She reached up and wiped one of his tears away with her gloved thumb. “Luke,” she tried to tenderly explain, “we want different things.”
“No! All I want is you. All I have ever wanted is you.”
He leaned in for a kiss again, and this time Clara let him. She needed to kiss him, to allow herself a final chance to discover her true feelings. The kiss was short, soft, and tearful. Clara did not realize she was crying, too, until Luke pulled away and tenderly wiped a tear from her cheek. He let his hand linger, caressing her, and running his fingers through a lock of her hair. Every look, every action, dripped with love. He reached into his pocket and handed her one of his new white handkerchiefs.
He loves me. He really loves me.But she didn’t know how or when or why. Their faces were inches apart, and as she and Luke locked eyes, Clara searched her heart.Marry Luke?The thought had crossed her mind before, but never long enough to actually consider it. In this moment, she examined it from every angle. No matter which way she looked, it felt wrong. Something deep within her twisted and turned, and made her feel heavy.
Her hesitation must have played on her face. “You do not love me.” His voice cracked as he lowered his hand.
“That is not true!” she argued. “You are like a brother to me!”
But that only made Luke cry harder. “John is your brother!” he pleaded, “John is your brother. I am the man who loves you! I have been showing you for years, Clara! Years! You just refused to see it.”
Clara was nearly hyperventilating. She did not love Luke the way he loved her, but did she have to have romantic feelings to become his wife? In this day and age, few married for love. It was unlikely she would ever receive a marriage proposal from someone she already cared so deeply for.
Just say yes!A voice in the back of her head urged, but she couldn’t listen. She could not ignore the pit in her stomach. “I need to explore all my options, and you should explore your options, too. You are the first man I have ever known, Luke. I cannot-”Why? Why did it feel as if her heart was breaking?
“I do not need options,” Luke boldly declared. “I have already chosen you in every room, in every circumstance, in every thought. I love you, Clara Anne Merritt. Only you. Now and forever.” And then, with a tear-jerking tenderness, he whispered, “But I know you do not feel the same.” Taking a large, shaky breath, he added quietly, “Enjoy London.”
The world seemed to turn on its head, leaving Clara a bit dizzy. She had lost Luke, her best friend. One of the few people she believed would never leave. She slowly rose to her feet. “Goodbye, Luke,” she whispered, turning from him. Her tears blurred the beautifully candle-lit path as she took several slow, wobbly steps in the direction of the house. Her knees felt weak. Her head pounded.
Once she was several feet away, she heard a loud, low, mournful sob from the garden bench.Luke!Her heart cried.Help Luke!But she could not.Shewas theone who caused his pain. Clara staggered back to the house, his white kerchief clenched in her fist, as the sound of her best friend's sobs ascended into the quiet night.
Chapter 17
Bad Luck
It was nearly noon the following day, but Luke was still in bed, tucked up in the covers, the curtains shut. He did not intend to leave this position until the Merritts were gone, which was still several days away.Perhaps I will never leave,he thought, pulling the blanket up a little higher. What was the point? What in his life was worth getting out of bed for?Soon he would be left alone to sit in his office and spend the rest of his days reading charts and checking budgets. He had lost Clara and surely, the rest of the Merritts along with her. He had taken a risk, and it had cost him everything.
There was a light knock on Luke’s bedchamber door. “I can’t today,” he whispered to himself. “I just can’t.”
“Luke?” Lord Merritt called from the other side of the door. When Luke did not respond right away, he called again. “Luke?”
“Come in,” Luke relented, not bothering to change his position.
The earl squinted as he entered the dark space, but he didn’t say anything as he crossed over to the bed. A wooden chair sat in the corner of the room, and Lord Merritt picked it up and carried it over to Luke’s side. The baron’s eyes were closed, but he could feel Clara’s father’s dark gaze on him.
They sat quietly for several minutes. In that time, the events of the night before played in Luke’s mind yet again. “She said no,” he finally whispered. He definitely had not intended to be the one to start the conversation, but he couldn’t keep it bottled up any longer.
“I heard.” Lord Merritt’s voice cracked. “I am so sorry.”
And while Luke thought he had released all the tears his body could ever produce, more found their way to his cheeks. “I am just going to miss her.”
Lord Merritt handed him a handkerchief from his jacket pocket. “This does not have to be goodbye,” he said softly, but Luke shook his head.
“It hurts,” he whispered, “it hurts knowing she is out there, but she doesn’t want me. Having to see it on her face-” Another batch of tears fell, and Luke sniffled loudly.What a baby you are,he told himself.Pull yourself together.
But Lord Merritt’s voice held sympathy. “Then it is time, Luke.”
“Time for what?”
“Time for you and John to go to Spain. I promised I would pay for your trip. Didn’t you say you had some younger siblings? You really should meet them and check in on your mother.” Luke could easily see the man was trying to keep him from wallowing. A new place, a new list of duties, it made sense, but everything was so fresh, he needed time to process.
Process what?His brain mocked.She said no. You do not get to marry Clara. What is there to process?
He had still not given an answer. “Luke,” Lord Merritt sighed. “Please, just accept my plan.” And then he added quietly, “I believe you going to Spain will be best … for all of us.”
Clara, Luke realized.He wants me to leave for Clara’s sake. And while Luke knew the events of the night before should have caused him to resent her, the love still burned within him. Yes, he would do anything to help her, even if that meant leaving. Ithadbeen seven years since he had seen his mother. It was past time for a visit.
