I said the words like I was some little kid on the playground. I wasn’t even sure where they’d come from. Was I showing all my cards too soon? Was he going to think I was some sort of weirdo? I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth that I’d made a mistake. A big, stupid mistake. A mistake that could cost me all the peace of mind I had left. Yet, a part of me didn’t care. If I was going with this plan, I might as well just go with it and see what would happen.
“Yeah.” He nodded and smiled back at me. “I guess you’re my best buddy now.” He slapped his hand down on top of my hand and I almost jumped at the contact. My heart started thudding erratically at the feel of his warm, strong hand on mine, and I could feel my body growing warm. “You going to be my wingwoman as well, then?” he said with another huge grin, and my stomach dropped almost immediately.
“Sure,” I said, my heart both breaking and rejoicing at the same time. The feel of his hand next to mine was amazing, made me feel alive, but the pain that was striking through my entire existence at his asking me to be his wingwoman was almost excruciating. How could he be thinking of other women in this moment? Couldn’t he feel our connection? How could I be the only one seeing this? Just being around him gave me energy and life, yet he didn’t seem to be affected by me at all.
I blinked up at him then and I wondered to myself if I was going crazy. If I had somehow let some alien into my life. How could I be so attached and attuned to him? How could I be feeling all these emotions? So many ups and downs and he—he just seemed to be feeling nothing. It made absolutely no sense to me. Absolutely no sense at all.
Part 2
Parker
Nothingness. Love. The depths of the ocean. The call of the wild. The trees in the forest. The majestic evergreen of the mountain. The brown ridges creating lines that could be seen from the other side of town, hundreds of miles away. The white snowcaps teasing me, begging me to come play. Her voice softly calling to me. Death. Life. The gentle sweetness of a first kiss. The breaking of a heart. The depths of my soul. The number of times I’ve wanted to say sorry. Emptiness. The feeling inside my stomach as I lie in bed thinking, thinking, thinking. Wondering. Loving her more than I’ve ever thought was possible. Losing her to another. Desperately trying to figure out if I can reclaim her heart. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
She was mine. I was hers. We were us. And I screwed it all up.
Chapter 8
Lara
The momentI knew Parker and I had developed a genuine, deep friendship was the first night we spent together. And I don’t meanspentas in wham bam thank you ma’am, screaming orgasms, and strawberries and whipped cream. Though I wouldn’t have said no to any of those things—let’s be honest. No, I meanspent the nightas in we were in the same bed together and I felt his body close to mine. (It was heaven and hell at the same time.)
It was a couple of nights ago. We’d gone out to dinner because that’s what we do now, we go to dinner weekly to catch up. Don’t ask! It sounds better than it is. It’s great being around him, but it sucks because nothing ever happens. He doesn’t try and kiss me. He doesn’t try and take my hand. He doesn’t try and do anything. And of course, I don’t, either. I mean, I’ve thought about it. I’ve dreamed about grabbing him and kissing him and sucking his tongue and putting my hands through his hair, but my nerves and fear of rejection have stopped me. Being rejectedsucks, but being rejected by your new quasi–best friend would suck even more.
But I digress; back to that night.
We’d gone out to dinner and had a few drinks and Parker asked if I wanted to go back to his place to watch a movie. Of course, I said yes. And of course, I was hoping that “watch a movie” was some sort of code word for fucking my brains out. I know, I know, I’m getting crude, but you can only be around a sexy man for so long without starting to feel like you’re going to go out of your mind. But alas, alack, watching a movie meant just that.
We watchedEternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yes, you read that correctly. He let me choose the movie. I’m not sure why he let me pick and I’m not sure why I chose that one, but I did. A friend of mine had told me it was a good movie, so I decided, hey, why not watch it now? Not the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s a great movie, but emotional. Full of angst and love and hate and anger and pain and soulmatey stuff that I didn’t need to be watching with Parker. And of course, I started crying. I started crying for the characters and I started crying for myself. I wanted someone to love me enough, to be so caught up in me that he would want to erase me from his mind to stop the pain. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be loved that much? I mean, I know it’s not healthy. I know my views are skewed. I know I have some issues, but don’t we all?
There was this one scene where one of the characters said something like “I’m erasing you, and I’m happy,” and it made me burst into tears right away because I’d just been having thoughts about wanting to erase Parker from my mind that morning. Parker’s face had looked at me in shock and I could see that I was making him uncomfortable.
“You okay?” he asked me with a worried expression. I started crying even more then because he’d been so genuine and caring.Not teasing at all, but truly worried. Truly searching in my eyes to see if I was okay.
“Yeah.” I nodded and gulped. “It’s just a sad movie.”
“It’s just a movie, though, Lara.” He put his arm around me awkwardly and pulled me into his arms so that I could rest my head against his chest.
“I know,” I said and closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of his chest against the side of my face. His body was so warm and comforting and it made me feel wonderful. “It’s just hard to see people who are so in love fall apart from each other.”
“Yeah, that’s love, I suppose,” Parker said softly. “Love is a temporary emotion. And so when people invest everything they have into something that is temporary, of course it will be devastating when it flees.”
“You think love is temporary?” I said, my heart stilling as I listened to him. I could feel his hands rubbing my back.
“I don’t think that true love is real and I don’t think that any emotion lasts forever,” he said simply, and I swore I felt his lips on the top of my head, though I could have been imagining it.
“I like to think there are true loves that last forever,” I said, looking up at him. “That there is someone perfect made for us.”
“That’s why you’re awesome,” he said and grinned down at me. “And I’m sure that one day, you will find someone who will love you forever and ever.”
“Thank you,” I said, trying not to let the sadness sweep over me again. I couldn’t allow him to keep dictating my moods. And I just needed to appreciate the fact that we were getting closer and we were getting to be better friends.
“Wanna watch the rest of the movie in bed?” he asked me questioningly. “No funny business, I promise, but it might be more comfortable.”
“Hmm, let me think,” I said with a smile, my heart racing as I gazed up at him. I could feel his palms on my waist and I couldfeel his body moving back and forth against mine as he breathed. This was the closest we’d been for the longest amount of time and I was enjoying it. Even if it wasn’t romantic or sexual. It was close. And I was craving being close to him. In fact, this was one of the best feelings I’d ever felt in my life.
“I have popcorn.” He laughed. “And wine. And we can watch another movie. Or we can talk.”
“Talk?” I laughed. “Talk about what?”
