptance of my words has smothered the brightness that usually shines in them. I loathe myself right now, hurting Dacen and pushing him away. Even if what Dacen’s saying is true, it’s inevitable this whole thing is going to end up falling to shit anyway. People change, they leave. They leave me. But the weary disappointment that pours from him is bone-crushing.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me that this,” he flicks his hand back and forth between the two of us, “that it means nothing. You can’t do that, because it’s fucking bullshit and you know it. Tell me the truth, Ryne.”
“It’s only ever been physical. None of it meant anything to me, Becker.” I choke out the last word and he flinches at the name.
I want to take it all back, drop down to my knees in front of him, wrap my arms around his waist, and beg him to erase my words from his brain. To tell him how sorry I am and that my words were lies, complete and utter shit, and apologize for flying off the handle yet again. My hands shake, the need to reach out and touch him is so strong I’m nearly vibrating from the restraint. I dig my heels in and cross my arms. Beneath each bicep my hands squeeze into fists so tight I won’t be surprised if there are four little cuts on each palm. And I don’t let myself step across the threshold into his space, because no matter how devastating this moment is, no matter how badly Dacen’s look of complete and utter betrayal at my words stabs me in the gut, I know deep down it’s what’s best. This thing between us doesn’t stand a chance. It’s easier to let go, to walk away now. This shit with Jeremy is just the final straw.
When Dacen levels me with a stare that pierces through my heart, I clamp my jaw together and grit my teeth. My heart and brain war with each other, and I need the words that want to escape, the truth that I’m not good enough for him, I’m not worth it and he’s so much better off without me, I need those words to stay the fuck put.
Just go, Dacen, please.
