Lord, I give You all this pain.
I give You Gen.
I give You the future I thought I’d have with her.
I give You Bella.I don’t know how to be a dad but You do, so teach me.
I give You Minnie.
I give You my parents.They need You too, and I really need wisdom there, so give me that too, please.
His prayers tangled with verses he’d read as they slid back into remembrance.
Verses about God being an ever-present refuge in time of need.
About how nothing could separate him from God’s love.
About how if Christ had set people free then they are free indeed.
Free indeed?Oh, this felt like shackles he’d never see released.
And yet… and yet…
God knew.This hadn’t taken Him by surprise, even if it had knocked the stuffing out of Kyle.
But God knew.And He was with Kyle right now.Would be with Kyle in the future.And maybe Ryan was right and God had always been gently drawing Kyle to Himself all this time.
Oh he wassoglad he’d found Him.Or He had found him.Whatever.
“God, thank You for giving us Jesus.Help me to hear Your voice and follow You.”
He swallowed.This prayer required more faith than he felt right now.“And Lord, if being part of Gen’s future is not what You want for me, then help my heart to be okay with that.I want Your best, not what I think is best.”
How can you pray that, part of his mind screamed.You’re Gen’s best.You and Gen are supposed to be together.
No.He knew that God was Gen’s best.Her finding a relationship with Jesus was more important than her renewing a relationship with Kyle.
His heart settled.Okay, then.This was good.This was right.And whether it was only for a season or forever, he was going to trust God to work things out.Which might include removing the bone-deep level of attraction Kyle had for her.
“Lord, Your way.Not mine.”
He breathed in.Breathed out.And while some things might still feel impossible, something tugged within reminding him that nothing was impossible with God.
“Lord, You see this mess of mine, and it looks stupidly impossible, but I want to trust You.Help me, please?”
He breathed in, released.Breathed in, released.
And, as a measure of peace lodged in his heart, he finally went to bed and fell asleep.
Morning light teased him awake.He lay in bed a little longer, savoring the quiet.He had a bunch of things to do, but first things first.He needed to remind himself of those verses he’d recalled last night, to check that they were real and not just his imagination.
It might’ve taken him an hour, maybe more, by the time he’d found them all.He’d needed to retrieve his phone to use the Bible app to find the others.Saw he had a bunch of missed calls and messages.But he ignored them, focused on more important things.He now had a bunch of underlined verses in his Bible that he’d memorize, starting today.
He needed something sure, something fixed and certain.Life was apparently too filled with surprises for him to feel comfortable otherwise.How could he call himself a Christian and not want to know what God said?
So he read, and prayed.Prayed, and read some more.Wrote notes.Prayed.Prayed again for that long list he’d prayed last night.Then finally felt a release in his spirit to get up and get on with his day.
But he’d keep God’s promises close.He needed them, needed assurance.Who knew what today might bring?
