“Whatever you want.” He made a face. “I know you girls like to talk.”
“And you guys don’t?” I grinned at him, wiping the tears from my eyes, feeling light all of a sudden.
“Oh, we talk, but not about the same crap you girls talk about.” He grinned at me. “We talk about sports, beer, work, movies—and you girls talk about feelings and all that crap. You’d better believe Ryker and I don’t talk about that shit.”
“But you’re willing to talk about that with me? Aww, aren’t I lucky?”
“Well, I want to be a good friend.” He looked at me sincerely. “I’ll try my best.”
“Thanks, Parker,” I said and then nodded. “Sure. Let’s move to the bedroom, though I get to choose which side of the bed I want.”
“Of course, my dear,” he said and grabbed my hand as we jumped off the couch. We settled into his bed a few minutes later, laden with popcorn, potato chips, wine, beer, and some chocolate, and settled into watching the movie, sitting side by side and leaning back against the wall. And when the movie was done, we lay down and stared at each other and just talked and talked. We talked about everything: Kant’s philosophies, our views on Israel and Palestine, his favorite football team, politics, my favorite movies. We talked about our favorite books, and at the end of the night as we both started getting sleepy andour eyes were drooping, he leaned forward and gave me a firm kiss on the lips and whispered, “You’re fast becoming one of my favorite people, Lara, one of my absolute favorites.” And I closed my eyes then and smiled to myself. I drifted off to sleep the happiest I’d been in months. That was when I knew that I’d wormed my way into Parker’s heart in some way. Even if it wasn’t exactly in the way I’d hoped for.
I’m goingto give you some advice. Don’t play games with guys. Even if you don’t think you’re playing a game, think about what you’re doing very carefully—very, very carefully. Guys aren’t like girls. They don’t analyze. They certainly don’t overanalyze and they take what we say and think that’s exactly what we mean. Even if the dumbest pig in Siberia would know we were being ironic or sarcastic, a man would take us at our word.
Like Parker. He took me at my word when I told him I thought we should be best friends. I knew and Mila knew and anyone with half a brain knew that I meant best friends that were also in love, but no—not Parker. He took my words literally. He really thought I wanted to be best friends and everything else that went along with that. And now? Well, now, here I am, surrounded by the man of my dreams day and night and hating my life. All because I decided to tell a porky pie to get closer to him. That’s all I wanted. Just to spend time with him. I just wanted him to get to know me better. I wanted him to fall in love with me. I wanted him to see how perfect I was for him.
But no, that’s not what happened. Sure, he thinks I’m “awesome” and we’re closer now than we’ve ever been, but not in the way I want. Not in the way that makes my heart thud. My heart does thud still. But generally in a sad way now. And I crymyself to sleep many nights because I realize I’m further away from him than I’ve ever been. Now that we’re better friends, I realize that: One, I’m not his type. Two, we don’t have much in common. And three, he hasn’t—as I’d secretly hoped—been harboring a secret crush on me for years. At least I don’t think he has.
I could hear Parker banging around in the kitchen as I sat and waited for him to finish what he was doing. We had spent the afternoon doing a crossword puzzle together and now I was on his laptop looking up movie times. And of course, I just happened to click around, and boom, up came his OkCupid account. It wasn’t that I didn’t know he was online dating. Of course I knew. We’d talked about dating casually and how we’d joined online dating sites and we’d laughed about all the odd people we’d seen online. That hadn’t made me feel bad because that wasn’t real and there had been no faces to put to mind. And no actual dates were talked about. Yes, I’d helped him write a profile, but that had made me feel closer to him because we had laughed and joked around about what he was looking for and his interests. But now that I had his profile up on the screen and I could see that he was actively on the site and messaging and talking to people, it was another story. Heat rose through my face as my stomach grumbled in emptiness. I could feel my head starting to spin as I swallowed, my heart feeling empty, the pain wallowing through me almost too much to bear as I read some of the messages on the screen. I knew I was invading his privacy and I knew I deserved the pain I was experiencing for being so nosy, but I just couldn’t stop myself.
“You nearly ready, Lara?” Parker’s voice was warm as he stood in the doorway looking at me. “I told Ryker and Mila we’d be there at seven and I still have to pick some other friends up.”
“Yeah, gimme a minute.” I gave him a weak smile and looked back at the computer screen. I scrolled through the page to seewhat the women looked like, unable to stop myself, even though I knew I shouldn’t. I then clicked to see the girls he’d liked. My stomach dropped as I stared at all their beautiful faces. They all looked the same: long, dark, straight hair, big blue eyes, fine beautiful features. All were skinny and all had that “I’m cool, look at me” look on their faces. I could feel embarrassment sweeping through me as it hit me, maybe for the first time, that I was just not Parker’s type. Not at all. Nothing about me fit what he was looking for in a woman. I wasn’t sure how I’d missed that fact. I knew I shouldn’t read the messages, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“What movies are showing?”
“What?” I blinked up at him.
“Aren’t you looking up movie times?” He walked toward me and my heart stopped as I clicked on a new tab and typed inmovie timesquickly into Google.
“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I put in the wrong zip code.” I said lamely. “Let me check the right one now.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “Let me go and call Ryker and tell them we’re running late.”
“Sure, and sorry about the delay. My head has been all over the place lately.”
“Hey, no worries, Lara.” He gave me a huge smile and my heart melted, even though I was in a really low place. “We’ll get there.”
“Yeah, we will.”
“And you know I’m here to talk if you ever need someone, right?”
“Yeah, I know.” I nodded. “Thanks.” I watched as he headed out of the room and I tried not to cry. This whole situation was a lot harder than I’d thought it was going to be. I was getting to know Parker on a deeper level and I was falling for him harder and harder. Only, he wasn’t falling for me. Yes, he was growingcloser to me. Yes, I knew he saw me in a different light now, but I also knew that wasn’t a romantic light. I just wanted him to pull me closer to him. I wanted him to kiss me, to touch me, to want me, yet he seemed to have no interest in growing closer to me in that way—and that killed me. And I knew that if it didn’t kill me, it would just leave me empty and alone. I wanted to slap myself. I needed to get some self-respect. I needed to grow some self-esteem. I needed to love myself enough to accept that he just didn’t want me that way, and I needed to move on with my life. Or at least stop whining to myself. I was getting fed up with my own tears and heartache. I just needed to get over it already.
“How didwe end up choosing a horror movie?” I whispered to Mila as we walked into the movie theater ahead of the guys. “You know I hate horror movies. I’m going to scream and embarrass myself.”
“You won’t.” She gave me a sly grin and my eyes narrowed.
“You chose the movie, didn’t you?” I growled under my breath. “Mila, how could you do this to me? You know I wanted to see a rom-com or something.”
“The guys don’t wanna watch a rom-com. Plus, if we do a horror, whenever you feel scared you can grab ahold of Parker and he can protect you.”
“Mila,” I groaned. “That’s not about to happen.”
“You never know.” She shrugged and smiled. “You need to up the stakes.”
“I don’t want to up the stakes.” I sighed. “This is too much already.”
