What. The. Fuck.
Colin proceeded to tell me more about that night and theinsecurities he had toward Leo…and how they trickled into our relationship. How when we were together, he saw the things Leo and I had in common.
How Leo saw me first and had seen me all along.
The pieces started to slowly fall into place. Colin liking the idea of me. How quickly he moved to introduce me to Leo and to Celine. How he’d get frustrated when Leo and I would talk. How he’d tried to change things about me.
Nausea swirled in my stomach.
“So, was our whole relationship some sick game to you?”
My voice was eerily calm, and I thought it surprised Colin, too, because he stammered, “N-no, it wasn’t. It might’ve started out as something to get back at Leo, but I never meant to hurt you. I cared about you, Eliza. I really did. Our year together?—”
“You cared about me?” I asked with a dry laugh. “You don’t lie to and deceive someone you care about.” While I believed Colin cared about me in his own messed-up way, it didn’t matter. Our good moments and the friendship we’d built were tainted by the truth of how our relationship started. “You just wanted to hurt Leo.” I stood from the couch and paced around my apartment. “And what were you getting back at him for that you had touse meto do it? All Leo has done is put you first. Make sure that you’re happy and getting what you want, and that’s what you do to him?”
While I hated the idea of being used like a chess piece in this weird, one-sided feud, what I hated more was how Colin had treated Leo.
“Do you realize how fast he had to grow up after your parents got divorced?” I continued. “How because he protected you that’s the reason you can have a good relationship with both of your parents? He has been selfless his whole life, and this is how you treat him? How you treat me? Colin, I thought we werefriends. I thought you cared about me.”
“I do, Eliza. I’m so?—”
My head reared back like I’d been slapped. “How…how could you do something so…” I searched to find the right word. There were so many to choose from: selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive. “Cruel,” I finished, hating the way my voice broke.
“Eliza, I—I didn’t mean to,” Colin said quickly. “It was just?—”
“But youdidmean to. You kept up this charade for a year. A fuckingyear, Colin. You paraded me around like some trophy. That’s fucked up. And we saw each other last year! How could you do that?”
“I know it’s messed up. I know. And I wanted to tell you last year, but I…I well, I didn’t think it would change anything. But then Leo moved back and you two are working together, and I couldn’t shake the guilt like I’d gotten in the middle of something that I shouldn’t have.”
I’d never felt so many different emotions at once: anger, sadness, frustration, irritation, confusion. I couldn’t believe I ever trusted him. I felt sostupid.
“Does Leo know?” I asked, wondering if Colin had told him yet, because I knew there was absolutely no way he’d known this whole time.
“I…yeah, I told him over the weekend.”
My mind was spinning as I tried to make sense of all this, and part of that was realizing that there was no making sense. But there was one piece that I kept coming back to.
“What do you mean Leo saw me first?” I asked, afraid of the answer.
“He was there with me that night. He’d visited me for my birthday.”
I closed my eyes, sinking into my couch. He’d been there. All this time, Leo had beenright there.
“I’m really sorry, Eliza. Truly.”
It was only when I hung up the phone that I realized how out of breath I was, my chest heaving and throat dry. My face wet from the tears streaming down my face.
I teared up now and then, but I nevercried. Not like this. I felt sick to my stomach, my head fuzzy.
And the worst part?
I couldn’t blame Colin for standing in the way of me and Leo being together—I did that all on my own.
41
ELIZA
“I don’t tellWes this enough, but he’s a damn good boss,” I said to Jules and Lily while sprawled on Jules’s couch with a carton of ice cream resting on my stomach.
