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My brother had clearly been good at keeping my secrets.
“Allison is Callie’s new therapist and your brother-in-law here is smitten.”
I broke in. “Mom, you wanna know something?”
“Yes, honey. What?” She smiled.
Like I said, my control over this situation was dwindling and I responded, “You are absolutely friggin’ right. I was smitten. She is amazing.” I felt a rush of heat in my face at the balls it took to admit that small part of the truth in front of my mother.
Caleb laughed heartily, then downed his beer.
“Well, what are you going to do about it?” she asked.
I shook my head, not knowing what to say or why I even told my mother how I felt about Allison.
Then, she gave me a brilliant idea.
“Cedric, Allison doesn’t come back to work until the Thursday after next because Callie and I are visiting your aunt in Maine. I had meant to give her a Christmas gift at my party, but she left suddenly. I have the gift wrapped in my car. I was going to drop it off at her house this week because I am going to Malden to meet with some people on the board of Bright Horizons. Why don’t you find out if she is home and tell her you are dropping it off as a favor to me tonight?”
It seemed a little nuts. I mean, why couldn’t my mother wait to give her the gift the next time Allison worked with Callie? But if this gave me even a shitty excuse to go to her house and see her, I might need to take what I could get.
I didn’t respond, just sat in deep thought.
Of course, my mother had no idea what I’d really be getting myself into. I hated that my mother thought all of this was so innocent but I had gone too long to ever tell her the whole truth now. I sometimes wished I could get her take on the true dilemma I faced.
“Well, you think about it, Cedric. I am not going to put any pressure on you. She may not even be home,” Mom said before resuming her dinner.
My mother was right. Allison was probably with friends tonight.
As Denise, Mom and Callie cleared the table, I followed Caleb downstairs to the basement to help pick a movie for after dessert and to get his take on things.
“So, Mom’s on to you, huh?” Caleb smirked taking a swig of beer and plopping down on the leather sectional.
“If she only fucking knew. I realized tonight that I am also deceiving Mom with this whole charade.” I sighed.
“Cedric, please. Stop doing this to yourself. You have every right to feel the way you do. You need to let go of the past and move forward. Just think about you and Allison and nothing else. You deserve to be happy, dude.”
“I can’t stop this thing if I tried, man. It’s a runaway train that’s about to derail,” I said as I joined him on the couch, leaning my head back.
Just then, we were interrupted by Mom, Denise and Callie, all of whom were walking down the basement stairs carrying a different dessert and some paper plates and napkins.
We turned on the DVD player and opted for It’s a Wonderful Life, mainly because it was Dad’s favorite and he was always here with us in spirit. This movie always depressed me though, even before Dad died. Now, it was even more bittersweet.
My family sat together cuddled on the couch eating apple pie and chocolate cake, transfixed by the movie. Callie was the exception and opted to watch Anderson Cooper clips on You Tube with her headphones on.
I escaped upstairs to sit by the fire again, taking a bottle of Shiraz with me from the basement bar.
I stopped by the kitchen first to open the wine and pour a glass, then returned to my spot on the recliner right in front of the fire in my brother’s living room. The Christmas music still played low from the iPod speaker. I took a sip of the wine and looked down at my watch. It was only 8:30.
I leaned my head back, closed my eyes and imagined Allison straddling me on this chair in front of the fire. Just the thought was enough to make me hard. I shook my head to get the image out so I could think straight. I couldn’t. Remember that runaway train? It was about to derail.
I took my phone out of my pocket, hit her name and typed.
Merry Christmas, Allison.
Send.
I closed my eyes and held my phone, having no clue whether I would hear from her. My hand shook when I immediately heard it chime back.
