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Before he could respond, I rushed out of the room, putting my mug on the kitchen counter. I kissed Bettina, who was still heavy in conversation talking in Italian now to Maria, grabbed my coat and ran out the door—literally—before Cedric could offer me a ride home.
The next train left at 9:45 and I should be able to make it if I jogged the five blocks to the station. That’s what I did.
***
I got there just in nick of time and hopped the train.
As I sat with my head leaning back on the wall behind my train seat, I started to cry. I was filled with so many emotions tonight, between my growing love for Callie, my lust for Cedric and the overall longing I felt to be part of a family like theirs.
My running wasn’t about how much I wanted to leave tonight…what was bothering me was how much I desperately wanted to stay.
As the train swayed, I thought about my mother and how much she loved me and hoped she was watching over me. We had so many good times, just the two of us. Memories of Mom flashed through my head as the train swayed and the tears fell: trips to Castle Island, mother and daughter Lifetime movie marathons, praying at St. John’s Church together, being able to confide in her about anything. I couldn’t have loved her more if she gave birth to me. As the thoughts of Mom continued, I thought about how I just want to do something in life that would have made her proud. I think she would be happy that I found Callie and Lucas and that I was making a difference in their lives.
Just then, my phone chimed and I looked down at a text that gave me the chills.
Allison, you are so beautiful inside and out. Your mother would be proud. That’s all I wanted to say. You left before I could. –Cedric.
***
Still reeling from the irony and timing of that text, after much internal debate, by the time I got back to my apartment, I had decided I would respond to him. I needed to find a way to acknowledge such a sweet sentiment without encouraging something that could never be. I plopped down on the sofa, noticing the eerie silence of my apartment, since Sonia had just left for the UK for the holidays. I wished she were here, so that I could tell her what happened. It was too late to call the UK.
I wanted to cry, looking at the text over and over. Cedric’s words could not have been more perfectly timed, since I had been deep in thought on the train about my mother when the text came in. The fact that he told me that my mother would be proud of me cut deep. The fact that he told me I was beautiful was the icing on the cake.
Tonight left me feeling very emotional.
I didn’t want to be alone this Christmas, which was Sunday, so I planned to have dinner at Danny’s house in Boston near Fenway Park and finally meet his new partner Paolo.
As I lay down, I tried to think about how to respond. Looking out the window at the Christmas lights adorning the house across the street, a tear fell down my cheek. Why did everything have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t Cedric be single? Why did he send me that text if he has a girlfriend? Why did it touch me so deeply?
As I pondered these things, I stared at my phone and turned it to camera mode. I could see my reflection in the screen and noticed mascara running down my cheeks. As I looked down at my red sweater dress, I noticed the stain from where Cedric spilled his co
ffee and decided I would definitely endure more burns if it meant being able to be close to him again.
I was struggling with my feelings over him tonight and the fact that even though he had a girlfriend, I couldn’t shake this connection. He apparently felt it too. It were those very feelings and my being able to sense his, that drove me out of there so fast.
Karyn Keller...I had to remember he had a girlfriend…I needed to snap out of this.
I unlocked my phone and clicked on his message and typed a response.
Cedric, thanks so much for those kind words. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy working with your sister.
Send.
A tear rolled down my cheek and I let out a deep breath. I immediately regretted the casual tone of that message, but it was too late. I had already sent it. A part of me felt I should have taken that opportunity to let him know how I truly felt, even if he had a girlfriend. He wasn’t married after all. My thoughts began to race and my heart pounded furiously because I knew what I was about to do.
I typed again.
And I think you are beautiful too.
Send.
I waited and waited for a response, but it never came. Technically, he didn’t have to say anything, since I was responding to him. But I had hoped he would continue the dialog. The ball was in his court. I had no regrets. The first text was the message I thought was appropriate to send, followed by the second text that came from my heart. He could take either one and do what he pleased.
After an hour of lying on the couch staring at the Christmas lights across the street with my phone in my hand, I knew I wasn’t going to get a response, so I walked into my bedroom and tried to go to sleep.
CHAPTER 14
CEDRIC
