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I stared at the blazing fireplace in Caleb and Denise’s living room. It was Christmas and my entire family had gathered in New Hampshire to be together and celebrate.
Callie sat on the couch next to me playing on her iPad while Mom helped Denise cook in the kitchen. I could smell the ham cooking and couldn’t wait to sit down to a home cooked meal, especially when my mother was doing the cooking.
Caleb was stocking the bar down in the basement with drinks, since that was where we usually hung out and watched movies after dinner.
Denise had the house all decked out with garland and white lights. Their Christmas tree was huge…tall and fat with a strong pine scent. It was loaded underneath with presents we had opened after brunch this morning.
As Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas played on the iPod speaker, I looked at the fire and couldn’t help but think about what Allison was doing tonight. She didn’t have any family, so who was she with tonight? It took every ounce of my strength not to text her that very question right now.
I looked down at my phone and stared at the text she sent me in response to my message a few nights ago. And I think you’re beautiful too. My heart sank. It sank each of the dozens of times a day I stared at those words on my phone.
And I think you’re beautiful too.
I remembered when I received it, I had just returned home from Mom’s dinner party Thursday night. My body had been aching with pent up desire from sitting so close to her and then feeling her soft skin as I cleaned off the spilled coffee.
I had sent her my text twenty minutes before arriving back home that night. I had decided to text her just as I was walking out my mother’s door some time after Allison bolted, leaving me dumbfounded. I could sense that she was running from me that night, but why…I couldn’t understand. If she knew the truth about everything, then running would make sense, but under the circumstances, I couldn’t figure it out.
I had felt like I needed to tell her how I felt anyway because she mesmerized me. I couldn’t stay away and needed to get it off my chest. That night, I had texted her that I thought she was beautiful and I got no response, so I had pretty much given up and decided to drive home and call it a night.
So, later that evening, when I heard my text alert sound as I was taking off my clothes getting ready for bed, my heart had skipped a beat. It could have been anyone, but it was her.
The first text was a generic thank you, which made me feel like shit. Just as I was about to toss the phone across the bed in despair, the phone sounded again. I looked down and my heart started beating rapidly when I saw what she wrote.
And I think you’re beautiful too.
My heart kept pounding and my fingers were ready to starting frantically typing to pour my heart out to her. I wanted to text her back, but I hadn’t been able to put into words what I was feeling.
I remember starting to sweat and breathe heavily when the realization hit me that I actually might be able to have her if I wanted her. Those words she texted were the first confirmation I had received that she returned my feelings at all. Was I really ready to take the next step, knowing where it would lead—that I would inevitably break her heart?
I knew either I was going to tell her I was crazy about her right then and there or that I needed to stay away. There was no in between. This situation was black and white. In my heart, I wanted to let it all out and run to her wherever she was. But I didn’t. I never wrote anything back that night.
Every moment since that night has been consumed with thoughts of her. And now, three days later, it’s Christmas and all I can do is sit here by the fire and wonder about her, yet again.
What I have realized since the night of the text, is that I don’t really have a choice. I thought that by not responding, I could somehow make this situation easier or less complicated, but I can’t. Just the opposite happened, really. My draw to Allison is not a choice. It’s a completely uncontrollable pull that won’t go away, despite the consequences of acting on it. I will never stop wanting her. And I will inevitably hurt her either way, once she learns the truth, whether I am involved with her or not at the time. She is going to find out with or without me. Maybe just maybe, if I can show her who I am and get her to trust me, she will find it in her heart to see past everything. It’s a long shot, but it’s a dream I need to cling to right now. Because I know what I am about to do: I am about to lose control.
My ruminations were interrupted by the sound of my mother’s voice telling me that dinner was ready in the dining room. I pulled myself away from the fire and seated myself next to where Callie was already sitting at the table.
I helped serve my sister food and watched as she began devouring mashed potatoes before anyone else even sat down. I just laughed at how nice it must be to be Callie Callahan sometimes; to not give a shit about the consequences of anything.
As the rest of the family sat down, I led the table in prayer. “Bless Us Oh Lord for These Thine Gifts For Which We Are About To Receive…”
As I continued the prayer and held hands with my sister and mother, I felt truly blessed to be here with these wonderful people and wondered again, where Allison is without a family on Christmas.
We all sat down and began devouring the meal which consisted of ham, mashed potatoes, sweet potato pie, green bean casserole, cornbread and barbecued beans. Denise and my mother were amazing cooks and even better when cooking together.
The family dinner discussion ranged from what movie we would be watching later to the latest gossip from my mother’s church. I continued to stuff my face not contributing much to the conversations.
Then, my gluttonous consumption was interrupted by a shocking and abrupt question from my mother. “Cedric, what was going on between you and Allison the other night?” she asked.
Caleb’s eyes immediately darted toward mine, eager to see my response.
“Why do you ask?” I nervously asked and reached for another piece of bread and started to butter it.
“Well, I am not blind, son. I can see how gorgeous she is and happened to notice the fact that once you got a look at her, you didn’t leave her side all night in Callie’s room, except to change that light bulb. For the record, I think she is amazing and you would be stupid n
ot to go after her.” She winked.
“Who’s Allison?” Denise interrupted.
